Great

I had a very bad night. And now I'm having a horrible day. I got shouted at so now I hide in my secret place until my bitterness subsides.

ROOM

so today i set out to rearrange all the furniture in my room. i moved my bed, drawer, desk, and bookshelf all by my frail female self.

i'm left with an achey body now.

my dad says he'll get the paint tomorrow. after the painting is done, all i need to do is to fix up the cork boards, get some frames for my art, buy a floor lamp, and voila. done.

i inhaled so much dust from sorting out my art shelf today, i have giant boogers now.

i started my room redecoration. it is tedious, tedious work. very dusty and dirty, i'm amazed at the amount of gunk i harvest in my sleeping abode. how disgusting.

next thing to do is to paint. white. yes.

Of hers and all pertaining
I can't but reminisce;
The memories of Mary
The awful and the blessed.

i need me a moleskin quick.

Germaine

today we, consisting of jeremy, gerlynn, germaine, and myself, were up and about spending the day in celebration of germaine's birthday.

present opening ceremony and cake cutting at jeremy's,

lunch at bras basar,

the king's speech at great world city.

i liked today. :) happy birthday, germaine! no doubt in great advance, but still!

7:27

That one brief moment in the day when everything comes together picturesque-- the light, the breeze, and the swallows flying above; all at the same time. It has just passed. It was nice.

Movie night.

gerlynn, germaine, and jake came by just now. the wonder women cooked, and jake came to eat. tim came back and enjoyed our fantastic cooking a little later.

we were reluctant at first but thanks to the lack of a better movie, we watched toy story 3. it was surprisingly entertaining. we all laughed goofily like kids. embarrassing somewhat, but very enjoyable to be so relaxed and in similar company.

the jello we made earlier hadn't solidified enough so we scratched that and had fruits instead, easing my conscience from the vegetable-less meal we had prior. Strawberries, grapes, and conversations about almost anything. and then it was suddenly past 10pm and it was time for everyone to leave.

in between all that there was some grocery shopping, pride and prejudice, playing with bran, and other stuff which i cannot recall now, because i am so tired.

goodnight!

Dinner.

I'm on my way to dinner with my first loves right now. The parents I mean. I'm wearing sick clothes. Sick clothes comprise of a red paddington bear sweater and black three-quarters with black espadrilles and my hair in whatever state it chooses to be.

I am starved.

Proverbs

Proverbs 16:7 (KJV)
When a man's ways please the Lord , he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him.

Woozy.

I feel sick! That typical feverish feeling. Achey all round my head and body.

-Bawls-

bran is at the vet's right now. i bet he's freaking his fluffy tail out.

i slept in the train on the way home from town. the head-nodding and mouth-opening kind of sleep. utter embarrassment!

tim's meeting carol to discuss her wedding video stuff, and mom and dad are at the vet's with bran, leaving me completely alone at home. not even bran is around, how rare. no matter though; i don't mind at all.

i can't wait to redecorate my room. :)

gerlynn keeps urging me to blog. i must admit that the sight of "9:07" did bother me somewhat. but i didn't know what to write, and so i just-- didn't.

then again i recall writing a full length post on my phone during a lull in the funeral, only to press "post" and have the entire effort deleted thanks to a glitch in the blogging program. very nice. the post was entitled "white all around me" or something along those lines. i was quite pissed that the words that i had churned out of my tender heart so thoughtfully had poofed into nothingness. so that put paid to it.

now i pack my room, plan the rearrangements of furniture. i'm more or less decided on white for the walls, but then again i'm fickle when it comes to these sorts of things. give me a paint catalog and you can wait till kingdom come before i settle with one color. i want a floor lamp too, to do my reading before bed. and as i comply to change, or instigate it, i think it would be appropriate timing to blog, write, replace the previous post's position on the top of the page with something new.

i miss mama alot. i really do. i think about her often and i try not to cry. i don't plan to ignore my sadness or psych myself into being completely over her death. it is a sad thing, her passing. and although i have the knowledge that she is happy now, she has left me and there is a void. a person is gone. and what i've known of her is in the ground.

it's so strange to think of. mama in the ground. mama in heaven.

life is different now. almost to a drastic extent. we have so much free time on our hands, we can go out as a family, to church, to eat, for no reason at all. i no longer touch daipers or gloves or lotions or powders. there is no need for drapoline or barrier cream or the pounding of medication. her cup and bowl are left unused. no crying at the crack of dawn, no crying during the day, no crying at night. i sleep and eat and bathe and go out whenever i want to. i have a bed now, on which i am going to sleep for the first time tonight. i have a room, i change in my room, i use my mac, i write poems on my bed. i don't lay out a mattress in the study room at night, i don't plan my schedule around dialysis days. i don't run out of the shower in a towel, or get up from bed everytime i hear a cry. the space at the dining table where mama's wheelchair would once be is now occupied with a chair. the entire house smells different. a freedom has settled into the house. it's a freedom tied to a certain kind of sadness.

