IKEA PLUS TANGLIN.

aunty....

we were at ikea at 10 in the morning. bright and early, for our $3 breakfast.

we bought a frame for the paddington bear painting i painted for germaine. it was really nice.

geil's birthday,

p&p day,

gerlynn and i cooked!

panicking to make the fireplace,

bran finding it cozy,

rehearsal tuesday.

Monoday.

Had breakfast with Gerlynn again on Monday. We went back home to paint and watch my favorite-- pride and prejudice. ( kyaaaaaa!) hah. We didn't have enough time to finish it though. Part 2 soon.

After she left I realized I needed to bring the fireplace prop to church tmr! Rushed to cut up the box and paint it. It looks decent enough. Please appreciate it!

I have been wanting to blog pics but i haven't gotten to it just yet.

Tuesday night is dinner with matthias and Gerlynn. Wednesdnay night is dinner at my aunt's. :D sounds prettay good to me. Thursday is ikea in the afternoon and tanglin mall in the evening! And Friday is the Christmas play.

I hope this week goes well. Seems like it will be much fun. Or at least full of small happy moments.

Goodnight!

pride and prejudice: "I do not pretend to possess equal frankness with your ladyship. You may ask questions which I shall not choose to answer."

singlish: "Dunch tell you."

agnes: see what scabies has done to my bellybutton! -scratches bellybutton with finger-
tim: eeee you have scabies?
agnes: -looks at tim-
agnes: -wipes finger on tim-
tim: AAAAAH! MOMMY MOMMY DID YOU SEE WHAT AGNES DID?!!

the scabies mites are housing in my poor naval. the itch is unearthly. :( hope the medicine helps.

i'm in my bubble today. my clair de lune bubble. i'm in it and i plan to stay in it for a while.

mommy bought the liese bubble hair dye for me because i've been wanting it for a while. when i got home nobody was in, only the liese bubble hair dye sitting on the dining table saying, "surprise!"

thanks mommy. :)

yesterday tim was asking me which part i wanted to play in the christmas play we are planning. i told him to give me the wordiest part cos i was afraid the younger ones wouldn't be able to handle it and it would be a MESS. and today i was assigned a part with no words at all. in fact my part wasn't even existant a day ago. we made up Friend 4 today just so i would be of some use. no matter though, cos the kids seem to cope alright. they just need to speak up and ARTICULATE (pls!). acting-wise, well this isn't an audition so who cares how natural it is. i hope it goes well. :)

i'm gonna stay home and hide in my bubble. inconspicuous and kept to myself. just for today.

geil's present hasn't arrived yet. i hope it wasn't delivered when nobody was at home. :| she's 16!

i HAVE to work on the fireplace prop for next week. does anyone have a big cardboard box that you don't want? i need it!

tangled was very very very nice. i admit, i melted in my seat. gerlynn disagrees but i think it's better than how to train your dragon. :D if there is a plush toy of pascal (the chameleon) i am going to buy one and play with it everyday. rapunzel is just, crazy pretty. and flynn ryder. FLYNN RYDERRRRRRR AHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY DOES NO SUCH PERSON EXIST. so much hype over an animated guy. i'm horrible.

i need to call carol to ask if i can join in on the internship after christmas.

christmas time is coming! truthfully, i've never looked forward to christmas so much in my entire life. why was the holiday season always so depressing? well, this year it is not. perhaps it's because a good bulk of the year was already so hard, and now that there is some relief i genuinely appreciate what i have going on for me although it isn't really anything special. i can't really say. but it's a blessing anyhow. if the year was ending badly right now i probably would not be able to put myself back together again. so God does know how much you can handle. that seems to be the glaring lesson of 2010 for me to ponder upon.

:)

on march 16th next year i will get to say, "what an eighteenth year!" i really really want to say that.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEILAMON!

5 mins into your birthday. :D

i'll take this day to specially thank God for you and letting me meet you, know you, and have you as a great friend. today. your day!

thanks for bearing with me for the past couple of years and cheering me on in the ways you can. i love library afternoons and tao hway breaks and sofa naps with you. hope i've been there for you when you needed me too.

and it's in all honesty that i say that i love you very very much. really! love you geil. :)

on tuesday i went to return shermaine her DVD, and there was this kids' christmas party going on near her place organized by her aunt. i helped them pack up after it finished and had dinner at sher's place. i was supposed to meet ben after dinner later in the evening but he bailed on me. nice.

no harm done though, cos i had more time with shermaine. finally got to catch up with her before she leaves for beloved korea. hope to join her on her internship/observation sessions at KTPH. i have to ask carol when she comes back from malaysia.

