little chunks out of my everyday book, written in the dead of the night when i was watching mama try to sleep.

"dear mama,

you are my irony. you are my paradox. you are the hardest thing that has ever happened to me, and yet in suffering for your happiness i am happy.

when all this is over, i can say in the truest way possible that i love you."

"dear mama,

you dig your way into my heart looking for what love i have to give.

you are like a child i didn't ask for. you are like a child i can't give up. i am crying because some part of me doesn't want you, while another knows that you belong to me. and it tears my heart in painful two. i realize clearly today that i am doing all this not because of how i feel, but because i know it's right."

thumbs down to all the songs and advice which say follow your heart.

strange things are happening.

1. mama's got sores and scratch marks here and there.

2. she's in pain at night.

3. she's itchy like mad the whole day.

so she cries alot at night. waiting for her appointment at SGH so we can get medicine for her itch and pain. think that will help alot. she's crying behind me now. what to do... :(

tomorrow's my turn to go to church.

today i had to skip TC because i was too tired. woke up late after mama had left for dialysis and went for lunch with the parents at northpoint. had the bomb briyani, the queue was ridiculously long. the day started off quite bad for us but as it went by things got a little more cheery. we roamed around NP and had tea until dad went to pick mama up from dialysis, then we bought some stuff and met him back at our neighborhood for dinner with the mama and the timmy.

oh, and the grand saturday plan went through. ;D

my face is red and peely and it makes me sad.

the entire family chipped in to get me a new comp! thank God for a good deal (i think?). at least now i have something to do when i need to stay up. i'm making a big thank you card for them now. it's drying.

tomorrow i have no choice but to leave mama at 3pm for my braces appointment. tried to reschedule but there are no available slots on sats. so the plan is to give mama piping hot filling food to try and get her to do her daily business before i leave so i can change her and she (hopefully) won't poo while i'm gone. if that's successful then i'll go, stay out, have some tea, have dinner, and go for 'fribering' (FYI that's friday night bible training in short). if all that fails and she does it while i'm out, then dad will give me a call and i'll come home after my appointment to clean her up. her skin can't take the acidity and stuff, it gets red and irritated very easily. irritated means sore and sore means infection and infection means a whole lot of pain. plus infection means pus and pus is gross and i seriously don't need any more gross.

anyway hopefully the grand plan goes through.

i'm playing courier tomorrow. delivering geil's package from korea to her place. i mean, the package is from korea, and i'm delivering it from my house to hers. say hooyah if you love gmarket can?

the mama is starting to rumble behind me.

OKAY IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME THAT THIS POST WILL BE LABELLED FRIDAY SINCE IT'S 1AM SO TAKE NOTE I'M WRITING THIS THURSDAY NIGHT. i didn't really need to caps that. oh well i lazy retype.

mama's back to crying all night.

i'm really really struggling to face the practical reality of my current situation with mama with a good attitude. day in and day out being stuck at home, i can't go anywhere all week long. no job, no money. half dead in the day and tired out at night. i feel so trapped. i can't go out for lunch or coffee or go buy stuff that i need. i don't get to sleep or eat at the right times. to be honest i hate the way i have to live now. it's eating me up inside, i am eighteen years old.

there really is no one to blame. and nothing can be done about it all. it is what it is and i have to suck it up somehow and carry on. everything is so much easier said than done. i know all the model answers. i hesitate to express my difficulties to people because they often feel compelled to advise me almost reflexively. mental note to myself, never to do that.

like i told my dad just now, i'm not asking for anything. i'm not asking for out or for change or for help (if help was available, i would have asked for it already.) i am saying that i am having a very hard time.

for the first time today my dad said that he didn't want to take for granted that i would be fine. it was kind of nice to hear. i have often felt taken for granted to ever be fine, just because i handle things in an 'agnes' sort of way.

everyone, i hope you're having a better day than me. if not then, high five.

