night time is non-stop. day time is deadness.

mama was being crazy naughty last night, you have no idea.

mom was in a rush preparing mama's meds this morning, so i heated up some pizza and made coffee for us. i was starved too.

mom: she's not herself anymore.
ag: she's herself. i mean, she's still her, just.. at another stage. it's not like she's a different person.. she's still mama. a crazier mama.
mom: yeah, she's still mama.

sips coffee

mom: we may all really just die before her.

both: hahahaha.

i need to bake a cake for the parents' birthdays (28th june and 3rd july). need the baking stuff from geil, which i'm gonna get later. and i need lilies (mom's fave) and ... i'll draw out a banner? and we'll have ourselves a jolly old wheelchair-friendly party.

mama's mind is going downhill. she's like a little child, it's more apparent now. today the dialysis center called asking when someone was gonna bring her home, and i was wondering why they'd call to ask that. later daddy told me that when he got there, she was curled up in the fetal position crying to go home! (second time this has happened.) so she basically cries dramatically for every little thing, misunderstands every little thing, whacks me when she's angry, and laughs at me when i come running to her very worriedly. (!) yesterday mama stuck her leg out while she was lying down on the bed and i tripped on it. she burst out in laughter and mommy was like, shocked at how mischievous she has become. but we all ended up laughing about it. now her new trick is to give me a flying kiss when she senses i'm angry at her. ACT CUTE.

night time is when she's really mean cos she just wants my mom and me to stay awake and do stuff for her. last night she fought off her drowsiness the whole night and tried to stay awake to make me do stuff, shouting, scolding, crying, wailing. and the medicine i gave her for pain that causes drowsiness, she says makes her unable to sleep, and that was the topic of her scolding the entire night.

went to bed at 12:30pm after sending her off for dialysis. when i got up i was bewildered and hormonal and cried while i was bathing because i suddenly felt this wave of angry and ugly and no-life feelings (i didn't have time to go out like i planned cos i woke up a bit too late. so i was like "ah i so no life.. sobsob..") let out the self-pity for a while and then i felt a bit relieved. like taking a giant dump after bad constipation. nobody was at home, so, i could cry like crazy person. like i would sob while reheating pizza and making coffee, not like the conventional sit down and cry prettily kind of cry. haha. imagine me pressing the microwave in dramatic tears. beep beep.. beep.

THIS WEEK IS GOING TO BE SO TOUGH.

seriously, sleep is a precious thing.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DADDY!
love you so much.
to me you are the top chef. (we're both into that show these days.)

tonight is another sleepless night with mama.

just got these from timmy.

i ended up sleeping saturday afternoon away in preparation for the shift tonight. mama's good though. she's really being cute and funny now. (now meaning of late) thank God for a cute mama. she chided me for sleeping over somewhere other than home. she thought i was with a boyfriend. apparently she asked where i was a thousand times last night. aw~

i know matt doesn't read my blog but, HAPPY BIRTHDAY POIFULL! we were so clueless about your birthday when you were here earlier today, i feel bad.

1. indian rojak.
2. dokboki.

that's tomorrow's menu.

oh i had a good chat with my korean teacher today, and he's coming back in august. which is awesome news, you know why? because he can make dokboki! YES! and since he's korean, i'm sure it'll be authentic. hmmhmmhmm~

last night was BBQ, 'fribering', night games, bathe, chill, lights out.

didn't get to sleep because, #1-- didn't bring sleeping bag (epic brainless!) #2-- my peripherals were frozen.

now stoning here. gonna sleep unglamly like pig once matt leaves. he came for breakfast with timmy and he came by to visit us.

can't think of anything else to blog. i'm really zonking out.

uhhhhhhhhh. i planned to do stuff today.

i haven't packed anything for tonight yet, really lazy.

i need to change some diapers now.

slept at 4am, got up at 9am. prepped mama for dialysis and left for geil's after sending her off.

