blocked nose, heavy head, feverish. wonky day.

dad went to see mama today and apparently her skin isn't looking good. :( will see her tomorrow if i'm better.

rain, rain, go away.

i was running a fever last night, so the grand plan to spend today with gerlynn at home didn't really go through. but i still met up with her for lunch today cos the fever went away leaving me with only a sore throat, so i was just sniffy and haggard looking with no make up and baggy clothes. she passed me a korean drama to watch while recovering, aw cute! cozy astons, starbucks, and home. it is so relaxing drinking hot coffee and watching it rain. using the moderately heavy rain as reason, we stayed at starbucks for a long time and talked about the gravity of life as we know it. (lol)

and tim looks fine. he's not flat on his bed. he's walking around like nobody's business carrying on with life... as we know it. hahahaha i just like the ring of that phrase.

germaine's due for discharge on weds, yay! mama, i dunno yet.

saturday: teens club in the morning where i looked very haggard and puffy eyed cos i got scolded by my parents and i felt like hacking down a tree or breaking pencils. made a quick stop home after that to change up and curl my hair and ran out quickly to grab some sushi for lunch and meet up with gerlynn for tea and talk. walked and walked, had nice fun. we were completely petrified and freaked out when we encountered some psychos along orchard road. like protesters, but more like proclaimers. it's too obscene to elaborate on, maybe (hopefully) soon a news article or something will come out explaining what it was all about. went home at 9.

today: church, then rushed to hospital to squeeze into the visiting hours (which are just stressful and troublesome to adhere to.) bought polar pies and milo for my lunch, then bought waffles for my desert and for miss gerlynn chan to make her happy. germaine was pretty down and out, but we couldn't really do anything about it. in summary we explored he hospital, waited for their mom and roy to come, and left for dinner when they came. then my dad called and told me that i really didn't need to go see mama since they're there, and that i should go home and relax. so we called tim out and had dinner at NP. walked around a bit and went home. the dvd shop at NP is laozay.

i fell dramatically while running up the escalator at TTSH and i have holes in my pretty white legs. the puncture marks are inflamed lor. so embarrassing i think i flashed my butt to everyone below me cos i was wearing my blue flower dress. AIYOH HOW TO LIVE ON?!

tim has to have 4 wisdom teeth yanked out tomorrow. that's just scary. i had IBS the whole morning when i had to pluck 2 out for braces. he has to undergo GA for this lah. hope all goes well.

GEIL HOW ARE YOU DOING THERE FAR AWAY? IS IT FUN?

mama's skin condition is most likely scabies! which is a mite thing. which explains why we all have hives and an itch nowadays. so she's moved to an isolation ward. pros are that it's nice and has more space and tables and chairs and a personal toilet. a con is that mama is scared of being alone. plus she cannot press the call bell.

before she was isolated, her neighboring patient told me that she cries in the night something like what she does at home but not marinated in evil speech. poor thing.

having trouble sleeping. i lie on my mat until 2 or 3 am before i get drowsy. readjusting bio clock.

now i look at everything in the house and imagine mites crawling all over them. haiyoh!

my parents sent mama to SGH this morning after a very tiresome night of hearing her screams and cries. i attended to her throughout the night so they didn't want me to go with them. i really had a workout last night, lifting her and repositioning her umpteen times.

she's at hospital to manage her deteriorating condition, namely her skin and panicked state. she's really out of it now. hopefully the medication and stuff will help her be more comfy and that will translate into better behavior. these past few nights have been really really noisy. her recent scream-phrases are "YOU ARE STARVING ME WHY DON'T YOU FEED ME DINNER BAD PEOPLE!", "MY PANTS ARE DROPPING OFF!", "I WANT TO MOVE OUT OF HERE THIS PLACE IS BAD!", "MAMA IS FALLING DOWN!", a variety of curses, and "OH GOD!!!!" in 4 different terminologies.