YAYAYA.

that was (a very humid) saturday.

last night i was waiting for mama to fall asleep so i watched pride an prejudice (fav fav fav) with her on tim's mac. but he came and took it away for dunno what reason at part 2. (youtube!)

i think i've watched that movie like, 20 times by now. hah, no really. the soundtrack is fantastic. but the more i think about it, the more i wish the lead actor was someone else. he just seems.. old. :\

anyway mama fell asleep at around 2am, and she tried her bestest to be quiet throughout the night. when she woke me up this morning she told me how she tried not to disturb me, and i gave her a big smile and thumbs up and stroke on the head. really like a child.

then she started to ask me to buy chwee kuay... lol.

geil your MT oral is today? HWAITING!

it's saturday night. told mom to go to church tomorrow since she's been watching mama for the past couple of sundays while i went. her turn.

this evening mama is obsessed with-- thosai. (spelling? the indian food.)

last night i was really frustrated with her again cos i really wanted to go for TC in the morning, but she kept making noise so i didn't get to sleep and it was just so tiring. after being very stand-offish with her for a long while i decided to apply some soothing stuff on her itching skin in hopes of appeasing her somewhat. so i applied the stuff on her arm, further up, and then i began to see red spots around her underarm area. opened up her shirt and saw a bunch of them on the side of her upper thorax. they're small sores.. i think supposedly expected with her condition. felt pretty bad about my exhausted tolerance. shall not say low tolerance because.. it's not low. just, used up.

hah i just heard her crying all of a sudden and rushed to my room. she just wanted to turn.

anyways, i still forced myself to go this morning. bathed and ate and left. went to geil's for lunch, took a nap on her couch, came back to get some food for the gathering just now and to pick up a letter which i totally forgot to deliver (epic brainless) and rushed back to church. the gathering was a dinner for the chhims to say thanks and byebye cos they're leaving soon. :'(

jay is helping out in the teens ministry now. like WOW~ thank God for that. we're close to you so we can make special requests right right? no? okay.

i'm gonna (try to) sleep now cos i'm half dead.

mama hasn't had any tantrums at night for the past week, but she still maintains her strict thousand turns ritual habit. i get really bad and sudden "sleepy spells" throughout the day. like, extreme drowsiness all of a sudden that's satisfied by a half an hour or one hour nap. like some disorder...

the queen is fussy and picky and completely obsessed with buying food from downstairs, but overall her behavior is cute and she knows that i'm physically quite stretched. the new line of proper communication helps so much, in fact i think it's the cause of her newfound (slight) sense of consideration. thank God.

been having little sessions of frustration with her here and there though, i'll be honest. sometimes at night when she keeps waking me up for nothing until dawn. sometimes when she refuses to do stuff like put on her clothes. she's not feisty, just really picky.

everyday she asks for rojak. i think it's because she's bored and wants to eat something nice, but forgets that she just ate it recently? so today i suggested mee rebus to her, and ever since then she's been asking me to buy mee rebus everytime i walk into the room.

" tomorrow buy..... ah.... mee rebus! we share share."

10 mins later

"anna anna, tomorrow buy.... ah.... mee rebus! we share share."

repeat and repeat.

tomorrow i plan to go to geil's for dinner. sun plaza got watsons right? i wanna buy mascara with my watsons points. old mascara ran out. :D

when tim is sick...
mom: tim no need to do dishes lah, since he's sick.
tim: *beams*
ag: eh i cannot do also i'm sick.
mom: sick with what?
ag: i got... i got... ... ...mental illness!

and i got exempted too. meaning...? lol.

okay i'm gonna make a hot dog bun now, bye.

itchy hands.

spent two whole hours beside mama doing this. i didn't really get the colors or dimensions exactly right so it's not as stunning as the original picture. but it was fun.

the pastels were from sis. suwei. she gave them to me when she gave me art classes in 2002.

if you squint it kinda looks real. hahah.

plan failed. it was a no go to chongpang, haha.

mommy and daddy have left for hospital, and mama's falling in and out of dreams behind me while i search for korean variety shows online, and blog.

i suddenly have a real painting itch going through my hands. my folded easel and locked up paints look so pitiful.

daddy promised me an iphone to replace my spoilt phone if i wait until the newest one comes out so that the price of the older ones drop. i'm waiting.

mom's got an endoscope scheduled this wednesday. i just realized endoscope is like a general term and it can refer to both gastro and colonoscopes? (if i'm wrong i push the blame to nurse-mom cos she told me that.) anyway she has to go for both of those.

so tomorrow she'll be home in the morning, go for her appointment in the afternoon, and come back i dunno what time. the plan is to go out to the bank with mama to settle some stuff and then have breakfast at chongpang. maybe do a little chongpang shopping for the queen to have some fun. all provided the weather is good. then we'll come back home and i'm guessing mama will be tired out so she can nap the afternoon away, and mom will go for her yucky scopes.

i always feel sort of quietly ecstatic when mom gets to stay home now that mama's here. can't pinpoint why.

i've been eating way too much these past few days and i'm already feeling heavier. constantly nom nom nom. prepare to see a chubby agnes if i keep this up.