bought mos burger (HAPPY!) up for lunch, chilled, tried to place a gmarket order for G, ate the awesome ice cream roy prepared with strawberries stuck all over and a syrup topping. roy you look great when you cook! *wink wink*

left for town late, reached the orthodontist's clinic late. like half an hour late, we're horrible. i made it a point, as i told geil, not to say anything stupid to the orthodontist today. it's a syndrome i suffer from. somehow-always-manage-to-say-stupid-things-in-front-of-orthodontist syndrome, shortened to SAMTSSTIFOO syndrome. i dunno why lah it just happens over and over again. good thing he's the only orthodontist i know. but if he ever dares call me weird it's pot calling the kettle black. he kind of borders on the eccentric side.. too. maybe the energy in the clinic and my energy conflict. messes up my chi.

anyway G and i walked around ion cos i wanted to get some stuff. 'accessorize' is an awesome shop, seriously. the necklaces and hair accessories (aiyah, all the accessories lah) are ridiculously nice! and actually priced in the mid-range also.. but too bad i mid-ranged also cannot afford. maybe buy one item per month? teehee. :D

why my birthday over already, tsk.

after ion, northpoint to get new notebook. i literally get irritated when i don't have a nice notebook to scribble in so i had to buy one today. and geil lent me a few bucks to get something else we came across. (thank you i will pay you back before i'm 80 i promise verbal contract.)

the thousand turns ritual has begun. i'm dying, i didn't get to nap while there was yet light because i had to go out. on my very haygeh days i sometimes joke with mommy..

CHOYtalk

ag: mom i'm ageing fast, i'm dying. i may just die before mama.

mom: CHOY AIYOH YOU AH !

i know that sounds horrible. hahahahahahaha.

my teeth are aching like wow. how to eat BBQ liddat, you tell me.

i can now sit mama up with one hand, especially while i'm doing something else with the other.

mama: lu kuat sekarang. satu tangan pun boleh. (you're strong now. one hand also can.)

ag: gua kuat. *puts her hand on flexed bicep* (i'm strong.)

mama: ada tikus. lu angkat bersi eh? (got mouse (muscle). you lift weights ah?)

ag: gua angkat mama. *does action at a hysterical speed* (i lift mama.)

both: hahahahahaha.

went to bed at 5am and woke up at 11am. daddy helped settle mama's morning meds and breakfast. he has to... i can't handle a 24 hour shift. (crazy)

mama's laughing at bran cos it's storming outside and bran's scared out of his wits. went to close tim's window just now and i saw a pack of m&m's.

tim: hello?
ag: hello. hi. i'm calling to inquire if... i can eat the m&m's.

pause

tim: -_-" can. eat lor.
ag: can ah? okay thankew~ bye bye~

so that's what i'm eating now.

my bio-clock is out of control. i'm either very sleepy or very awake and there's no predicting when i'll be what.

mama did a biggie today. spent like, 45 mins (no joke) cleaning her up.

"plower" mural. paint and canvas from daiso -- fantastic. 2 more panels to go.

peranakan pedicure service on a boring monday afternoon while watching korean drama.
hmmhmm ^-^

NIGHTTIMING

went to bed at 8am this morning. woke up at 2pm. mama was distressed the whole night. heart's weak and blood's pretty toxic so she feels pain and itchy (at night mostly). did two thousand turns and everything else she wanted, poor old woman. mom stayed home to take over the day duty. i couldn't even if i wanted to.. anywhere i sat down i fell dead asleep.

thank God i'm rested and awake and well and BATHED and ready for the next shift.

i just made a few killer pizza bread with some luncheon meat and cheese and onions and ketchup and mayo i found in the kitchen because i'm in a binging sort of mood. and because mama and i are hungry from the thousand turns ritual. the ingredients are a fool-proof combination. but now i have onion breath...
mama fantastic. 1:55am ask for tea! talk about nocturnal. anyway i got a good nap earlier in the day so i feel fine now. the question is whether or not i'll be able to get a good nap tomorrow.
watched infinity challenge to keep myself awake and happy while waiting for mama to get sleepy. but now my eyes feel funny from staring at the screen so long so i'm gonna continue the mural thing i'm painting for mama. painting "plowers" (flowers) the way mama liked to draw them when she could draw. with layers and layers of funny petals. nothing fancy but it's a time killer and she thinks it's pretty, so. :)

um i just rubbed my eyes and now i remember that i cut onions just now. ow!

