night time is non-stop. day time is deadness.

mama was being crazy naughty last night, you have no idea.

mom was in a rush preparing mama's meds this morning, so i heated up some pizza and made coffee for us. i was starved too.

mom: she's not herself anymore.
ag: she's herself. i mean, she's still her, just.. at another stage. it's not like she's a different person.. she's still mama. a crazier mama.
mom: yeah, she's still mama.

sips coffee

mom: we may all really just die before her.

both: hahahaha.

i need to bake a cake for the parents' birthdays (28th june and 3rd july). need the baking stuff from geil, which i'm gonna get later. and i need lilies (mom's fave) and ... i'll draw out a banner? and we'll have ourselves a jolly old wheelchair-friendly party.

mama's mind is going downhill. she's like a little child, it's more apparent now. today the dialysis center called asking when someone was gonna bring her home, and i was wondering why they'd call to ask that. later daddy told me that when he got there, she was curled up in the fetal position crying to go home! (second time this has happened.) so she basically cries dramatically for every little thing, misunderstands every little thing, whacks me when she's angry, and laughs at me when i come running to her very worriedly. (!) yesterday mama stuck her leg out while she was lying down on the bed and i tripped on it. she burst out in laughter and mommy was like, shocked at how mischievous she has become. but we all ended up laughing about it. now her new trick is to give me a flying kiss when she senses i'm angry at her. ACT CUTE.

night time is when she's really mean cos she just wants my mom and me to stay awake and do stuff for her. last night she fought off her drowsiness the whole night and tried to stay awake to make me do stuff, shouting, scolding, crying, wailing. and the medicine i gave her for pain that causes drowsiness, she says makes her unable to sleep, and that was the topic of her scolding the entire night.

went to bed at 12:30pm after sending her off for dialysis. when i got up i was bewildered and hormonal and cried while i was bathing because i suddenly felt this wave of angry and ugly and no-life feelings (i didn't have time to go out like i planned cos i woke up a bit too late. so i was like "ah i so no life.. sobsob..") let out the self-pity for a while and then i felt a bit relieved. like taking a giant dump after bad constipation. nobody was at home, so, i could cry like crazy person. like i would sob while reheating pizza and making coffee, not like the conventional sit down and cry prettily kind of cry. haha. imagine me pressing the microwave in dramatic tears. beep beep.. beep.

THIS WEEK IS GOING TO BE SO TOUGH.

seriously, sleep is a precious thing.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DADDY!
love you so much.
to me you are the top chef. (we're both into that show these days.)

tonight is another sleepless night with mama.

just got these from timmy.

i ended up sleeping saturday afternoon away in preparation for the shift tonight. mama's good though. she's really being cute and funny now. (now meaning of late) thank God for a cute mama. she chided me for sleeping over somewhere other than home. she thought i was with a boyfriend. apparently she asked where i was a thousand times last night. aw~

i know matt doesn't read my blog but, HAPPY BIRTHDAY POIFULL! we were so clueless about your birthday when you were here earlier today, i feel bad.

1. indian rojak.
2. dokboki.

that's tomorrow's menu.

oh i had a good chat with my korean teacher today, and he's coming back in august. which is awesome news, you know why? because he can make dokboki! YES! and since he's korean, i'm sure it'll be authentic. hmmhmmhmm~

last night was BBQ, 'fribering', night games, bathe, chill, lights out.

didn't get to sleep because, #1-- didn't bring sleeping bag (epic brainless!) #2-- my peripherals were frozen.

now stoning here. gonna sleep unglamly like pig once matt leaves. he came for breakfast with timmy and he came by to visit us.

can't think of anything else to blog. i'm really zonking out.

uhhhhhhhhh. i planned to do stuff today.

i haven't packed anything for tonight yet, really lazy.

i need to change some diapers now.

slept at 4am, got up at 9am. prepped mama for dialysis and left for geil's after sending her off.

bought mos burger (HAPPY!) up for lunch, chilled, tried to place a gmarket order for G, ate the awesome ice cream roy prepared with strawberries stuck all over and a syrup topping. roy you look great when you cook! *wink wink*

left for town late, reached the orthodontist's clinic late. like half an hour late, we're horrible. i made it a point, as i told geil, not to say anything stupid to the orthodontist today. it's a syndrome i suffer from. somehow-always-manage-to-say-stupid-things-in-front-of-orthodontist syndrome, shortened to SAMTSSTIFOO syndrome. i dunno why lah it just happens over and over again. good thing he's the only orthodontist i know. but if he ever dares call me weird it's pot calling the kettle black. he kind of borders on the eccentric side.. too. maybe the energy in the clinic and my energy conflict. messes up my chi.

anyway G and i walked around ion cos i wanted to get some stuff. 'accessorize' is an awesome shop, seriously. the necklaces and hair accessories (aiyah, all the accessories lah) are ridiculously nice! and actually priced in the mid-range also.. but too bad i mid-ranged also cannot afford. maybe buy one item per month? teehee. :D

why my birthday over already, tsk.

after ion, northpoint to get new notebook. i literally get irritated when i don't have a nice notebook to scribble in so i had to buy one today. and geil lent me a few bucks to get something else we came across. (thank you i will pay you back before i'm 80 i promise verbal contract.)

the thousand turns ritual has begun. i'm dying, i didn't get to nap while there was yet light because i had to go out. on my very haygeh days i sometimes joke with mommy..