TANGLED DATE WITH GERLYNN TOMORROW TO CELEBRATE THE PASSING OF HER EXAMS! finallly we can execute the picnic and ikea plans we made last month.

AND, GEIL'S BIRTHDAY IS COMING REALLY SOON!!!! too bad this year we can't throw her into the sea again. i hope she likes what i bought her. :)

i hope that the rest of the time until school (be it in SG or aus) begins will be nice. in a realistic way you know? like pleasant and smoother-going with just small problems to deal with here and there.

skyping with timmy from the study room to his room while i was doing some studying...

[1:31:32 PM] Agnes Lee: It is important to note that lack of or limited excursion of the hyolaryngeal area was not predictive of how an
individual responded to the surgery
[1:31:35 PM] Agnes Lee: means what
[1:31:58 PM] Timothy Lee: hyolaryngeal area?
[1:32:05 PM] Timothy Lee: you mean hypolaryngeal area
[1:32:14 PM] Agnes Lee: i copy and paste one
[1:32:19 PM] Agnes Lee: how i know correct or not
[1:32:24 PM] Timothy Lee: uh...
[1:32:25 PM] Agnes Lee: i dun even know what it means
[1:32:48 PM] Timothy Lee: means just because the fella has some bulge at the base of the throat doesn't mean he's nt doing well after surgery
[1:33:10 PM] Timothy Lee: oh oh
[1:33:11 PM] Timothy Lee: no no
[1:33:50 PM] Timothy Lee: means just because the fella does NOT have some bulge at the bottom of his throat doesnt mean he's nt doing well
[1:35:44 PM] Agnes Lee: i thought it doesnt prove anything. not it doesnt prove he's not doing well
[1:36:03 PM] Agnes Lee: it just doesnt predict anything
[1:36:06 PM] Agnes Lee: right?
[1:38:00 PM] Agnes Lee: ?
[1:38:07 PM] Timothy Lee: ya
[1:38:11 PM] Agnes Lee: Most favorable results were associated
with patients who have dysphagia of an unknown origin versus patients who have history of a neurological event or
cancer.
[1:38:40 PM] Agnes Lee: means patients with unknown cause of dysphagia responded better to the surgery than the latter right?
[1:39:08 PM] Timothy Lee: yes
[1:39:11 PM] Agnes Lee: walao they write until so chim... sickening.
[1:39:23 PM] Agnes Lee: bread chao da liao
[1:44:41 PM] Timothy Lee: haha
[1:44:45 PM] Timothy Lee: it exploded

i have this habit called "i ask my brother" which i think will never go away. when i am 80 i will still say... "wait, i ask my brother!"

he just reads SO MUCH and i read almost nothing at all. other than my Bible and a very narrow selection of books that suit my liking, which i become obsessive over once i discover and like them.

Acts 11:23 Who, when he came, and had seen the grace of God, was glad, and exhorted them all, that with purpose of heart they would cleave unto the Lord.

it's been a long time since i've had tao hway for breakfast.

last night isa reminded me that i was teaching the kindies for sunday school this morning and i panicked! rushed to read the story and prepare the craft work. at 1:30am i realized i prepared the craft for the wrong lesson and i was SO MAD WITH MYSELF because that's just so typical of me. but i used it anyway cos it wasn't totally irrelevant and it was too late to think up another craft idea.

thank God all went well in the morning and i am still okay with the kids. kudos to sunday school teachers! :)

GET WELL SOON GEIL! you were like, voiceless just now! :( feel better soon. i buy haribo for you after you get well.

mama is dopey and she has become a pooping machine. she's been bombing ALOT lately it's a sign that her internals are not doing good. i wonder what december will bring.

JIAYOU GERLYNN. i'm seriously rooting for you, will be for the next few days. -makes fist-

i couldn't fall asleep last night, i don't really know why. gave up on trying to be sleepy at 7am when i saw mommy getting ready for work. but now she's gone and i'm left feeling sleepy and boggle-eyed. reminds me of the times when i had to get up a million times from the floor to tend to mama. we've come a long way.

i've been having sinus problems every night for the past four nights now. my nose just gets clogged and swollen inside when it comes to sleeping time and it gets drippy. i sound nasal in the day. it's my new voice, hah.

yesterday's lunch date with gerlynn was very nice because she's studying for exams and we haven't been able to meet up as often. the time passed so quickly, it was unreal. it's like this phenomenon how time flies when we finally get to talk. i didn't know there was a good scrapbooking shop at novena. i will take up scrapbooking if i become a tai tai in future. the materials and stuff are.. not cheap.