YUMMAY.

really really really really really craving dokboki now. DOKBOKIIIIIII!

horrible day. i am so angry with my mother, you have no idea how angry. sometimes the things she says.. feels like she threw my heart in a woodchipper. so hurtful.

seems like i jinxed it. mama's tantrums are on the rise. it's funny she doesn't do it that much with mommy but she does with me, and mommy might just think that i'm being intolerant. sigh~ a time to say what-evarrrrrrr.

yesterday jamie and the geilamon came over to spend some time with me and mama. geil first, with her NAIL POLISH and toy! she did my nails for me lah, so sweet. but they got ruined before they dried cos i had to turn mama. =( later jamie came with munchies! and we had a good chit chat about stuff. bathed the dog, had dinner, and went for 'fribering' together in des' car. kudos to friends who own cars. :D

thanks ladies. ;)
aiyah i forgot to take photo!

didn't go to church today cos i was maxed out from the night before. didn't sleep until.. 4am? plan to go for the movie screening later tonight. the very old movie.

i'm fighting off the sorethroat.

the home seems to be much more adjusted now. mama's practically tantrum-free (okay maybe once a day. today she suddenly scolded me for losing her IC. of course i didn't. like ???) and i'm getting good at this elderly care stuff. like pretty good. ;)

mom: "now you have a new lifeskill, one that kids seldom have nowadays."

ag: "it's not a skill i hope to use too often, mom. like ever. it's not like being able to bake up a cake or sew a dress. this involves... poo. it's one of those 'skills' you use when the responsibility is thrust at you. when you don't have much of a choice, either literally due to financial constraint, or metaphorically because your conscience won't allow otherwise. that's why i'm using this 'skill' now.

*pauses and gasps for air*

but i know i won't regret it."

mom: *smiles because agnes is so lor sor.*

the thousand turns ritual has begun and i know i'm dead cos tomorrow i have to wake up early to prep the mama for her dialysis.

i have just been commanded by mama to apply analgesic on her arm. bye bye.

mama's pooping is giving me a hard time. but it's not her fault at all i guess... the woman's gotta poop. alot.

geil, when's our next ortho appointment? i might have to change the time to a later slot in the day.

a new chapter has begun. the chapter of the painful arm has passed and now it's the chapter of the painful butt. mama's having bowel issues and her butt's real sore, makes it hard to clean and it's hard for her to poop. been changing her diapers very frequently these few days. clean, so pain. don't clean, infection. have to choose "the better of the evils", as my nurse-mom would say.

tagged along with dad to take her home after dialysis just now. hope she can be transferred to AMK soon. she looked like she was going to faint in the cab. the long journey is just not good for her.

today is one good day with mama.

good morning.

no, actually not very good. watched the hours pass until the sky turned bright. i had to do the thousand turns ritual the entire night up til about half an hour ago, by which time i gave up on sleeping because i'd have to wake up again shortly and i know i'd feel horrible and i know i'd op to stay home like a pig on my precious "off day" .. cannot cannot. i plan to crash later in the afternoon. that's my grand plan.

mommy pitied me and gave me a back rub just now. i think soon, i will have hulk back muscles. and i was joking with mommy that i hope i get double eyelids from skipping entire nights of sleep. she got hers after having tim and me, when she was sleep deprived and all. me too please! =D *plays with eyelids*

i want to eat kuay baulu and fruitloops and png kuay for breakfast. in reverse order. mommy says i'm stress binging but, i think i'm just really hungry from flipping mama here and there.

just had a good chat with JIA EN from donkey years ago ! his braces are off lah, so good. can't wait for my teeth to be liberated. all the braces people say hoowah.

i've been having weird-bad dreams lately.
first one, all my teeth started to come out while they were still braced. and i was freaking out and pushing them back in while rushing to the orthodontist in tears.
next one, someone entrusted a pregnant cat to us and it jumped on a slanted ledge at a corridor and slid off, but it didn't die. and i couldn't reach any vet in singapore.
third, i found my friend smoking and i took the stick from him while casually trying to persuade him to quit, and suddenly some church people are standing in front of me and they thought i was smoking and i was frustratedly trying to explain to them that i was just holding it for a split second.

where have all the nice dreams gone to.

