mama's not doing good, again. she's really nauseous and stuff. she's going to SGH today. she's so skinny compared to the last i saw her, which is sad. it was actually really sad visiting her. she was glad to see us, but the whole thing was so sad. i tried to just, focus on lifting her spirits by talking to her and occupying her. and i felt like if i just paused my mind to think of how much she wanted to come back home, or if i stilled my heart to feel anything for a moment i would just burst into a pathetic puddle of tears. because she is so pitiful. she should just be getting so much more now. sometimes i wake up in the night and wonder what mama would be thinking if she were awake in her bed, in the home, right at that very same minute i was awake. she would want me to make kopi-o for her and get her ice for her arm.

it really eats me up that i can't take care of her. or rather, that she can't come home when she wants to so much. and i am crying my heart out right now.