one day the both of us will publish our book and you will see it at MPH and kino and prologue. hahahahahaha.

we've hired a lady to come and clean my grandma up during the day. change her diapers, bathe her, play with her a bit. i will have to guide her during the next few days, the many likes and dislikes of my grandmother.

then i have to find work of some sort. :)

i'm skipping church camp this year. because i have to settle this home stuff and because we have no money for me to go and because my passport isn't renewed yet. it's okay. next time. i shall have no holiday this year.

yesterday i was running a fever and having all the flu symptoms but i'm alright today. i had a horrid day yesterday because i quarreled with my mother, and it got very ugly.

tomorrow i have a quiznos date. -beams at the thought of a good meal-

to be as honest as possible, i haven't really been in a good state these past few months. and it's very hard to come out and tell people that i feel like a wreck. it's hard to say in detail. but the light of coming change seems to up my spirits somewhat. which is nice and timely.

gmarket has some problem and i can't order geil's present! -roars- is anybody else having the same problem? after placing an order the pop up says there was a connection error.

my parents have decided on getting a helper from NTUC eldercare or something. the past few days have been quite rough with my parents. but it's okay now. hopefully by next week the day-time helper would have started work, and my grandma would take well to her.

things are moving along. in good timing.

i have to do housekeeping today.

this morning i woke up to mama's crying at the break of dawn. i can hear her from the study room now. i don't know if it's because she got louder or my ears got sharper. i can hear her when there's construction going on. or when i have headphones on. "annaaaaaa.....annaaaaaaa..." at night this house sounds haunted, what more because she starts crying at unearthly hours after 12.

i wonder what december will bring. hopefully, happy times. OH TODAY GOT FREE COFFEE AT STARBUCKS RIGHT??! i just remembered! confirm got long queue.

there was an overnight teens event at church yesterday. it was pretty nice, because the younger ones took well to the older ones' efforts to.. bond. :)

we met up at around 4pm friday, unpacked our stuff, played games, had some Word time, had dinner, had more Word time, and set off for night games. we only started playing at 12:30am? but it was fine, because secondary school students just love playing past bedtime for some reason. geil and i were just a bit zonked out and extremely hungry.

we had to walk a course for the game. it emulated the journey of life as a Christian, what with walking alone, facing an unknown path ahead, depending on the guides and streetlights and trusting that the course was planned out and would end well if we followed instructions. we were brought to the ulu roads connecting sembawang park to bottle tree village, in the dead of the night, and we weren't given much information other than to follow and not be afraid. but i tell you, a certain pair of girls were SO scared they screamed at everything. not really their fault lah, it's perfectly understandable because the scene was quite eerie. dimly lit roads with forest surrounding that go on and on. so we walked, and completed tasks, which were basically memorizing verses we picked from the side of the road, reciting it, and telling a guide what it meant. it was dark and far and some parts really muddy and squishy.

i was really happy to see the kids enjoying it and being somewhat receptive to us, and the game, and everything in general. it was easier to befriend them this time round. thank God for the camp!

we slept at 4+ though. but surprisingly i felt well rested when i woke up. maybe because i was so satisfied with the happenings of the previous day. :) i did, of course, come home and crash for a few hours.

after dinner i went for coffee with gerlynn and germaine. somehow, starbucks just seems like the perfect place to relax and talk and laugh. maybe it's the lighting.

now i have a bunch of videos from yesterday and they' re too fragmented to make into a clip. will edit them and see what i can do soon.

huahahahahahhaha. ok lah all in good humor can?

the bunch of photos we took that day never fail to crack me up! even though we look completely unglam. it's fine. one day we'll be glam. for now let's enjoy being goofy.

hope things can be fun and wacky again soon. i feel very different now.

i watched pride and prejudice again. it never gets old. i love how every scene looks like it came from a framed painting. and of course, the unending amounts of yellow, gleaming sunlight.
i was just thinking of translating their lines into SG terms...

"it is encumbered upon me to hint that the eldest Miss Bennett is very soon to be engaged."
would be
"she got boyfriend already."

