mama was shouting and screaming last night. she wanted mom, but mom needed to sleep, so i shut mom's room door to keep the noise out and tried to figure out how to keep mama calm. plus, if i kept making mom stay up for her, mama would expect her to do so more and more even when she has to work.

so i'd try to pat her to sleep or turn her or fiddle with the fan whenever she wanted, try to tell her that everyone was sleeping and that she was disturbing the neighbours. she would just shout at me and tell me to sleep. "i'm shouting for poh suan lah, not you! not even your business! you wake up for what! (*&^%^$%$%#) i dowan you! POHSUAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!" poh suan is mom's name. so the whole night was like that. dowan to sit up or lie down. when she finally gives in to her drowsiness after i pat her for very long, i lie on my mat and relax my backbone. then i count 3,2,1, and her crying will start again. it's routine but it's still torture.

now she has hemorrhoids because of her constipation, which hurts. but mom did a good job of managing them so they're healing up well. i'm trying to stop mommy from doing anything related to mama at all, other than maybe feeding her, because mom herself is stressed to the max. so i have to deal with the piles. shall not elaborate on that but it's no joke. you have no idea. sometimes when i'm dizzy from smelling her medication-enhanced poo for so long while changing her tediously, i go out of my room for a while and take a deep breath. i wonder to myself how in the world i ended up doing all this stuff. nurses and doctors to this kind of .. thing. an "in your face" moment to my earlier proclamations that i would never ever be a nurse because i wouldn't be able to stand the 'dirty' work.

i wanted to throw myself onto mom and dad's comfy bed and get my rightful hours of rest but the situation at home this morning was so unsettled that i decided sleep should wait. mom was having a moment-of-frustration cry. shall call it MOF from now on. she felt bad for us. i told her that if she really felt bad for us, she should pull herself together so our morale won't drop from seeing her go all mooshy.

some people seem to give off the vibe when they talk to me that we're making a big deal out of taking care of an old lady. like it's actually a simple matter that's easily overcome-able but we're just being weak and spoiled and intolerant and extremely dramatic about it. i have nothing to say to them because i just can't be bothered.

but to everyone who has shown care and love-- thank you. it goes into me and i can give it to mama.