throughout the night i was calm and collected and keeping it together well, but in the morning my dad and i got into a little something and i completely melted. heart thrown in woodchipper feeling. i was really angry and i cried for a long long time. met gerlynn for ya kun later in the day and she saw me in all my goldfish state. -sigh-

"are you very sad?"
"drained."
=(
=(

after ya kun re-energization we went to SGH to see mama. thanks for going to see her gerlynn. :)

and i'm so sad to say GOODBYE GEIL! have an awesome trip! hope you feel better soon too. PICTURES! :D

MONDAY
missed church again last sunday cos i had to stay up with screaming mama the whole night. mom had to stay home too, to take care of her in the morning while i was flat dead. mom needs to go to church, man.

germaine, my friend who's ill, seems to be doing slightly better but she's still in hospital getting treatment. been going to see her these past two days. hope she's comfy and recovers quickly. jiayou, germaine!

gerlynn's been nice enough to come over too. she even helped me out a little with grandma today, pushed her wheelchair and fed her keropok! how nice.

oh, my guppies got a free tank. someone threw away a perfectly good tank on the third floor, and my parents promptly took it back home being the resourceful people they are. and BING, we have a pretty little fish tank full of baby guppies and one grand momma guppy. -beams-

looking forward to tao hway break with geil tomorrow before she LEAVES FOR ALMOST 2 WEEKS FOR THE FUN PHILIPPINES. so sad i can't go with her, so i hope she has fun on my behalf too. have a safe trip missy! hopefully there got KBS... hah. hoi hoi! (i saw the scene eeeeep too sweet already!)

the week has finally passed. not that i wanted it to pass quickly in particular, but it just seemed a little draggy.

there's a good dose of mama drama every day, what with end stage renal failure combined with old age. she's neither here nor there, not dead but not exactly alive. hospice care is no joke. especially when you love the person who is dying. it's different, being a nurse and being a granddaughter.

it gets worse when we (family) can't keep it together and start turning on each other. snapping about things and finding faults. i was extremely upset today, but thank God things.. became alright.

i've been praying a lot more lately. it seems to be the only thing i can do sometimes.

a friend of mine is sick and i'm really worried about her. =( sending love her way.

mama days.

these were taken some weeks back. see bran sleeping oh her bed? funny bunny.

listening to dondang sayang. she couldn't really hear and she got bored.

yesterday evening. our secret little project.

Till Death Do Us Part

It seems with age and illness,

Your mind is not that fine.

You don't believe the things I say

Or understand my mimes.

The world is silent, yet fast-paced.

Of days you can't keep track.

You ask for all my kindness,

Yet you offer nothing back.

We have to bend to your desires.

You tantrum like a child.

To you it seems ridiculous

To have to wait a while.

Every single thing I do

Is under scrutiny,

Tinted by your fuzzy mind

And what you wish to be.

It's hard to keep on wanting

For you to live on strong

When living means I go through this

All day and all night long.

I know your days are numbered.

You're running out of time.

I know you're sick and suffering,

And in that there's no crime.

To care for you is difficult;

It's challenging in short.

And I admit, at times I feel

Unwillingness of sorts.

But when you came I made a promise

Deep within my heart,

That come what may, I'll bite the bullet;

Till death do us part.

It sounds like something soulmates

Who are marrying should say,

But God made me for you,

And you for me just the same way.

So far I have been getting by,

Continue to I shall.

Somehow find the compassion,

And love you like my own child.

And when you sing your swan song,

When you hum your final tune,

Silent night, Holy night,

I'll be singing it with you.

wrote that quite a few days back. mama's all crazy again so, i find myself reading it again. trying to keep the focus so the day is not such a dread.

tomorrow she has an appointment to remove her cast at KTPH in the morning. so i'll probably drag myself there too.

i wanna apologize to all ABC people about forgetting to clean the building, me and my family. really sorry and really feel bad about it. :(

today was nice.

had teens club where i was obviously fidgitive (so bad i know sorry) towards the end because i was late meeting ger. didn't know it would be longer than usual and i had to keep pushing the meeting time back and i hate making people wait so i got all nervy.