"I am not afflicted with false modesty, when I say I play poorly..."
would be
"i never bluff you. i really CMI..."

hah.

jajang!

somehow writing things out makes me feel better.

grandma: " boy (tim) is better than you. he is very good to me. pohsuan (mom) is also better than you. when pohsuan comes home will tell her how bad you are! you are bad! you are sinful! God will punish you! -curse curse curse-"

my grandma gets into a fury when i ask her to lie down and sleep. she's bored so she wants me to do a million things for her. but sometimes she just needs to relax for a while so that she can nap.

i am so sick of hearing all her nonsense. she cannot grasp how much i am sacrificing for her. i really need someone to take over me.

now she is behind me gagging herself with her finger so that she will vomit. i'm really trying not to cry.

my weekend

friday (it's counted as the weekend too right? well it is to me.)
stayed home with mama. left around 4pm for coffee with gerlynn at SSC. and there we met clara again. "you both camp here issit?" she asked. hahahah.

later jake came and the three of us had dinner at astons. nomatter where i go in future, SSC's astons will always be one of my favorite places in the world.

after dinner jake and i went to 'sheep group', and we met geil on the bus along the way.

my bad habit of eating free sugar was exposed.

saturday
was the first day of our 2-day VBS! all things went well, thankfully. my art and craft trophy was well taken. and it was a good time of serving God together and being involved with the kids. i've been feeling quite detached from the stuff going on, so this was a good thing.

i hope the sketch we did won't pop up on FB or something though. it was for the kids and the kids only! haha, i paiseh lah my improv very lousy.

sunday
was the second day! i didn't really have much to do other than hang around and be there with the kids and force them to bring home their trophies. i was quite tired out by the end of it but i had no choice but to follow the van and company to lunch, because my ezlink was flat zilch. (revelation of motives for following van hah.) but it was nice, so no harm done. my nap could wait.

praise God for working amongst the kids. and for helping us workers too.

next up is the overnight thing for the teens. jake is starting work tomorrow so he'll be busier. will try to pitch in wherever possible. although i'm still quite mongy (blur) about the event.

i am like, hungry hungry.

Film.

Gerlynn took these pictures of me with her cool film camera a few weeks back, before i cut my hair. the first one was when i was excited about playing with her hair using my mini hair iron. and she went snap!

this was at her room window. it was genuinely sunny and i was squinting cos of the glare. heehee.

we went a'painting!

gerlynn's cookie jar

gerlynn's assorted jars.

my teacup to germaine.

my dreams of wearing a scarf and prancing around.

my london bus to gerlynn.

we met up after lunch and planted ourselves at SSC's kopitiam to paint for fun. all these are prints for cards, christmas or not. they'll each be in the middle of a white paper card as well. you can request added text if you want, like "season's greetings". email me if you want any. $2.00 each. i have orders already so exciting!

season's greetings designs that i scanned to print. they'll be indie and minimalistic. each drawing in the middle of a plain white card. $2.00 each. email me at little.chillipady@gmail.com if you want any. you can request added text to personalize.

oh man, come on. this is too pretty.

mommy went for a job interview today. i think it went well.

tomorrow sounds like it's gonna be a busy day. what with VBS coming so soon. i hope it's fun. :)

mama's tummy is unusually bloated today. she looks like a balloon. like humpty dumpty. really dunno what to expect with her.

gerlynn, tim and i were talking about studies over ya kun just now.

gerlynn: wah, you think your grandma will still be around by then?
aggie: you never know. i think she's an immortal lor.

i made a care package for gerlynn since she's feeling woozy. i love care packages. why doesnt anybody ever make care packages? i am going to make it a habit from now on, as much as possible.

i am covered in mosquito bites now that i'm sleeping in the study room. i sleep in the study now cos i hear every little sound my grandma makes and my sleep was very affected. i dunno why, my ears are tuned to her voice. i hear her every sigh and wake up. i hear her calling me even when she's not there. she has infiltrated my mind. lol.

friday

mama screamed and cried herself to sleep. i worked beside her and put up with her cussing. later the water purifier leaked, but thank God my rolled up portrait had a plastic bag underneath so it didn't soak. almost vomited my heart out when i saw the water all over the floor. i need the money that i'm gonna be paid for it big time.

friday night. i was trying hard not to snooze. and i was craving jam on toast.

saturday.
ah peks napping in the SSC kopitiam. i don't think they knew each other. the one in blue looked so peaceful. nice lunch with geil and jake and the two soccer boys. and i had lunch with the same bunch at the same place today too. T-T hah.

went to church slightly early for the VBS meeting on saturday after lunch and forced jake to play what i have named "qiang scrabble", for convenience's sake, with me! i have not played that game with him for the longest time. my passion (pfft) for it was revived at gerlynn's place the other day. :)


just as an update, my family and i have decided to look for a helper to come over for a few (3-4) hours in the day, monday to friday, to change her diapers and bathe her.