1AM in the lee home...

in kitchen: *kling kling klong klong pots and pans* beep beep microwave sound*

dad: the mouse is out...

it's weird but i like reading my own blog over and over. just read a bunch of 2009 posts.

mama was fussy and whiny last night. after i blogged i was chatting to john ho from ages past, and i heard her screaming. totally woke the parents up. went in and decided to sleep, but of course, she couldn't sleep therefore i couldn't either. made cards beside her until 3am, then tried to lie her down again and switch off the lights. didn't work...

i'm gonna go change some poopie diapers now. nice timing.

OK LONG POST HEADSUP.
today was quite pleasant.

was ABC's first anniversary! *clap clap* God's leading is so wonderful to look back on. kudos to timmy and the bannerbulletinnicestuff he put effort into. i sandwich my words when i get lazy.

church, lunch there, and off to geil's for some r&r. thanks for putting up with my intrusions. should pay rent soon. :D went to SSC, bought some stuff, went back to her place for dinner, and came home.

mama thought i ran away from home. ever since the BBQ sleepover she's afraid i won't come back. lol. when i did come home she was in a particularly good mood. which reminds me..

I DISCOVERED THAT MAMA CAN HEAR IF I SHOUT IN HER RIGHT EAR! like, talk loudly right at it. that was how we communicated with her many years back, but while she was in the old folks' home her hearing totally went, but now it works again for some strange reason. it happened yesterday. i forgot why but i decided to say something in her ear.

ag: (all in malay) can you hear me?!!
mama: cannot.

ag: !!!! (if she can answer of course she can hear, which was shocking. and funny cos she was lying.)

ag: LOL.

mama: LOL cos i LOL.

so i spent the next hour talking to her about all sorts of stuff. and having someone talk to her like that after such a long time sort of changed her brain a little. a little more reasonable, more witty, more bright. maybe this will be a great help. communication.

she was really really cute this evening, i can't really describe it but it's like the faces she makes and the tones of her voice. and now she's actually giving me time away from her while she's lying on the bed. i'm in the study room using daddy's comp, cos my comp's a mess and needs to be fixed.

we'll see if she keeps this behavior up through the night, or even the week. (oh ples, God.) if not, then it was nice while it lasted.

met sis. suwei and the gang just now! she says i lost weight, and i would love to accept that wonderful remark, but truthfully the scale shows the same weight as a few weeks ago. -_-" i do wonder why i look more stick-like than before. shall settle with the idea that i'm more toned up after all the regular mama-lifting and wheelchair-lifting. gahaha.

weekend:
friday: mom OTed so i had to stay home instead of going to church.

saturday: mama wouldn't sleep the night before so i just couldn't get up to go for youth group. woke up to send mama for dialysis and go for lunch downstairs. then i spent the day with mom. we went to the melaleuca shop and then went to 313 for fun. found this nice place with nice floral teas and desserts, chinese style. mom was enjoying the tea cos it was in a pretty glass teapot on a burner, and the cups were cool. right, mommy? (she FINALLY started reading my blog.)
anyway, the curse of the no stock kicked in again! i only picked two things i liked while shopping, and there was no size and no bar code so i couldn't buy them. BOOYA! perhaps a divine sign that i shouldn't buy them. went home to carry the wheelchair at 6pm. had a merry little dinner and left the night duty to mom. still, i could hear everything going on in my room so i didn't exactly sleep like a baby.

yay for lalamon, your uncle is like, so yesno~

i sort of abandoned my camera. no mood for pics this month. =(

have a fantastic week, people. :)

things are back to routine at home. mama's back to her nocturnal lifestyle, cute and cuddly in the day and demanding at night. thigh pains aren't a big issue, but the itch is! apparently itchy skin comes with end stage renal failure. toxins in the blood or something. it's been there for a long while, but now it's really starting to kick in strong. she just scratches and scratches and keeps repeating "gatal! (itchy)" every 5 minutes at night. it's mean, but i keep joking that it makes her look more ape-ish. (really! in the cutest way possible.) so anyway, gatal requires more baby lotion. powder. chlorpheniramine. and of course, her all time favorite back scrubs.

you know how people pat your back when you swallow something down the wrong pipe and start coughing? well mom pats mama's forehead. it's funny but i tried it on her today and it works! strrange.

i'm working my way through the SAT 'phonebook'.

