yellow.

this is the plan. not one of my usual grand plans, no not at all. it's the farewell plan.

my grandma is now more responsive, having been taken off her anti-psychotic and pain medications. she can open her eyes and gaze at you, no doubt out of focus and for a very short time span. she can mumble inaudibly. she can feel and express her sensation of pain. that's how she is now. she is also unfit for dialysis if she comes home because she cannot take the traveling and long hours. the dialysis center will not treat her as well, because she is simply too frail.

because she can't go for dialysis at hougang if she comes home, we are hoping to have her stay at hospital until after chinese new year. reasons being, so that she can live through another CNY, and so that my uncle, who needs to go to ipoh, will not be away when she passes. in hospital she can be wheeled on her bed to dialysis, and they are well equipped for emergencies there. she can only have dialysis in hospital. she needs dialysis to live.

after CNY, we will receive her home. she will not go for dialysis anymore. what i call 'comfort treatment' will be administered to her by us and hospice people, and in about two or three weeks, i estimate, she will pass.

that's the farewell plan.

i have no idea if she will just give up ghost while in hospital or if she will miraculously be fit for hougang dialysis and return home to live out another stint here. or if things will go exactly as planned. i can't tell, i can't guess. i have no idea.

thanks to everyone for being the supports that you are, in your own ways. i am sure that if my gran, in her able body of time pass, knew who you were and how much you care, she would cook up a storm for you and say while hovering above her stove, "let me pay you back with a meal!" her tone would be feisty and peranakan as she was.

Sunday.

today seemed like a day that God planned specially and meticulously for gerlynn, and i believe that was the case indeed. it was such a happy day; one of the happiest in my life thus far, and i wasn't even the one getting baptized.

"the fact that your parents came made the day so much more amazing than if they hadn't!"

"ya! like five times better!" she chimed, as if it were measurable.

gerlynn's parents decided to attend her baptism. it sounds simple to the ear but it meant so much, i can hardly encapsulate the significance it held and feelings we had in words.

"ONE BIG FAT ANSWERED PRAYER!" i told jacob just now.

till now i am still brimming with thankfulness to God. gerlynn was willing to trust that God had His perfect timing, even if it wasn't now, for her parents to come and hear the Word and see how we're like. and for that submissiveness God gave her the boost she needed as she entered her membership.

hope.

and to our revelation we discovered that apparently, she had an army of people praying for her desire to realize. well, not an army. but a handful of very thoughtful people who knew how important it was to her. she appreciates every one of you, know that! :)

"SAY THANKS 2 GOD RIGHT NOW!" i wrote on my notes and shoved it to gerlynn, halfway during the sermon, when her parents waltzed in and we were shocked stupid. i hardly use numbers as replacements for words. it is tacky. but the situation called for extremely speedy writing so i made an exception.

i am so glad that her baptism day exceeded all expectation. i am so happy for her.

IT'S ONE IN THE MORNING.

GERLYNN IS GETTING DUNKED LATER TODAY.

YAY!

i'm talking to jake now. the match between the churches was such fun. i'm a screamer, i'm sorry! i can't help it. :D

the waterworks kind of started up while i was praying with geil at prayer meeting just now. i was cool and calm and held together until i began praying for my gran. then my voice wobbled and it seemed my face had a mind of its own. so i started to cry.

"haiyah when i start tearing up i cannot keep it in already. and my face crumples up!" i said in a very high pitched voice, after we finished praying.

"it's okayyyy! i understand!"

thanks geil. <3

"so you studied using an american syllabus?"

"yeah, i was homeschooled." gotta let the cat out of the bag sometime, i thought to myself.

"HOMESCHOOLED? oh. oh yeah you have the accent and everything." he said quickly. he spoke really quickly.

accent. what accent?!

i laughed at him and he laughed back.

"any prayer requests, sister agnes?"

"pray for my grandma, that she will not be in pain."

he paused for a very short moment to phrase his thoughts in a palatable manner.

"sometimes when you pray for God to take away pain, He might just do so by taking the person home." he said softly.

i held his eyes with mine, wide open, bright and unmoved. i nodded and blinked with a slight smile so as to say, yep, i know... and...?

"we must be specific when we pray." was his retort to my body language.

now i struggled to phrase my thought in a palatable way.

"we kind of, don't take that as a bad thing..." my eyes darted to my brother sitting in the corner. i was subconsciously hoping for some support, but received none.