this has been a long run for me. and it's been for my betterment, i agree. now the time has come where i feel like i need to move on to something else. the bottomline, short and blunt is that i have had enough of staying home with my grandma all day most of the week, and i am feeling more than ever the tolls it is taking on me mentally.

it's strange that i'm saying this only now, being that my grandma is much more settled at night and the most tumultuous part of her stay has come and gone. so i guess you could call it a matter of timing. i have done my best being with her through the rough patches when she needed me most. and now i feel that i am done with staying home with her full time.

to be completely honest i feel very unhealthy now. especially in my mind. it's hard to explain, but the back and forth of emotion, being so angry but having nobody to blame, feeling so horribly towards my grandma and knowing that i shouldn't, feeling sad feeling, bad feeling, cooped up and all that jazz. i have a jaded, sick feeling inside me. i look at myself and wonder at how i have churned out almost every wicked thought there is to think.

that being said, i can't say i regret all that i've done over the past 5 months or so, or that it was a mistake to undertake the position of caretaker. i have grown by leaps and bounds and learned about so many practical things. it's simply time to move on.

voicing out about the development to my parents was extremely difficult. because i felt like i was the cause of major change, like i disrupted the tightly functioning eco-system in out household, in other words like i was a bad person. more than that, i had to verbalize many things that i wished i could keep hidden. it was hard. and i was very broken. but eventually they took it in a parently way. we discussed several options. and we're quite set on looking for a day-time caretaker, because that's more affordable than a maid or private nurse, both of which which we don't really need since my dad will still stay home. he's tied back here because he has to carry my grandma down and up our block to and fro from dialysis.

we're praying for a good person to come our way. hopefully a contact of a friend, or anybody for that matter, so long as she's trustworthy and kind and all. once that's in place i'll be able to find work. and after work everyday i'll come home and see mama and smile like how it should be. and i'll still take are of her in the evenings, and she'll still feel secure in our home with us.

i still want mama to get good care, even if it's not from me. and i think it'll work out this way. so we're waiting and asking around. maybe our plan will go through, or maybe it'll drag on and mama will pass before change takes place. i'm asking God for patience and to heal me where i feel broken up and from this will come growth instead of damage. you know how people say they've been broken or smashed into bits. i feel like i've been ground into a powder if that makes any sense at all. but i want God to build something better and stronger and more beautiful from it. i don't want to stay a powder forever.

anyway i've been thinking about how to blog this and here it is. warm thanks to everyone who has been behind us these past few months. thank you. :)

ice cream break, in good time.

geil's coming by for a visit later. if we have time i wanna grab a mcflurry. mcflurrys should be eaten with geil.

yesterday the last episode of 'welcome to the rail world' aired. it's sad that i didn't catch the first 4 episodes or so. encore ! and yesterday gerlynn witnessed my first time eating at pepper lunch. we had a good lunch together. and then we went to town to.. exercise. :)

i'm working on finishing the portrait i'm doing for aunty hwee ling.

i just changed some diapers and my fingernails smell like the powder in the gloves i used and it stinks. my fingernails stink.

the grandma is upset because i'm refusing to give her water or ice. she's already bloated with liquid down her legs and all. if i let her drink anymore she's going to have heart failure or something. so she's behind me crying. :|

this week has started off very difficult too. don't know what else to say.

i'm under the torture of the woman thing again. -wiggles brow- my tummy feels scrunched up and bloated at the same time! i'm in pain. :(

today my parents and i brought mama out for a walk at our AC-ed haven, SSC.

i've been so lazy to blog about the week. but here's a summary:

(last week) SATURDAY

after teens i headed over to gerlynn's for lunch. spent the rest of the day with her and germaine and tim and gerlynn's friend, jeremy, eating pizza, playing scrabble and watching movies. did the cake cutting ceremony, played more scrabble (the evolved version) and went home.

SUNDAY

was tough.

MONDAY

was tough.

TUESDAY

i cannot remember.

WEDNESDAY

mom took leave cos things were too haywire at home. i had time out with gerlynn who turned 20 that day! we had lunch at swensens and went to the hill near my place on a whim to paint. my void deck was fumigated so we were terrorized by hundreds of big fat red (?) roaches there. then on the hill we were attacked by a big brown butterfly. our adrenaline rush for the day.

THURSDAY

nua-ed at home cos of my girly pains. if you messed with me yesterday i would have just laser beamed your head off with my frown and glare.

TODAY

we brought mama out. she wanted to buy everything.

mama's quotes of the week:

"there are people who eat tigers, you know?"

"tiger ada orang makan, tau?"