but i suppose this is all part and parcel of moving on. along with the strenuous lifestyle, the conflict and hopelessness i felt is all in hindsight now. retrospect. past. over.

it's been a week since mama died. apparently there is some tradition where we should visit the grave after this period. so we're going there in the morning, to see her little plot of land, think about her, thank God for her.

i really, really wonder what she's doing in heaven right now. it's a very curious thought, isn't it?

9:07

Mama opened her eyes for the final time, shut them, and drew her final breath. My parents were beside her. They were casually checking in on her when they noticed her opening her eyes.

I woke up to my mother's flurried call. "Timmy! Agnes. mama's gone."

I rushed to her and sat on the bed groggily, stroking her head. She was still warm. She looked the same. It seemed like she was still present, but her chest did not rise, her neck did not throb with pulse. And I knew that she was no longer with me.

Nine, ten, eleven. The hours whirled by. Now I'm sitting at my void deck watching the tent being set up.

Amends

My uncle popped by, family of four, to see mama two days ago. I heard some people-sounds at the door and as I squinted to focus on their silhouettes my eyes widened with delighted surprise. I recognized their faces in spite of the blinding afternoon sunshine coming in from behind them.

They'd never been here before. I had hardly seen them throughout my life thus far. Maybe only at hospital, when we bump into each other. Or when I was a tiny thing and family ties were not knotted up yet.

It was then that I saw something happen. It blessed my heart. It happened in a jiffy, seemingly insignificant. A small gesture, so common, not summoning second thought from the casual observer.

My uncle waltzed forward and shook my father's hand. Completely on his own accord. So naturally, as if he had been doing so all along. More than that, he looked into my father's eyes as he did so. He shook with hearty gusto and said, "Happy new year!" throwing in a nod and a hint of a grin.

Oh my, I thought. This is a phenomenon.

In the short time span it takes us to think these things, I pondered within myself on the spot about all the symbolism their handshake held. I imagined each of them tearing down their electric fences and looking at each other from across the border.

"Enough with all that," they seemed to say through their eyes. "Let's make amends."

Thank the Lord that things like these are happening. My gran would be so very pleased.

Co.

I was in good company today. Gerlynn came by and stayed for most of the day, and Shermaine visited after her in the evening.

Thanks, missies.

I was so bushed that I slumped down on my parents' bed and napped from 10 to 11:30 in preparation for my night shift. I only showered after I woke up. Ew myself.

Mama slept for a good chunk of the day. She awoke and cried just now but fell back into her peaceful sleep after a morphine dose.

Syrup morphine is orange. I'd never known.

Vigilant

Kopi o, garlic bread, instant tomato soup--

They accompany me as I accompany her tonight.

The first I favor the most.

Tasty.

Dried cranberries are so delicious and addictive. I like them five times better than raisins. But if dried grapes are called raisins, then what're dried cranberries called? It's not fair that they don't have a name of their own. Or maybe they do and I am just ignorant.

Many people came by to visit us and Mama today. It was very encouraging of them. Thank you, all.

Gerlynn stayed the longest. Carol is still here.

My gran is weaker. I'm so sorry but I don't know how else to describe her state. More puffy, less strength to cry? Mommy and Carol are praying for her now.

I bumped my head on a towel rack and it really hurts. Oh well.

I can't follow you into the valley,
But I'll be with you until you go.
Hold your hand, stroke your head, sing you secrets.
Say I love you, and hope that you know.

i'm struggling to stay awake until 4. my shift ends then.

mama was crying all evening up till 2, when i got my mom up to administer another dose of morphine. she fell asleep immediately after the drugs went down her feeding tube. i think she was tired out from crying and squirming.

i don't think she'll stay asleep for long though. you can see that she's restless.

she's running a fever due to infection. makes her face red. it's puffy too, because of all the water collecting inside her. so she is red and puffy, if you want a mental picture. red and puffy.

so many noteworthy things were said today but i cannot recall any to quote now.

thanks to all the people who visited her today and assured us of your support. we are grateful for your care.

i am packing on a noticeable amount of weight because i am constantly binging. i crave food even when i'm full. it's very strange, the intensity of it.

