there was an overnight teens event at church yesterday. it was pretty nice, because the younger ones took well to the older ones' efforts to.. bond. :)

we met up at around 4pm friday, unpacked our stuff, played games, had some Word time, had dinner, had more Word time, and set off for night games. we only started playing at 12:30am? but it was fine, because secondary school students just love playing past bedtime for some reason. geil and i were just a bit zonked out and extremely hungry.

we had to walk a course for the game. it emulated the journey of life as a Christian, what with walking alone, facing an unknown path ahead, depending on the guides and streetlights and trusting that the course was planned out and would end well if we followed instructions. we were brought to the ulu roads connecting sembawang park to bottle tree village, in the dead of the night, and we weren't given much information other than to follow and not be afraid. but i tell you, a certain pair of girls were SO scared they screamed at everything. not really their fault lah, it's perfectly understandable because the scene was quite eerie. dimly lit roads with forest surrounding that go on and on. so we walked, and completed tasks, which were basically memorizing verses we picked from the side of the road, reciting it, and telling a guide what it meant. it was dark and far and some parts really muddy and squishy.

i was really happy to see the kids enjoying it and being somewhat receptive to us, and the game, and everything in general. it was easier to befriend them this time round. thank God for the camp!

we slept at 4+ though. but surprisingly i felt well rested when i woke up. maybe because i was so satisfied with the happenings of the previous day. :) i did, of course, come home and crash for a few hours.

after dinner i went for coffee with gerlynn and germaine. somehow, starbucks just seems like the perfect place to relax and talk and laugh. maybe it's the lighting.

now i have a bunch of videos from yesterday and they' re too fragmented to make into a clip. will edit them and see what i can do soon.

huahahahahahhaha. ok lah all in good humor can?

the bunch of photos we took that day never fail to crack me up! even though we look completely unglam. it's fine. one day we'll be glam. for now let's enjoy being goofy.

hope things can be fun and wacky again soon. i feel very different now.

i watched pride and prejudice again. it never gets old. i love how every scene looks like it came from a framed painting. and of course, the unending amounts of yellow, gleaming sunlight.
i was just thinking of translating their lines into SG terms...

"it is encumbered upon me to hint that the eldest Miss Bennett is very soon to be engaged."
would be
"she got boyfriend already."

"I am not afflicted with false modesty, when I say I play poorly..."
would be
"i never bluff you. i really CMI..."

hah.

jajang!

somehow writing things out makes me feel better.

grandma: " boy (tim) is better than you. he is very good to me. pohsuan (mom) is also better than you. when pohsuan comes home will tell her how bad you are! you are bad! you are sinful! God will punish you! -curse curse curse-"

my grandma gets into a fury when i ask her to lie down and sleep. she's bored so she wants me to do a million things for her. but sometimes she just needs to relax for a while so that she can nap.

i am so sick of hearing all her nonsense. she cannot grasp how much i am sacrificing for her. i really need someone to take over me.

now she is behind me gagging herself with her finger so that she will vomit. i'm really trying not to cry.

my weekend

friday (it's counted as the weekend too right? well it is to me.)
stayed home with mama. left around 4pm for coffee with gerlynn at SSC. and there we met clara again. "you both camp here issit?" she asked. hahahah.

later jake came and the three of us had dinner at astons. nomatter where i go in future, SSC's astons will always be one of my favorite places in the world.

after dinner jake and i went to 'sheep group', and we met geil on the bus along the way.

my bad habit of eating free sugar was exposed.

saturday
was the first day of our 2-day VBS! all things went well, thankfully. my art and craft trophy was well taken. and it was a good time of serving God together and being involved with the kids. i've been feeling quite detached from the stuff going on, so this was a good thing.

i hope the sketch we did won't pop up on FB or something though. it was for the kids and the kids only! haha, i paiseh lah my improv very lousy.

sunday
was the second day! i didn't really have much to do other than hang around and be there with the kids and force them to bring home their trophies. i was quite tired out by the end of it but i had no choice but to follow the van and company to lunch, because my ezlink was flat zilch. (revelation of motives for following van hah.) but it was nice, so no harm done. my nap could wait.

praise God for working amongst the kids. and for helping us workers too.

next up is the overnight thing for the teens. jake is starting work tomorrow so he'll be busier. will try to pitch in wherever possible. although i'm still quite mongy (blur) about the event.

i am like, hungry hungry.