"next month is christmas. but i can't go to church."

"lain bulan suda christmas, tapi gua tak boleh pergi church."

i felt so sad when she said she couldn't go to church.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GERLYNN!

it's only tuesday and the week already seems so draggy. this week started off tough. i'm having a very tough week.

the karaoke popo in our neighborhood is singing a new, old song. "chi chi pong pong, chi pong chi pong." it's very funny.

I woke up today with q major head-spin. No idea why, but the whole world was spinning and I started to get quite nauseous. Thought it was vertigo, which my mom used to have. But it wasn't that severe, so I didn't go to the docs. Took some meds after asking mommy for advice and gave in to the drowsy sideeffect for a couple of hours. The nausea is gone now but I feel like I'm floating.

Very nua day.

Mama was admitted to sgh yesterday afternoon for her hip pains and low bp. Dad says she'll be homes
Soon. Oh well.

(friday)

mama cried the whole night. plans for mommy to have her turn at church ruined. :( at 8+am i slumped onto the big bed and fell into some kind of a sleep.

mama's left hip is in pain for some unknown reason. but she's broken a bone there before, so maybe that has something to do with it. because of the pan she's not eating and she's really lethargic. gonna observe her for a bit more before deciding what to do. she hardly ate anything today. :(

i'm drawing again, because a very pleasant mom asked me to draw her kids. time flies when i draw, which is kind of nice.

warning: agnes' bare face displayed below. if you are squeamish, do not view. oh, your eyes darted down. too late i guess.

sad because i came back from a short walk to buy paper with a sudden sore throat! i blame the haze.

the haze plus the construction is giving me a headache.

printed photos on monday, which reminds me!

MONDAY:

timmy's birthday! gerlynn and i had a grand plan to back a cake and stuff but it all fell through due to our misaligned stars. kidding! due to a lack of place to bake. :(

anyway we still carried out the surprise. ger came by around 12 or 12:30 and hid at our corridor, waiting for tim to go downstairs to print pics like he said he wanted to, so that she could rush in and set up the cake and present and stuff. BUT our dear lazy bum didn't wanna go down in the end so i had to sneak her into my room and light the candles there. tim was in his room with headphones on so it wasn't very difficult to smuggle an entire person into the house without him noticing.

i screamed for tim from the dining area, holding the cake, gerlynn behind me. "TIM! COCKROACH! GET THE SPRAY!" my attempt to lure him out of the room. it did not work! he kept shouting back "WHERE! WHERE!" in the end he popped his head out, saw us, scrambled to put a shirt on, and came out to receive his surprise from frazzled us.

we had hor fun for lunch and cut the cake with mama later. and the sneakers we bought timmy fit! oh thank God, cos cannot change already.

gerlynn spent the rest of the day with us. we went on this quest to rent a movie or two but it all went very wrong and we came home empty handed. still, we passed the day somewhat happily at home, with good laughs and cozy meals.

after dinner and another cake cutting with mommy, we walked our guest out and said byebye.

:)

TUESDAY:

after sending mama for dialysis i fled to geil's place for impromptu lunch and play time. had piping hot spaghetti. geil played a game on her comp while i watched the last two episodes of a korean drama.. we split the screen half half, which i found so cute, cos she was doing her thing and i was doing my thing and we were just happily passing the boring afternoon away together. finally got to spend some time with her and hang out at her place like i used to ever so often a few months ago. thanks for allowing me to invade your territory again, alamons!


gerlynn is leaving for genting wednesday night BAWL! have fun there, even though you hafta study. and buy me a little something that screams aggie if you have the time! oh man i'm so thick skinned i'm asking for things.

Hahahahaahahah.

geil posted that...

timmy's birthday in advance! cozy and nice.

i got up early this morning to go down to town and get my braces tightened. i already postponed it a week for my SAT so i didn't really have much of a choice other than the morning slot. wanted to change it to tuesday so that i could go for teens, but it was a bit too last minute. dragged my drowsy pimply self there and got it done. my jaw is going to snap lor, now so tight.

came home for a befitting porridge lunch and sent mama down to wait for my uncle to bring her to dialysis. came back home, changed up (reluctantly cos of the sweltering heat) and left for the PERANAKAN PLAY! -woots- it was at the national library drama center.

okay, i dunno why i'm so on about it. i find it really cute. all the bibiks getting high and funky and bouncing around. the title was "pagar makan padi" which is an idiom meaning someone or something that seems reliable but turns out not to be. the plot was decent yet simple enough for the many 50+ audience members present to understand. the cast was alright, set up was nice, acting was great, and the humor was PERANAKAN! which made it so unique and exclusive and relatable to me and mommy, who thoroughly enjoyed herself btw. but it's a shame i couldn't get any footage or pics cos the ushers were really on guard, out to catch anyone who attempted to do so.

