in the midst of mama's craziness last night i really couldn't help but smile at some things she said. she was crying about her itch and draggy life, how she wanted to die and how much she hated mites. so i got up to apply some creams. i rubbed her hands and patted them three times in beat to nothing really. just rub rub rub, pat pat pat to comfort her if possible.

"what are you patting?" she kept asking. but it was dark and she wouldn't see what i said if i said anything so i didn't. i just nodded and patted her again, half asleep.

"are you singing? mama, mama dunno how to sing. mama only know the God song. you know? that one. how.. da.. dada da..." and she started humming silent night holy night again. i found it pretty funny. that was nice.

and she spontaneously blurted out "thank you ah!" while i was walking out.

on monday, i was squatting down and sponging her on my ridiculously low bed. she's weak so she kept leaning forward. i paused and looked at her face so close to mine and made a funny shocked face. she laughed. and suddenly she started saying..

"mama isn't afraid of death, you know? i'm not! what's there to be scared of? when someone's time comes, he has to go. it's like that. when i die put some flowers at my grave can already."

it's a sad bunch of words, but she said it so randomly and lightheartedly right in my face i didn't know whether to laugh or cry.