Film.

Gerlynn took these pictures of me with her cool film camera a few weeks back, before i cut my hair. the first one was when i was excited about playing with her hair using my mini hair iron. and she went snap!

this was at her room window. it was genuinely sunny and i was squinting cos of the glare. heehee.

we went a'painting!

gerlynn's cookie jar

gerlynn's assorted jars.

my teacup to germaine.

my dreams of wearing a scarf and prancing around.

my london bus to gerlynn.

we met up after lunch and planted ourselves at SSC's kopitiam to paint for fun. all these are prints for cards, christmas or not. they'll each be in the middle of a white paper card as well. you can request added text if you want, like "season's greetings". email me if you want any. $2.00 each. i have orders already so exciting!

season's greetings designs that i scanned to print. they'll be indie and minimalistic. each drawing in the middle of a plain white card. $2.00 each. email me at little.chillipady@gmail.com if you want any. you can request added text to personalize.

oh man, come on. this is too pretty.

mommy went for a job interview today. i think it went well.

tomorrow sounds like it's gonna be a busy day. what with VBS coming so soon. i hope it's fun. :)

mama's tummy is unusually bloated today. she looks like a balloon. like humpty dumpty. really dunno what to expect with her.

gerlynn, tim and i were talking about studies over ya kun just now.

gerlynn: wah, you think your grandma will still be around by then?
aggie: you never know. i think she's an immortal lor.

i made a care package for gerlynn since she's feeling woozy. i love care packages. why doesnt anybody ever make care packages? i am going to make it a habit from now on, as much as possible.

i am covered in mosquito bites now that i'm sleeping in the study room. i sleep in the study now cos i hear every little sound my grandma makes and my sleep was very affected. i dunno why, my ears are tuned to her voice. i hear her every sigh and wake up. i hear her calling me even when she's not there. she has infiltrated my mind. lol.

friday

mama screamed and cried herself to sleep. i worked beside her and put up with her cussing. later the water purifier leaked, but thank God my rolled up portrait had a plastic bag underneath so it didn't soak. almost vomited my heart out when i saw the water all over the floor. i need the money that i'm gonna be paid for it big time.

friday night. i was trying hard not to snooze. and i was craving jam on toast.

saturday.
ah peks napping in the SSC kopitiam. i don't think they knew each other. the one in blue looked so peaceful. nice lunch with geil and jake and the two soccer boys. and i had lunch with the same bunch at the same place today too. T-T hah.

went to church slightly early for the VBS meeting on saturday after lunch and forced jake to play what i have named "qiang scrabble", for convenience's sake, with me! i have not played that game with him for the longest time. my passion (pfft) for it was revived at gerlynn's place the other day. :)


just as an update, my family and i have decided to look for a helper to come over for a few (3-4) hours in the day, monday to friday, to change her diapers and bathe her.

this has been a long run for me. and it's been for my betterment, i agree. now the time has come where i feel like i need to move on to something else. the bottomline, short and blunt is that i have had enough of staying home with my grandma all day most of the week, and i am feeling more than ever the tolls it is taking on me mentally.

it's strange that i'm saying this only now, being that my grandma is much more settled at night and the most tumultuous part of her stay has come and gone. so i guess you could call it a matter of timing. i have done my best being with her through the rough patches when she needed me most. and now i feel that i am done with staying home with her full time.

to be completely honest i feel very unhealthy now. especially in my mind. it's hard to explain, but the back and forth of emotion, being so angry but having nobody to blame, feeling so horribly towards my grandma and knowing that i shouldn't, feeling sad feeling, bad feeling, cooped up and all that jazz. i have a jaded, sick feeling inside me. i look at myself and wonder at how i have churned out almost every wicked thought there is to think.