MAMAvocab

plower = flower.
stowkeng = stockings = socks.
meeloh = milo.
teteteh = computer.
bee char kway = yew char kway. (bought min chang kway for her before i figured this out lah.)
boy = timmy.
anna = agnes.
pohsuan = mom.
tayleong = daddy.
si gemo/ si ampat kaki = the fatty/the four legged = bran.
si bunga = the flower = carol. (cos you bought flowers for her.)
si kereta = the car = isa. she has another name for you but won't say it here.
si perot besar = the big tummy (pregnant) = sis. suwei! cos everytime she saw you in the past you were pregnant, haha.

i like talking with the malay accent. :D

mommy keeps saying that she really hopes mama's mellowed down after her hospital stay, but honestly i think it's smarter to brace up for her tantrums rather than hope they go away. so if they do go away, then great. and if they don't, then you'd be mentally prepared instead of a puddle of tears. makes sense right? it's kind of like what i've heard over the pulpit before about facing trials. instead of praying for the trials to dissolve, we should pray for strength to go through them and learn something.

i know, spiritual right? *low toned laugh*

anyway mama is about the same as before she went to hospital. childlike, forgetful mind, itching body and painful thigh. i think her meds have been upped a little. other than that the docs say it's all about deterioration. end-stage renal failure, there's nothing much they can do. and it seems thigh pains is expected with renal failure. she seems fine though. she's still cheery in the day before her fangs come out at night. she eats well and laughs everyday. poops well too, i would know. :D her mind is occupied mainly with:
-what day is it and do i have dialysis?
-who is at work and when are they coming back?
-what should i get anna to go down and buy to eat?
-how much money do i have?
-is the blister on my hand healing?
-is the fan on oscillation mode?
-hey, there are birds outside!

yes she's strangely amused by/afraid of the birds that live in the tree outside my room window. and she absolutely cannot live with the fan not being on oscillation mode.

she cried last night but just until about 2am. then she slept all the way till 9am. and i changed her diapers3 times this morning! think she was trying to clear her system so she wouldn't do it at dialysis when she's all "wired up".

okay i gotta go meet daddy at the lift landing and carry the wheelchair down soon. thank God for a tiny, light wheelchair!

the mama is coming back tomorrow. dad will go get her from hospital at around noon. after a good weekend of pre-mama life, i'm kinda feeling the dread, to be honest. back to the sleepless nights and the wailing and the hemorrhoids and not being able to leave the house. but i'm gonna do what i have to do. she's my grandma.

geil you played great today. no mistakes? *over-enthu applause*

WEEKEND

wednesday to friday was relax and recuperate. i was sick on thursday but i got well by friday, thank God.

saturday was fun. went for youth group, and then lunched at geil's. went jalan jalan with her impromptu-ly after that. shopped at far east until we ran out of time. then i went to hospital to see mama, and then i went to chinatown with the parents. met tim's primary school best friend's parents there. we used to sleep over at their house. ah, eugene loo~ hahahaha. was a long day, reached home pretty late.

today was today... church then lunch at astons with the family + geil and roy and jay. walked around daiso a bit, then came home and napped. woke up, went down for dinner, and went to NP to buy eyeliner and stuff. been going out without makeup these past few days. i've become sloppy and ugly, oh no.

UNREASONABLE AUNTY!
(queuing to pay at watsons. very nicely dressed aunty in front of me and mom goes away to take her plastic bags of whatever stuff. i move forward and put my basket on the counter. she comes back and glares her eyeballs out at me.)
aunty: excuse me!! (glare glare)
ag: (takes a step back and removes basket.)
aunty: i haven't even sign my card yet! TSK! (glare glare)
ag: (?! i move back already what she want, apology? nevermind, tahan.) um, i'm sorry i didn't know.
cashier: (STRESS the queue so long fussy aunty take so long.)
aunty:(pays and walks away) pschewpschew dunno what she scolding so angrily still glaring insanely at me.
ag: (looks at her) wah liddat also want to scold?!
cashier: heh, be cool.
ag: oh no worries i'm very cool one. (smiles)
queue behind: (snicker snicker)

mama has been complaining of thigh pains for about four nights. on tuesday night it got worse, and i spent the whole night trying to figure out how to position her or what to rub for her. parents decided to admit her to A&E in the morning, just nice since mom had a CT scan and stuff on the same day.