lunched with gerlynn and germaine. then went round looking at art stuff and toys and stationary. i finally bought my fixative spray for my pastel and pencil works. :) pleased.

we stopped abruptly at prologue and slumped down in a cozy corner cos we were tired, like little girls who've walked a long while. i left around 7 i think.

the chan sistars are excellent company. gimme more tours ples. :D

oh no i wasn't supposed to mention the gift. just read the P.S. part. :| sorry!

since mama's been in such a lovely mood, we brought her out to aston's for dinner straight after dialysis. it was really sweet, feeding her, seeing her laugh, listening to her interpretation of the scenes. after dinner we walked around in daiso for a while. bought the caramel corn snack thing and mama's hooked. had to come home after a short while cos her butt hurt from sitting for so long.


mama completely puked while she was eating her meds back home. so we changed her bedsheet and washed her up. she lay down on the bed and looked at us as we watched tv in the living room. then she called me to ask for langsat. and then she called me to ask me to play cards with her.

we bought poker cards for her a while back to play memory game-ish games with her. they're the only kind of cards she can process. she matches the numbers to make ten, it's so good for her brain. i was quite surprised when she requested we play cos she seemed to have completely forgotten about the cards. so i played with her, let her cheat. she gets so happy with herself when she matches the cards and i praise her. it's so good to be having fun with her again. i love hearing her chuckle to herself.

i'm savoring the good times now. trying not to take for granted that she'll always be this pleasant. whatever God sees fit to give.

last night mama was quiet the whole night through. just like the night before. that's two nights in a row.

on monday night, mama was crazy, screaming and shouting for anyone to go to her and you know, sit her up lie her down do 1000 things for her. but we tried a new approach by not responding to her unless she was in danger, like if she was falling or hurting herself. i told her very clearly, "it's sleeping time. everybody is going to sleep. you also have to sleep." she wouldn't take that. she got so loud i was expecting the police to come due to complaints anytime, but they didn't thankfully. sat up until the wee hours watching her from the sofa, making sure she wasn't falling and her position was okay. she kept it up until around 3am, by which time she had very little voice and she was very tired from kicking and wiggling.

tuesday night we were all bracing ourselves for another round, planning to stick to the method. but she was quiet as a mouse, as i said in my previous post. it was shocking how well she slept. on wednesday her mood was fantastic. it's almost like she became a different person. her mind was still all over the place, but all the world was generally more pleasant to her and she would do things according to your schedule. she wouldn't mind waiting. she was smiley and laughed alot. she was suddenly concerned about whether i had eaten, and most of all, she loved the bun of hair i made on my head. "turn around... pretty!" she kept telling me. and so i kept showing it to her. nonyas will be nonyas. within a day her skin had changed and deteriorated so much it scared me. when i sponged her that day i saw huge patches of pocky itchy things on her back, her thighs. asked mom over dinner if she'd seen them the night before when she sponged her and she said no. it was an overnight thing. the glare in her eyes is different. her smell is different. and she bled alot in her stool that day. it's like watching a human break down before your eyes, day by day.

wednesday night was great too, she kept quiet all night. at around 2am i heard her groaning a little cos her arm hurt. so i went to position her more comfortably. sayanged her and told her it was time to sleep. she told me very cutely, "mama can't sleep. mama will pray. pray to Jesus." and that just filled my heart with joy. i lay on my mat and thanked God for a moment like that when everything seems somewhat worth it. i didn't wanna cry cos i didn't wanna be dramatic about it all, but then i heard her singing what she calls the "church song" which is silent night holy night. i tell you i dowan to cry also cannot lor. was sobbing my eyes out, in a good way.

maybe the method worked. or maybe God decided it's time for a little break. maybe He used the method to give us a break. :) anyhow, these past few days have been a great breather. mama is so lovable this way.

i tried to tell her that the survivor guppy gave birth, but she misread my miming it as i ate a fish and had diarrhea. pretty hilarious.

ag: mama mama! the FISH gave BIRTH!