the audience was almost as funny as the play because of the measure of their engrossed state. the bibiks were so into it lor, something funny would happen and they would roar or.. cluck violently with laughter. or an important scene would take place and the whole theater would start muttering about their theories about what would happen next. so cute!

there was even an autograph and phototaking session after the play. they tried haggling me to become a member and appreciate my roots, me being young and all.

anyway, after it ended, my aunt, cousin, mom and i went for tea around the area. cheese fondue! came home around 6 and felt really drowsy, but went downstairs to have dinner with mama and the bunch before wheeling her home from dialysis. what a nice saturday afternoon and evening. :)

daddy has a medical appointment today in the morning so i'm on duty as soon as mama wakes up. (usually daddy helps me with the morning, like breakfast and medicine and all, cos i'm busy catching up on sleep.) last night mama cried until 3am. was frustrated out of my wits thinking about this morning and having to wake up to her cries and settle her food. but thank God it turns out she's decided to sleep in today, which is quite unlike her. she's still snoozing now, hugging her little bolster. the chinese funeral is booming downstairs (grr.) but it worries her none because of her wonderful deafness. :)

but i expect she'll wake up soon. she'll either get hungry or poop. she's already starting to stir.

yesterday gerlynn knew i was stuck at home with granny, so she offered to come over and hang out for a while since she didn't have school too. i was having a really bad morning so she witnessed my puffy cry-eyes and helped me feel all better by serving me mcdonalds apple pie. apple pie is a happy food.

"it's lunch time! how can you not eat?! arent you hungry?!"

"i ate sadness. =("

"aiyoh!"

we came back and watched a movie and talked and then she accompanied me to the hair salon to-- CHOP OFF MY HAIR. yes, i bid my locks farewell on monday. it's not extremely short, but a considerable bunch of hair is gone. gerlynn was patient and kind and waited for a long time. tanks! i have good friends who longsufferingly accompany me at hair salons. geil was with me when i permed my hair last year, whopping 4 hours. should award her a medal for that.

after i got my haircut i walked her to the mrt station and we said our byes. before that we saw tim crossing the road some distance away, coming home from camp. i jumped up and down and waved both hands high in the air while crossing and he completely ignored me and shook his head. gerlynn renounced our friendship too.

mommy's on MC for a bad skin problem until weds, btw.

today i got up and helped mom with mama's dialysis prep. after sending her off, i left for boiling bishan. well, technically the whole of singapore is boiling these days. we were supposed to watch a movie in 3D but the disk or the player was wonky so we gave up and watched the non-3D version. bummer. talked and nua-ed for a while and left very punctually for home, to carry the wheelchair down from the 6th floor when mama came back.

i have just gotten my dose of henry golding's sculpture-like face and charismatic accent. i'm happy. the episode was about melaka so mama paid special attention and continuously gave a commentary on the footage, since it's her hometown. she was delighted to see the peranakan house and the guy in the kebaya, although she didn't know he was a guy. it just occured to me that peranakans have drag queens too. ew.

i'm gonna bathe now. today was nice.

i sat for the SAT yesterday!

sigh.

hoping for average scores.

it was okay. my essay was short and sweet. i only managed to do a two minute outline and fill up one good page in the 25 mins. no idea how people filled up two pages, unless they're really smart or they wrote nonsense. sentence completion was alright, passage based reading was difficult when the passage was very chim, identifying sentence errors was alright, improving paragraphs was alright. maths was another story, i omitted alot of answers.

:(

i couldn't sleep the night before due to hay wire bio clock. slept around 3. woke up at 6, ate alot, and left for AJC. while walking there i saw many many people obviously there for the same reason as me evinced by the fat SAT books they were holding. alot of them had parents accompanying them, the chinese ones were nagging, the ang mo ones were encouraging. what an insight into culture differences.

i went to the staff room and they told me to look at the board for seating arrangements. squeezed through the many foreigners, found my name, and went up to my designated lecture hall. while waiting outside i met a girl named rha. i examined her friendliness level and she seemed really friendly, so i asked her,

"SAT?"

"yeah. is this your first time?" she replied with a bright smile.

"yep. you?"