CHOYtalk

ag: mom i'm ageing fast, i'm dying. i may just die before mama.

mom: CHOY AIYOH YOU AH !

i know that sounds horrible. hahahahahahaha.

my teeth are aching like wow. how to eat BBQ liddat, you tell me.

i can now sit mama up with one hand, especially while i'm doing something else with the other.

mama: lu kuat sekarang. satu tangan pun boleh. (you're strong now. one hand also can.)

ag: gua kuat. *puts her hand on flexed bicep* (i'm strong.)

mama: ada tikus. lu angkat bersi eh? (got mouse (muscle). you lift weights ah?)

ag: gua angkat mama. *does action at a hysterical speed* (i lift mama.)

both: hahahahahaha.

went to bed at 5am and woke up at 11am. daddy helped settle mama's morning meds and breakfast. he has to... i can't handle a 24 hour shift. (crazy)

mama's laughing at bran cos it's storming outside and bran's scared out of his wits. went to close tim's window just now and i saw a pack of m&m's.

tim: hello?
ag: hello. hi. i'm calling to inquire if... i can eat the m&m's.

pause

tim: -_-" can. eat lor.
ag: can ah? okay thankew~ bye bye~

so that's what i'm eating now.

my bio-clock is out of control. i'm either very sleepy or very awake and there's no predicting when i'll be what.

mama did a biggie today. spent like, 45 mins (no joke) cleaning her up.

"plower" mural. paint and canvas from daiso -- fantastic. 2 more panels to go.

peranakan pedicure service on a boring monday afternoon while watching korean drama.
hmmhmm ^-^

NIGHTTIMING

went to bed at 8am this morning. woke up at 2pm. mama was distressed the whole night. heart's weak and blood's pretty toxic so she feels pain and itchy (at night mostly). did two thousand turns and everything else she wanted, poor old woman. mom stayed home to take over the day duty. i couldn't even if i wanted to.. anywhere i sat down i fell dead asleep.

thank God i'm rested and awake and well and BATHED and ready for the next shift.

i just made a few killer pizza bread with some luncheon meat and cheese and onions and ketchup and mayo i found in the kitchen because i'm in a binging sort of mood. and because mama and i are hungry from the thousand turns ritual. the ingredients are a fool-proof combination. but now i have onion breath...
mama fantastic. 1:55am ask for tea! talk about nocturnal. anyway i got a good nap earlier in the day so i feel fine now. the question is whether or not i'll be able to get a good nap tomorrow.
watched infinity challenge to keep myself awake and happy while waiting for mama to get sleepy. but now my eyes feel funny from staring at the screen so long so i'm gonna continue the mural thing i'm painting for mama. painting "plowers" (flowers) the way mama liked to draw them when she could draw. with layers and layers of funny petals. nothing fancy but it's a time killer and she thinks it's pretty, so. :)

um i just rubbed my eyes and now i remember that i cut onions just now. ow!

YUMMAY.

really really really really really craving dokboki now. DOKBOKIIIIIII!

horrible day. i am so angry with my mother, you have no idea how angry. sometimes the things she says.. feels like she threw my heart in a woodchipper. so hurtful.

seems like i jinxed it. mama's tantrums are on the rise. it's funny she doesn't do it that much with mommy but she does with me, and mommy might just think that i'm being intolerant. sigh~ a time to say what-evarrrrrrr.

yesterday jamie and the geilamon came over to spend some time with me and mama. geil first, with her NAIL POLISH and toy! she did my nails for me lah, so sweet. but they got ruined before they dried cos i had to turn mama. =( later jamie came with munchies! and we had a good chit chat about stuff. bathed the dog, had dinner, and went for 'fribering' together in des' car. kudos to friends who own cars. :D

thanks ladies. ;)
aiyah i forgot to take photo!

didn't go to church today cos i was maxed out from the night before. didn't sleep until.. 4am? plan to go for the movie screening later tonight. the very old movie.

i'm fighting off the sorethroat.

the home seems to be much more adjusted now. mama's practically tantrum-free (okay maybe once a day. today she suddenly scolded me for losing her IC. of course i didn't. like ???) and i'm getting good at this elderly care stuff. like pretty good. ;)

mom: "now you have a new lifeskill, one that kids seldom have nowadays."

ag: "it's not a skill i hope to use too often, mom. like ever. it's not like being able to bake up a cake or sew a dress. this involves... poo. it's one of those 'skills' you use when the responsibility is thrust at you. when you don't have much of a choice, either literally due to financial constraint, or metaphorically because your conscience won't allow otherwise. that's why i'm using this 'skill' now.

*pauses and gasps for air*

but i know i won't regret it."

mom: *smiles because agnes is so lor sor.*

the thousand turns ritual has begun and i know i'm dead cos tomorrow i have to wake up early to prep the mama for her dialysis.

i have just been commanded by mama to apply analgesic on her arm. bye bye.

mama's pooping is giving me a hard time. but it's not her fault at all i guess... the woman's gotta poop. alot.

geil, when's our next ortho appointment? i might have to change the time to a later slot in the day.

a new chapter has begun. the chapter of the painful arm has passed and now it's the chapter of the painful butt. mama's having bowel issues and her butt's real sore, makes it hard to clean and it's hard for her to poop. been changing her diapers very frequently these few days. clean, so pain. don't clean, infection. have to choose "the better of the evils", as my nurse-mom would say.

tagged along with dad to take her home after dialysis just now. hope she can be transferred to AMK soon. she looked like she was going to faint in the cab. the long journey is just not good for her.