mama: tsk tsk... cannot. some fish, you cannot eat. you eat already, get diarrhea!

ag: huh? no mama. fish. branak.

mama: yalah. eat fish. berak!

ag: . . .

been dining with ger and timmy these past few evenings. feel bad cos mom had to come home from work and trudge on with bathing mama and stuff. anyway i'll stay home and make up for it for the rest of the week. seriously after a long day of the house's four walls and screaming old lady, going out and having a good laugh is :)))))

mama was really sleepy last night. from 12 onwards she slept like a baby. maybe waking up to flinch occasionally but she fell right back asleep very easily. but then, i slept in the day, and i'm wired to stay up at night now, so i was the one trying to sleep. got up at 1 to eat toast and drink milo. fell asleep dunno what time. was super frustrated, a perfectly good quiet night and i couldn't fall asleep. SO WASTED.

OH this is fantastic lah. you know the guppies in my previous post? well there were three and two died, leaving one. her name is yellow cos her tail is a very pretty yellow. i know, how childish naming a fish. anyway, she was the biggest fattest one and how do i know she's a she? SHE GAVE BIRTH! like continuously overnight. last night there were three babies, then five, now like twenty! and i was really sad that the original two died so i find this completely miraculous and COOL! like God knew how happy they made me and so He gave me a bunch for free. baby ones at that. they're really tiny. they look like..... tiny. hope they don't die.

daddy is so practical. i was all wahhh woahhh and the first thing he said to me was "now we need a bigger tank." daddy is daddy.

ag: do guppies lay eggs or give birth?
dad: give birth!
ag: huh. like..... boo~op! come out?
dad: ya.

oooooh ear aching with mama's crying. she's so restless she can't stay seated or lying down for 5 minutes straight. tempted to just leave her in the room to tire herself out but i wanna use my comp so she's shouting at my back.

passed the shift to dad at 3am last night cos couldn't tahan. had to wake up at 8 plus cos she was crying so loud. really difficult taking care of someone with no concept of consideration. you can be right in front of her dying and she would still only think of herself. anyway she wails and shouts night and day especially when she cannot get what she wants. and there is no way of reasoning with her. and she thinks we're evil people and this house is a lousy place to live in. buuuut of course i know her mind is wonky and she's all uncomfortable so it's not her fault.

frankly lah, it seems such a problem solver to stuff her in an old folks home. but then why did we take her out in the first place right? to some extent it's a good thing i didn't know what i was in for in the beginning. if i knew she would be this way i confirm wouldn't have wanted so firmly for her to come live here.

aiyoh.

mama has completely lost it. she talks nonsense and cannot remember things. i heard that she kept asking for sweets like a child today, and she cried so hard she started calling for her mom. tim was tending to her when i got back. came home to a tired family.

i'm gonna stay up tonight with her. she's completely different now, in the way she cries and speaks. she's still demanding and fussy though. seems to be a step closer to "the end" which she has been fighting. doing the thousand turns ritual. finding determination in the fact that what goes up must come down, she'll tire out eventually in the morning. like joining a super long queue. if you give up you would have completely wasted your time.

i was so rushed and tired today that i couldn't be bothered to put on any make up. i was so tired. felt like sleeping in the church toilet in the mini tub.

i'm actually typing in between mama's unending requests to sit up and turn and be lifted up etc now. and i'm really groggy. maybe i should blog another time.

"nua" day.

woke up, ate half a bao, and took the van to church. having major girl cramps yesterday and today so i brought a bunch of meds along. i thought i was gonna faint yesterday, was really painful.

had lunch with geil at ion and went for our braces appointment half an hour early. then we went straight home cos we were so zombied out. i slept while standing in the train, and my knees kept buckling, to my embarrassment. reached home, watched the last part of cinderella man (which i missed last time ch5 showed it) and took a good nap on the comfy bed. :) FINALLY.

thank God that a really difficult week has passed. although there's no guarantee that next week will not be the same if not worse, it's just nice to have the weekends where at least the family is home.