thank God that my gran is slightly less distressed than yesterday. thank God for morphine. thank God for good friends and relatives. thank God for the free ikea bed we found that's higher and more sturdy than the old one so our backs have it a little easier, for the room that's well stocked with diapers and an assortment of creams, for a wonderful hospice nurse who came by today, for subsidies, and of course for the strength and necessary during this time. in spite of the very morose air in this house, i can see God's caring provision everywhere. and i want to say now, as a reminder for myself too, that God is good to us.

the end is nigh, but not yet here.
and while i wait, i pray.


my grandma is in pain. she is crying and fidgeting in a restless, uncomfortable way. it eats into my mother. this isn't how we planned to watch her go. it hurts so much more than i expected.

i'm asking God to make her comfortable, painless, peaceful, for her last days here with us. i'm asking God very fervently. pray with me too, please. please pray.

i learned to feed her through the tube and turn her using a drawsheet today. i have to step it up again. my mother is vulnerable as a gaping wound now and she must not feel like she is bearing this alone.

my grandma is coming home in her little ambulance. right now, with mommy and daddy. we prepared the room for her new needs last night, after coming home from reunion dinner. i think i slept at 3.

i feel somewhat the same as when we received her back last june. rushing to stock and rearrange the room. not really sure of what to expect other than a task that is supposed to be monumentally challenging. it's like agreeing to skydive an hour before the actual thing.

you can't back out once you're free-falling in the air.

when i cautiously inquired my mom said it'll take about a week, two weeks tops. but who knows? amongst us mere mortals i mean.

i appreciate so very much everyone who is praying for us. i'm sorry if i haven't thanked you personally. thank you!

at around 1, gerlynn came by my place to see bran and watch pride and prejudice, but the plans we had finally gotten going were put to a very abrupt halt by a call. my aunt was crying on the phone telling me she was coming to pick me up to rush to hospital. she'd gotten a call from my uncle, whom the doctor had told to see my grandma immediately. apparently her BP was diving fast. it was time. it seemed to be time.

i glared at the table and agreed to go down hastily. i glared at gerlynn to signal that something was wrong. then i hung up and vomited out a string of words, the best explanation i could come up with at that point in time.

"i need to change. what to wear?!"
"anything!"

she helped me tidy our little mess while i changed into the most comfortable apparel i could grab. i found her in the kitchen washing her cup.

"what to do?!" i could only manage pre-school phrases.
"GO PACK YOUR BAG!"
"oh ya! my bag. i need a bag!"

when i caught my head and fixed it on right a little later, i called my dad. i called my brother. i answered a call from my mother. and i waited for the car, deliberating at the same time, whether i should have gerlynn come along or not. we decided that she'd come by later by train.

my dad came home in a hurry and took my aunt's car with her and me. i thought about the phrase bye bye and i teared up profusely in the car.

my mother and uncle's family were there when we arrived. tim came by shortly after. i cried alot. my grandma looked like she was barely there, and that poked skewers through my heart.

hours passed, and her BP rose a little. she was so weak but she was still hanging on, by a thread, by a strand from a thread. it is a very strong strand, because up till now it is still intact and she is still hanging on to it.

ger and sher scurried together to my rescue, or rather to my support. they were alright with just waiting downstairs so as to be closer to me, but they managed to come up in the end. they brought with them and their support: funny stories of how they got lost and entered through exits, sweets, chips, jackets, and lots of warm presence. thanks, girls.

BJ and family came by too. my gran showed the greatest response to BJ. she lit up and pointed at him when she saw him, and began groaning in complaint, probably about how lousy she was feeling. she used to always complain to him everytime she saw him. about getting old and how it stinks. since she could not articulate anymore she just groaned, for a long time.

tim left with my aunt and cousin, my uncle and family left, BJ and family left, and at around 7pm the girls and i left. my parents came home last, after seeing that my gran was somewhat stable and staying the night would not be wise.

when i got home matthias poi was in the dining area, playing the piano nonchalantly in his army uniform, tim by his side.

"BOO!" he greeted me. more cute than scary.

i was in all my unglam, ratty state. and i was sporting a headache from the long, odious train ride. i washed up, lay down on the sofa, and talked to gerlynn on the phone until it became almost diva-ishthat i was ignoring the guest and the brother. i decided to hang up and socialize a little with the boy boys. we chatted until he had to leave at 11 plus.

now i am tired. so sleep i shall.

"i dunno what to expect." i told roy over msn.

"the worst." he said plainly.

i will not fault him for speaking the truth. i hope mama is comfortable.