i forced myself to bathe and change up and go with them because they would definitely need the help, plus i knew mama's day to day condition best so i wanted to speak to the doc myself. i stupidly brought a book along to read during the waiting time, but i think i only managed to read like one paragraph before my eyes shut tight.

mom left for her appointment after registering mama and daddy and i went through the whole long waiting game at the A&E. brief consult, proper consult, x-ray, second consult, wait in observation ward, send to transit ward to wait for more permanent ward. mom joined us after her scan in the early afternoon. we were at SGH from 9+am to 9pm. fantastic.

mama's comfy and quite satisfied with the nice bed that can sit her up and do all those cool things, and change of enviroment. plus she has nurses tending to her every call and she can just be wheeled to dialysis on her bed instead of being carried up and down the stairs and taking a long bumpy cab ride to hougang.

when i got home i immediately fell asleep on my mat since i hadn't slept at all for a FEW DAYS STRAIGHT. the wonders of a young body, thank God for helping me through. woke up only at 1:30pm today. lol. but i can tell that my body is sort of letting go now that i'm temporarily relieved of my responsibility. i have a sorethroat today and my muscles are aching like wow, especially my lower back. head is aching. should be the flu. trying to fight it off. eating mee hoon kway now.

it's pretty cool talking to the doc with all those medical terms (docs don't like it. they think you're acting smart.) like perm cath and osteoporosis and trocanter. heeheehee.

see lah, i've been so zombied from all that mama drama that i forgot to wish mom happy birthday on the 3rd. (horrible!)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY,
love you so much!
thanks for being so determined to raise us right.
you're not perfect, but i can honestly say i wouldn't want any other mom in the world.

---------------------------------------------------------------

mama didn't want to eat much for dinner. she slept for a while and then started her scheduled crying when i wanted to feed her some food before her medicine at around 11pm.

mama: i dowan i dowan i dowan!
ag: look at me. eat food then can eat medicine.
mama: i dowan food! i dowan medicine! i dowan!
ag: hungry? see, porridge. wah~
mama: I DOWAN LAH!!!
ag: (eats the porridge.)
mama: @^&@#$%^&*. i tell pohsuan you don't let me eat!
ag: you want to eat?
mama: dowan!
ag: ?????
mama: (yells for mom for 1 hour+)

somehow when the clock strikes 11 or thereabouts, mama gets into this total hatred towards me for no reason at all. it just happens night after night. i have to try and keep a two feet distance from her while i do everything for her cos she whacks me suddenly. like an old ninja. she would just want mom, like a baby i guess. toddlers sometimes can't sleep at night without their moms around right? i think.. mom calls it the second childhood.

last night was about the same. slept at 3am, woke up at 5am, dunno when and where i fell asleep again after calming her, but woke up on my mat at 9am. prepped her for dialysis and left the feeding to dad, slept at 11 something, then woke up at 2pm. my body can't really tell night from day, or my 3 meals apart. and i dunno why i constantly sound nasal now.

ag: my life has changed so much. i feel like i had myself a baby.
mom: hahahahaha. big baby.
ag: ya. big baby with big diapers. if there ever is a fire, we can each grab one diaper and parachute down from the 4th floor.

MAMAmemory (translated)

scrubs mama's back. reaches for pajamas.
mama: hey. you didn't scrub my back!
ag: i did.
mama: never. scrub!
ag: scrubs again. okay?
mama: nod.
ag: reaches for pajamas.
mama: hey! you didn't scrub my back!
ag: scrubs again. reaches for pajamas.
mama: hey! you didn't scrub my back!!!!
ag: i scrubbed 3 times. you forgot lah.
mama: you never! it's not wet wet!
ag: squeezes water all over her back.
mama: it's not wet wet!!!!

ag: forces her to put on pajamas.

------------------------------------------

mama wakes up and cries.
mama: i'm not going! i dowan to go today!
ag: wakes up. it's monday. no dialysis.
mama: no! i'm not going today!
ag: look at me it's monday. monday. monday. no need to go. don't cry.
mama: I DOWAN TO GO I DOWAN! I DOWAAAAAAAAAN!!

ag: spaces out.