i'm gonna think of icebreaker stuff now.

mama fell from the bed yesterday night at around 3 or 4am. heard a thump and rushed in to find her on the floor face down, hands squashed in front of her chest like she was going to do push ups. shouted for mom and dad and sat her up hugging her from behind so she wouldn't be scared.

this morning her right and only mobile arm couldn't move.. was really painful. i was already expecting something to crop up as a result of the fall so i was not the least surprised. did a full body check while bathing her. thank God her hip and thighs and stuff are fine. for once i'll say.. thank God my bed is so low. it breaks my back but it won't break no major bones if someone falls from it. she was in a really bad mood the whole day. angry at the whole world, being very snappy and disgruntled. she refused to let me sling her arm and she was having a hard time pooing, so i was dying the entire morning. anyway she left for dialysis and she's back now. mom forced her to splint her arm up. we'll see if it gets better by tomorrow. status: observation.

this is how is totally made use of my few hours of freedom...

sort of rushed to HLC to talk about the kindergarten design thing. i need to discuss more. with more mama drama now i really feel stretched. i hardly sleep and my days revolve around diapers, poo, feeding, bathing, her hunger and crying and tantrums and all that jazz. i'm quite maxed out. my preview of parenting.

went to NP to buy papers for tim lim's birthday card. yalor so VIP. :) stoned for a while at the jap foodcourt all alonely. came home and made the card and passed it to him since he works (really) near my place. chit chatted for a while and went back home to wash up and meet gerlynn for dinner.

met her and realized i forgot to help tim bring his mac for him. we were supposed to meet him for dinner too. walked back with her, got the stuff, chit chatted over cold water, and left for NP again. in the end tim was a no show cos stuff cropped up at camp. he's like stuck there until NOW. some serious stuff. :( spent the evening with her eating and chilling and talking about the meaning of life. it is a vast topic.

came home to wailing mama and tired parents. mama hates her splint. she's mad about her being forced to wear it now, crying and asking me to take it off over and over again. she suddenly got distracted by bran so she was like, "ehhh ehhhh ehhhhhhhh ehhhhhh (crying) ehhh ehhhh, eh? van! why you sleep there?? =)))) so shiok ah? ehhhhh ehhhhhh...." mom and i find it strange when she can stop her dramatic crying at will and be perky and completely fine and then go back to crying again.

she's pleading with me to take it off. but i can't. =( no sleep tonight. i decided to force myself to stay awake the whole day and now i'm feeling the 'effect'. boohoo.

mama is still sucking the energy out of me. this week has been pretty bad. yesterday mom and i went on a search for things to occupy mama. came back with some puzzles and three guppies! they seem to entertain her and give her stuff to talk about instead of cry. but today one died. hope the other two won't follow suit.

bran is a jealous spoiled brat who will not like any other living thing that we bring back. he used to hate my three turtles, didi, meimei and B.E. when i had them back in the day. and he hated charlie the rescued turtle. now he hates the fish. he climbs up to see them and starts scratching at the table their tank is on. so mama is now guardian of the guppies. she takes it quite seriously. i told her to call for me if bran gets naughty. she screams for me and wiggles around trying to make bran stop when he does that and it's oh so funny. she even asked me to tie bran to a stool last night cos she was afraid he'd topple the tank at night. so the guppies were a good idea to occupy her. and i'm kinda counting on them not to die.

mama is obsessed with fried noodles and teh tarik and langsat, the fruit. so if you wanna come by and bring anything, bring langsat. she makes us buy it everyday. it's like her immortality fruit.

oh, yesterday i was counting and i have changed about 180 diapers thus far. never thought i'd have been able to do that. THANK GOD. can never get used to the smell, though. i still wear a mask and even spray perfume on it. strong stuff.

if everything goes through, i'll sort of have an interior design kind of project to do for HLC's newly registered kindergarten, but it's still at see-how status.

mama "goes stunt" with the days of the week. she'll say.. today is tuesday, so tomorrow will be monday. lol.

what a long post.