"yes."

so i made a friend. everyone else was stuffing their faces in their notes and chanting things to themselves, while we chatted away about ourselves and our future schooling plans and how we were the only ones not stuffing and chanting like everyone else and how bad that made us look. rha is from a small town in india and she studies and stays at UWC. smart. she seemed to be the only down-to-earth person there. everyone else was downright dao, they give you the full body check (look from top to bottom then back to top again, you know?) then half roll their eyes and whisper to their whoever. most of them were bigshots with accents, some had their parents carrying their books for them. nice. but i had my rha and all that didn't matter, hahahahaha. thank God for a friend.

the testing was from 8am - 12:40pm. said bye to rha at the mrt station and made some calls, then headed over to j8 to buy lunch and hang out with the ger sisters at their place and unwind. went to town to buy some stuff, and met up with timmy for dinner at astons. by 7 i was pretty zonked out so i decided to go home.

last night i lay awake for hours again. my body was so tired but i just couldn't fall asleep. was so frustrated with this problem of not being able to sleep. got up to drink warm milk and cried cos i knew i'd be too tired to go to church today. feel so dysfunctional. this morning daddy woke me up and my head felt swollen, like it was going to explode, so i just went back to sleep. i feel better now, but my back and neck are still aching and i want to chop off my hair because my head feels so heavy.

THANKS TO GEIL FOR THE MANGOES AND S. GEMMA FOR THE WINTER MELON CAKE AND ISA FOR THE KOREAN NOODLES! tim just delivered them to me. hah. :)

in the midst of mama's craziness last night i really couldn't help but smile at some things she said. she was crying about her itch and draggy life, how she wanted to die and how much she hated mites. so i got up to apply some creams. i rubbed her hands and patted them three times in beat to nothing really. just rub rub rub, pat pat pat to comfort her if possible.

"what are you patting?" she kept asking. but it was dark and she wouldn't see what i said if i said anything so i didn't. i just nodded and patted her again, half asleep.

"are you singing? mama, mama dunno how to sing. mama only know the God song. you know? that one. how.. da.. dada da..." and she started humming silent night holy night again. i found it pretty funny. that was nice.

and she spontaneously blurted out "thank you ah!" while i was walking out.

on monday, i was squatting down and sponging her on my ridiculously low bed. she's weak so she kept leaning forward. i paused and looked at her face so close to mine and made a funny shocked face. she laughed. and suddenly she started saying..

"mama isn't afraid of death, you know? i'm not! what's there to be scared of? when someone's time comes, he has to go. it's like that. when i die put some flowers at my grave can already."

it's a sad bunch of words, but she said it so randomly and lightheartedly right in my face i didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

these past couple of weeks have been somewhat of a roller coaster ride. the past four months lah, but i can only vividly remember the more recent weeks, so.

i know that people are kinda wondering why we're putting ourselves through all this mama drama instead of stuffing her back in a home, or hiring a maid. so i've been trying to be less expressive about it here. but i'll just say, for accuracy's sake since this blog is about me, that i'm really stretched with caring for mama and i'm stressed about the SAT and my uni plans. i'm conflicted within myself everyday because i feel so tied down.

mama is back home, meaning i have to go back to taking care of her day and night. she's back with more meds to take, more creams to apply, and the same old fiery attitude.

it comes to a point where i seem to be a horrible person, because i'm not explicitly saying that i want her to die, but i'm not hoping for her to live long either. she will never be well or get better. when i am stressed to the max i cannot help but openly admit that the end would be relief for both me and mama. it's sad and it's bad, but isn't it true? i know, truths like that are better left unsaid. what a horrible thing to say.

and there goes my attempt to be less expressive. hahah.

Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?

Psalms 56:8

geil, read about your canceled flight! :( hope you feel better soon, cheering for you and the upcoming zams okay?

blocked nose, heavy head, feverish. wonky day.

dad went to see mama today and apparently her skin isn't looking good. :( will see her tomorrow if i'm better.

rain, rain, go away.

i was running a fever last night, so the grand plan to spend today with gerlynn at home didn't really go through. but i still met up with her for lunch today cos the fever went away leaving me with only a sore throat, so i was just sniffy and haggard looking with no make up and baggy clothes. she passed me a korean drama to watch while recovering, aw cute! cozy astons, starbucks, and home. it is so relaxing drinking hot coffee and watching it rain. using the moderately heavy rain as reason, we stayed at starbucks for a long time and talked about the gravity of life as we know it. (lol)

and tim looks fine. he's not flat on his bed. he's walking around like nobody's business carrying on with life... as we know it. hahahaha i just like the ring of that phrase.

germaine's due for discharge on weds, yay! mama, i dunno yet.