friday

mama screamed and cried herself to sleep. i worked beside her and put up with her cussing. later the water purifier leaked, but thank God my rolled up portrait had a plastic bag underneath so it didn't soak. almost vomited my heart out when i saw the water all over the floor. i need the money that i'm gonna be paid for it big time.

friday night. i was trying hard not to snooze. and i was craving jam on toast.

saturday.
ah peks napping in the SSC kopitiam. i don't think they knew each other. the one in blue looked so peaceful. nice lunch with geil and jake and the two soccer boys. and i had lunch with the same bunch at the same place today too. T-T hah.

went to church slightly early for the VBS meeting on saturday after lunch and forced jake to play what i have named "qiang scrabble", for convenience's sake, with me! i have not played that game with him for the longest time. my passion (pfft) for it was revived at gerlynn's place the other day. :)


just as an update, my family and i have decided to look for a helper to come over for a few (3-4) hours in the day, monday to friday, to change her diapers and bathe her.

this has been a long run for me. and it's been for my betterment, i agree. now the time has come where i feel like i need to move on to something else. the bottomline, short and blunt is that i have had enough of staying home with my grandma all day most of the week, and i am feeling more than ever the tolls it is taking on me mentally.

it's strange that i'm saying this only now, being that my grandma is much more settled at night and the most tumultuous part of her stay has come and gone. so i guess you could call it a matter of timing. i have done my best being with her through the rough patches when she needed me most. and now i feel that i am done with staying home with her full time.

to be completely honest i feel very unhealthy now. especially in my mind. it's hard to explain, but the back and forth of emotion, being so angry but having nobody to blame, feeling so horribly towards my grandma and knowing that i shouldn't, feeling sad feeling, bad feeling, cooped up and all that jazz. i have a jaded, sick feeling inside me. i look at myself and wonder at how i have churned out almost every wicked thought there is to think.

that being said, i can't say i regret all that i've done over the past 5 months or so, or that it was a mistake to undertake the position of caretaker. i have grown by leaps and bounds and learned about so many practical things. it's simply time to move on.

voicing out about the development to my parents was extremely difficult. because i felt like i was the cause of major change, like i disrupted the tightly functioning eco-system in out household, in other words like i was a bad person. more than that, i had to verbalize many things that i wished i could keep hidden. it was hard. and i was very broken. but eventually they took it in a parently way. we discussed several options. and we're quite set on looking for a day-time caretaker, because that's more affordable than a maid or private nurse, both of which which we don't really need since my dad will still stay home. he's tied back here because he has to carry my grandma down and up our block to and fro from dialysis.

we're praying for a good person to come our way. hopefully a contact of a friend, or anybody for that matter, so long as she's trustworthy and kind and all. once that's in place i'll be able to find work. and after work everyday i'll come home and see mama and smile like how it should be. and i'll still take are of her in the evenings, and she'll still feel secure in our home with us.

i still want mama to get good care, even if it's not from me. and i think it'll work out this way. so we're waiting and asking around. maybe our plan will go through, or maybe it'll drag on and mama will pass before change takes place. i'm asking God for patience and to heal me where i feel broken up and from this will come growth instead of damage. you know how people say they've been broken or smashed into bits. i feel like i've been ground into a powder if that makes any sense at all. but i want God to build something better and stronger and more beautiful from it. i don't want to stay a powder forever.

anyway i've been thinking about how to blog this and here it is. warm thanks to everyone who has been behind us these past few months. thank you. :)