------------------------------------------

mama: close the window!
ag: hot. dowan.
mama: close!
ag: why?
mama: cos if not there will be ghost! *puts hands up with claws very cutely* wooooo~
both: hahahahahahahaha.

mama was shouting and screaming last night. she wanted mom, but mom needed to sleep, so i shut mom's room door to keep the noise out and tried to figure out how to keep mama calm. plus, if i kept making mom stay up for her, mama would expect her to do so more and more even when she has to work.

so i'd try to pat her to sleep or turn her or fiddle with the fan whenever she wanted, try to tell her that everyone was sleeping and that she was disturbing the neighbours. she would just shout at me and tell me to sleep. "i'm shouting for poh suan lah, not you! not even your business! you wake up for what! (*&^%^$%$%#) i dowan you! POHSUAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!" poh suan is mom's name. so the whole night was like that. dowan to sit up or lie down. when she finally gives in to her drowsiness after i pat her for very long, i lie on my mat and relax my backbone. then i count 3,2,1, and her crying will start again. it's routine but it's still torture.

now she has hemorrhoids because of her constipation, which hurts. but mom did a good job of managing them so they're healing up well. i'm trying to stop mommy from doing anything related to mama at all, other than maybe feeding her, because mom herself is stressed to the max. so i have to deal with the piles. shall not elaborate on that but it's no joke. you have no idea. sometimes when i'm dizzy from smelling her medication-enhanced poo for so long while changing her tediously, i go out of my room for a while and take a deep breath. i wonder to myself how in the world i ended up doing all this stuff. nurses and doctors to this kind of .. thing. an "in your face" moment to my earlier proclamations that i would never ever be a nurse because i wouldn't be able to stand the 'dirty' work.

i wanted to throw myself onto mom and dad's comfy bed and get my rightful hours of rest but the situation at home this morning was so unsettled that i decided sleep should wait. mom was having a moment-of-frustration cry. shall call it MOF from now on. she felt bad for us. i told her that if she really felt bad for us, she should pull herself together so our morale won't drop from seeing her go all mooshy.

some people seem to give off the vibe when they talk to me that we're making a big deal out of taking care of an old lady. like it's actually a simple matter that's easily overcome-able but we're just being weak and spoiled and intolerant and extremely dramatic about it. i have nothing to say to them because i just can't be bothered.

but to everyone who has shown care and love-- thank you. it goes into me and i can give it to mama.

on saturday i signed up for the SATs in october. have a few months to study. not confident at all but i'm diving into it anyway.

other parent: homeschooled? then in the end no o levels or a levels?

ag: nope.

parent: not even SATs or those kind of recognized certs?

ag: nope.

parent: then if the uni require then how!????

ag: then take the test? you can always study and sit for those privately...

parent: oh ya hor.

may not make it into the march semester, maybe not even LaTrobe at all, but we'll see.

prepared the art and craft for the kids with my mom until 3+ last night. then struggled to fall asleep going against my new bio-clock setting. slept for two or three hours and woke up late. had 15 minutes to bathe and get ready. forced every ounce of energy out of myself for the kids at chapel today. BJ came in to 'pre-scare' them for me telling them to listen to me or else they'd be brought downstairs to sit in front of him while he preached (LOL). it worked, they were good until service ended, then they went mad.

after the meeting, had lunch with kiara. chit chatted about stuff, then decided to go to SSC's popular to get whatever they had on the SATs. came back with a study guide that looks like a freaking phonebook. i am going to bring it everywhere i go, if i even go anywhere, and i am going to study because i know i'm not the brightest girl on earth. i talk alot but i'm not smart. all the good brain matter went to the firstborn son with the big head. shall not name anybody but i'll tell you that he farts alot, although that's not really related to him being smart.

lol dart gun, fart gun. 'despicable me' seems to be hilarious.

mama is so naughty. she wants to eat kway teow and rojak, so daddy just went down to buy them, and now she's crying how she's gonna die and never get to eat it because he's been gone for 2 minutes and apparently that's a lifetime.

she pulled off another all nighter last night. kept whacking me because she was angry, shouting, crying, moaning. didn't wanna sit up and didn't wanna lie down and kept crying about it. when i sit her up she'd hit me. lie her down she'd scream. now she's into cursing too. scary old-people curses. (if luck were real i'd have the worst luck in the world by now. would probably die from undiscovered parasite from a single raindrop tomorrow. that sway.) it was another horrible night.

now her theory is that daddy ran off with her money.


tim: i lost my keys.

can't find my keys.

where are my keys.

i can't find them.

still can't find.

why doesn't anybody bother that i lost my keys?!

ag: i bother, tim. just.. very, very little.

LaTrobe got back to me asking for more recognized test scores.

so much uncertainty. have to look at my other options. plus there's mama now at home. and other stuff.

splitting headache.