that being said, i can't say i regret all that i've done over the past 5 months or so, or that it was a mistake to undertake the position of caretaker. i have grown by leaps and bounds and learned about so many practical things. it's simply time to move on.

voicing out about the development to my parents was extremely difficult. because i felt like i was the cause of major change, like i disrupted the tightly functioning eco-system in out household, in other words like i was a bad person. more than that, i had to verbalize many things that i wished i could keep hidden. it was hard. and i was very broken. but eventually they took it in a parently way. we discussed several options. and we're quite set on looking for a day-time caretaker, because that's more affordable than a maid or private nurse, both of which which we don't really need since my dad will still stay home. he's tied back here because he has to carry my grandma down and up our block to and fro from dialysis.

we're praying for a good person to come our way. hopefully a contact of a friend, or anybody for that matter, so long as she's trustworthy and kind and all. once that's in place i'll be able to find work. and after work everyday i'll come home and see mama and smile like how it should be. and i'll still take are of her in the evenings, and she'll still feel secure in our home with us.

i still want mama to get good care, even if it's not from me. and i think it'll work out this way. so we're waiting and asking around. maybe our plan will go through, or maybe it'll drag on and mama will pass before change takes place. i'm asking God for patience and to heal me where i feel broken up and from this will come growth instead of damage. you know how people say they've been broken or smashed into bits. i feel like i've been ground into a powder if that makes any sense at all. but i want God to build something better and stronger and more beautiful from it. i don't want to stay a powder forever.

anyway i've been thinking about how to blog this and here it is. warm thanks to everyone who has been behind us these past few months. thank you. :)

ice cream break, in good time.

geil's coming by for a visit later. if we have time i wanna grab a mcflurry. mcflurrys should be eaten with geil.

yesterday the last episode of 'welcome to the rail world' aired. it's sad that i didn't catch the first 4 episodes or so. encore ! and yesterday gerlynn witnessed my first time eating at pepper lunch. we had a good lunch together. and then we went to town to.. exercise. :)

i'm working on finishing the portrait i'm doing for aunty hwee ling.

i just changed some diapers and my fingernails smell like the powder in the gloves i used and it stinks. my fingernails stink.

the grandma is upset because i'm refusing to give her water or ice. she's already bloated with liquid down her legs and all. if i let her drink anymore she's going to have heart failure or something. so she's behind me crying. :|

this week has started off very difficult too. don't know what else to say.

i'm under the torture of the woman thing again. -wiggles brow- my tummy feels scrunched up and bloated at the same time! i'm in pain. :(

today my parents and i brought mama out for a walk at our AC-ed haven, SSC.

i've been so lazy to blog about the week. but here's a summary:

(last week) SATURDAY

after teens i headed over to gerlynn's for lunch. spent the rest of the day with her and germaine and tim and gerlynn's friend, jeremy, eating pizza, playing scrabble and watching movies. did the cake cutting ceremony, played more scrabble (the evolved version) and went home.

SUNDAY

was tough.

MONDAY

was tough.

TUESDAY

i cannot remember.

WEDNESDAY

mom took leave cos things were too haywire at home. i had time out with gerlynn who turned 20 that day! we had lunch at swensens and went to the hill near my place on a whim to paint. my void deck was fumigated so we were terrorized by hundreds of big fat red (?) roaches there. then on the hill we were attacked by a big brown butterfly. our adrenaline rush for the day.

THURSDAY

nua-ed at home cos of my girly pains. if you messed with me yesterday i would have just laser beamed your head off with my frown and glare.

TODAY

we brought mama out. she wanted to buy everything.

mama's quotes of the week:

"there are people who eat tigers, you know?"

"tiger ada orang makan, tau?"

"next month is christmas. but i can't go to church."

"lain bulan suda christmas, tapi gua tak boleh pergi church."

i felt so sad when she said she couldn't go to church.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GERLYNN!

it's only tuesday and the week already seems so draggy. this week started off tough. i'm having a very tough week.