THANK GOD LIST :
- our fridge was breaking down on us and my aunt was giving away hers. so we got a new fridge for $150 (transportation).

-got free bag from renewing passion card.. or something. hahahaha.

-kids believed on Jesus at VBS! and the weather was okay for the water games today.

WEEKPICS.

VBS! i was there in time for the water games. this is the kindies going crazy in the baby pool.

bran enjoying my mat.

mum mum time before dialysis.

mama was very sweet and subdued last night, a first since she's been home. tired smile and bogay smile. ^-^

MAMA
DIDN'T
SLEEP.

by 7 plus i was still turning her and my eyes were gluing shut, so i told mommy she had to take over and i fell asleep in the living room.

just now she puked again, but I CAUGHT IT IN TIME WITH MY DUSTBIN! feel like olympic gold medalist. although there's no such sport as ... puke.. catching.

"IT'S SO FLUFFY, I'M GONNA DIE!"
- agnes in "despicable me"

hahahahahaha! ben just sent me a link of that on youtube and it's so cute i can't get that phrase outta my head.

ben: were you like that when you were younger?
ag: i think i'm like that now.

mama's crying and i've turned her, almost a thousand times already. she's getting tired now, so it's just a matter of time before she sleeps. then i can sleep. SLEEPPPPPPPPPP~

my new official job is to scratch mama's back. she loves my nails. haha.

she's in pain now so she's crying, but not tantrum-like like previous nights. i'm probably gonna have to stay up to do the thousand turns ritual, so.. i'm trying to stay awake.

mama's dialysis is not working well, and the water in her body is building up day by day. she's bloated and swollen all over. her right arm hurts the most. but, she eats and talks really well which shows that she's not critically weak yet. we're bracing ourselves for a slow deterioration. i have the scenarios sorted out in my mind. =(

mom, dad, me and mama just watched P. ramlee on my comp. apparently they filmed their shows in singapore back in that day. kinda cool...

there has been some slight improvement with mama during the days that've passed. mommy took leave on tuesday, mc on wednesday, and leave again today because the situation at home was just topsy turvy. on monday night, mama wailed and cried so i had to stay up the whole night and turn her about a thousand times. she cry i also cry, cos i was so frustrated and everyone else was sleeping soundly while mama was screaming in my face all the way until 5am. was so exhausted and my back was so pain that i was quite dead on tuesday. woke up looking like a goldfish. mommy stayed home to take over me. mama went for dialysis at 12:30pm.

later in the day mommy told me that mama hadn't been given her medicine over the past 2 days or so, WHICH INCLUDE HER PAINKILLERS AND MUSCLE RELAXANTS and stuff THUS HER AGONIZING DISCOMFORT AND IRRITABLE MOOD. was so thankful that there was an actual cause to all the mayhem, but then...

tuesday night, mama started her wailing at 10:30pm again. she told me to stop watching TV and sleep in the room with her, so i complied. but her crying got louder and louder and i turned her back and forth three times before i realized that it was going to be like the night before. so mom and dad told me to sleep in the living room, and i did, while mommy took my place in my room on the floor beside mama. at that point they probably had no idea what they were in for. she cried like mad the whole night and mommy did the 1000 turns for her. mommy was equally frustrated with her by 5am and i finally felt like someone knew what i was talking about when i told them i cried the night before. (when i told them they gave me a face like, huh liddat also you cry ah..) on wednesday mom and dad and i were zombies.

wednesday mom stayed home too. while mama was tired out from the noisy night before and slept, mommy told me to catch some sleep too so that i could tend to her when she woke up again later and mommy could sleep while i was "on duty". poor mommy... her back must be breaking from the thousand turns. i shall call it the thousand turns ritual. mama didn't poop the whole day, and i felt like i was waiting for a bomb to explode, waiting for her to poop. (the longer she holds, the more collects, the bigger the bomb.) the day passed smoother than the previous two, no major crying or shouting. although she puked up all the stuff we fed her at dinner and all the medicine all over the wheelchair, but that couldn't really be helped cos her gag reflex is no longer a reflex anymore. she was like, hunched merlion. then night time came and i just waited to see how she would decide to be.

