gerlynn keeps urging me to blog. i must admit that the sight of "9:07" did bother me somewhat. but i didn't know what to write, and so i just-- didn't.

then again i recall writing a full length post on my phone during a lull in the funeral, only to press "post" and have the entire effort deleted thanks to a glitch in the blogging program. very nice. the post was entitled "white all around me" or something along those lines. i was quite pissed that the words that i had churned out of my tender heart so thoughtfully had poofed into nothingness. so that put paid to it.

now i pack my room, plan the rearrangements of furniture. i'm more or less decided on white for the walls, but then again i'm fickle when it comes to these sorts of things. give me a paint catalog and you can wait till kingdom come before i settle with one color. i want a floor lamp too, to do my reading before bed. and as i comply to change, or instigate it, i think it would be appropriate timing to blog, write, replace the previous post's position on the top of the page with something new.

i miss mama alot. i really do. i think about her often and i try not to cry. i don't plan to ignore my sadness or psych myself into being completely over her death. it is a sad thing, her passing. and although i have the knowledge that she is happy now, she has left me and there is a void. a person is gone. and what i've known of her is in the ground.

it's so strange to think of. mama in the ground. mama in heaven.

life is different now. almost to a drastic extent. we have so much free time on our hands, we can go out as a family, to church, to eat, for no reason at all. i no longer touch daipers or gloves or lotions or powders. there is no need for drapoline or barrier cream or the pounding of medication. her cup and bowl are left unused. no crying at the crack of dawn, no crying during the day, no crying at night. i sleep and eat and bathe and go out whenever i want to. i have a bed now, on which i am going to sleep for the first time tonight. i have a room, i change in my room, i use my mac, i write poems on my bed. i don't lay out a mattress in the study room at night, i don't plan my schedule around dialysis days. i don't run out of the shower in a towel, or get up from bed everytime i hear a cry. the space at the dining table where mama's wheelchair would once be is now occupied with a chair. the entire house smells different. a freedom has settled into the house. it's a freedom tied to a certain kind of sadness.

but i suppose this is all part and parcel of moving on. along with the strenuous lifestyle, the conflict and hopelessness i felt is all in hindsight now. retrospect. past. over.

it's been a week since mama died. apparently there is some tradition where we should visit the grave after this period. so we're going there in the morning, to see her little plot of land, think about her, thank God for her.

i really, really wonder what she's doing in heaven right now. it's a very curious thought, isn't it?