she was GOOD! she decided to be pretty and quiet, only waking me up about 4 times for various reasons, sometimes for no reason but still, she was much more considerate and controlled. THANK GODDDDDDDDD. ^-^ i now really appreciate a few hours of good sleep.

i'm feeding her as i blog now. she's leaving for dialysis in about half an hour's time, and i know she secretly wants to watch P. ramlee on my comp. hope the days ahead will be more settled.

i haven't had such a tough day in a long time.

mama threw plenty of tantrums today. my conclusion is that she's disoriented and insecure without mommy around. it is so tough, seriously. she was shouting and wailing and crying at me... not the happy little old lady i had imagined. i didn't get 5 minutes to myself, not until mommy came home and appeased her. it's too hot, then too cold, then she wants to sit up, then lie down, then she's fed up cos there's nothing to do, carry her here, carry her there, whole body pain, wipe her face, make her milo, change her diapers, turn her around, bed to wheelchair, wheelchair to bed, rub her hands, rub her legs, rub her chest, watch her as she shouts and shouts about why we brought her home when mommy wouldn't be around. was telling mommy about her unexpected horrid mood over the phone and she told me " just be nice to her... can't help it." and i was like crying. like a little kid. it feels bad cos nomatter what i do, she's so unhappy when she's supposed to be happy. she's so angry at me and it's like she hates being here.

well, hopefully it's an adjustment thing, and with time she'll realize that i'm committed to taking care of her and mommy has to work.

i'm realizing in a very real way how old people sleep very little. mama sleeps for a few hours at night and wakes up to cry. very sleep-deprived, i tried to nap today but i was lying on the floor within her line of sight (not very strategic) so i ended up doing more sit-ups than sleeping cos she called me every minute to do something.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

and i shall end off this post by saying that i love mama. just to remind myself why i am doing all this. yes.

mama moved back in yesterday, and she's settling in just fine. mommy says her heart is very weak, that's why she's all bloated with water everywhere. she groans and coughs alot at night. anyway, tomorrow will be my first day of caring for her by myself. hope all goes well, haha.

daddy's down with the flu bug and mom's getting it too, so they didn't go to church today. i was left alone to contain the kids during chapel. almost died.

i have not been in a blogging mood lately. kind of forcing myself to update now.

HAPPY

i'll just dive into this post because i can't really think up an introduction, other than this sentence. my grandma got talking with my uncle while she was at hospital the other day, and she clearly expressed her anger at him for putting her in an old folks' home instead of letting her come back to my house, and also her hatred towards the fact that he planned a buddhist funeral for her. she scolded him and told him she believes in Jesus. apparently it was quite dramatic cos i heard my uncle was very hurt and emotional at that point.

and he decided to let her come home, to my place.

he said that he now sees that her christianity isn't forced upon her as he had thought all along. and he wants to respect her beliefs. AND he was very sad that she thought he dumped her in a home. he didn't know she thought that way.

so this is a good thing. we've been praying for her to come back for a long time now. so that she can be happy and peaceful. but this good thing entails alot too. i'll have to take care of her, and our floor has no lift so daddy will have to carry her up and down the stairs for dialysis. neither of us can work for the time being. we're arranging for her transfer to the yishun dialysis center cos she can't travel so far so often anymore. once that is done she'll move in with us! :)

i'm just bracing myself for the yucky bit-- the diapers. and maybe her tantrums. but it'll be fine. it's the right thing to do, so i'm gonna throw myself into it and figure it out. you can only plan so much.

mama's still at SGH now. she was supposed to be discharged yesterday but she complained of breathlessness so she stayed another night. or two? we're thinking she might be 'being breathless' cos she doesn't wanna go back to the old folks' home to wait for her transfer (she's supposed to stay there for a while until the transfer works out cos the home is near the hougang center.). she wants to come straight here. haha~

so that's that. there's alot to tell but i just nutshelled everything. thank God.

the three other members of my family are playing 'angry birds' on tim's ipod. that game is making idiots out of all of them. they are ridiculously into it and it sounds hilarious.

stupiak!

my phone is spoiled so if i don't reply/answer you, probably not my fault. :(

teehee ...
yummy in my tummy makes me smile.