"let's just pray for God's will to be done." my pastor concluded.

how heartless i must have sounded.

we managed to see mama last night, mommy and i. she was in dialysis when we got there, so we went or dinner first before going to the dialysis ward to see her.

she wasn't pleasant at all. she was cranky and feisty in all her weak state. somehow though, she still managed to muster up the voice to curse and the strength to grab my mother's hand and shake it violently in frustration. nothing appeased her discomfort. nomatter where you stroked or what you did to try and make her feel better, she would respond angrily and tell you to stop.

mommy said her behavior is due to her discomfort. she'd been in one attitude for a long time. and this was not home where she could be turned and adjusted whenever she wanted. on top of that her BP was low, her heart wasn't pumping well, her body was bloating up, her body hurt, and the dialysis was long and dreadful.

" when i'm uncomfortable i'm cranky too." mom said.

i settled with the thought that she was probably fed up with life. perfectly normal, i would think. and although going to the hospital and seeing her felt somewhat routine, my heart felt heavy when i saw her groaning and could do nothing to make her better.

" i was homeschooled." i said quickly with a neat little smile, looking into his eyes.

" wow, you're the first, real live one i've seen!" he replied, taking a step back as if to study my stature. he took two seconds from his business to be intrigued.

i tilted my head toward shermaine beside me. " first, real live one..." i mumbled to her. " like a zoo animal..."

well at least he did not have a reaction of disdain. this comes under the category of better reactions.

gonna visit mama later in the evening. daddy says she's not doing very well.

tim hates being in front of the camera.

the sermon this afternoon was on forgiveness, about how joseph forgave his brothers for the awful things they did and the evils that fell upon him because of their acts; and how we should forgive because Jesus has granted us forgiveness.

it is not a very human thing to do, forgiving.

after church i had lunch with timmy and jake.

for dinner, timmy bought me mee pok that just had too much chili in it. after eating i had myself a cup of ice cream immediately, leaving my stomach feeling full and funny.

and then jake told me that a bunch of them were dining at a coffeeshop near my place, BJ's family and some others. i brought bran down to see them and play with the kids. he was quite pleased with the impromptu outing, and all the attention from the squealing children.

for the record, i love night walks.

mama's been admitted to SGH again. she was re-scheduled to have dialysis on sunday instead of saturday because of chinese new year, but upon reaching she was deemed unable to go through with it because her blood pressure was too low. low BP is a common thing for her, due to various reasons. anyhow, she's there now and my parents, who went to settle her in, say she's weak but quite alright.

i don't know the details but mom mentioned something like suspected heart attack. i'm supposing everything is still unconfirmed.

studying our present state of mind regarding mama, i think we are jaded to some extent. and at the same time we are trying not to be too nonchalant. although she is tarrying on i know she is fading. the end just seems to be coming, but never here.

of course, the best and simplest mindset which is the bottom line, is that God has His timing for her. no need to think or fret. no need to be glad or sad prematurely.

"pray that she'll be comfy." i told gerlynn. "that's all that really matters."

for the first time in my life i have been watching a living person fade away, in my presence day after day. such gradual decline, slow and steady. her movement lessening, speech softening, thoughts fleeting, body shrinking. she's fading away. what a thought.

going by her track record, she might be back home soon, with a new flare to live. you never know.

God forgive me for the times i did not cherish her.

The leaves glow gold
In the steady sun;
I see a man
At water's edge,
Away from the current
Of the brook before
But chin deep
In his thoughts grave;
Of which I may never know
In which I may never be.
He wot not that I watch him
Basking as it were
Golden with the leaves.

after another torturous sleepless night, i left my bed bright and early to meet up with gerlynn. we were executing number something on our to do list-- shop at far east plaza.

being the chinese new year season and all, it seemed quite appropriate to do some serious shopping. which is exactly what we did.

i was so sleepy by the time i got home. almost died. figuratively speaking.

after a nap that was too short, i left for church with daddy. jake and geil didn't go. guess the week must've been exhausting. jiayou, my friendies!

i'm so excited that gerlynn is getting baptized end of this month. and i'm glad as well, that we are friends at this present point of our lives. i hope i get to witness the happy occasion in person. :)

we had kong bak pao for lunch, i just had to add. kong bak pao. what a ring it has.

i went to bed at 12 something last night. but i could not sleep.

so i got up to have a mug of hot soup at around 2, and to read myself to sleep, me being a lousy reader and all. but i could not sleep.

and i could not sleep.

and i could not sleep.

all the way until the newspaper boy came, and everyone started waking up to get to work. birds began chirping and vehicles zoomed down the road noisily. tim had his breakfast, hacking away at the butter like there is no tomorrow. mom did her hair and got ready. people were starting their new days and i hadn't even ended off my last.

i must say, the frustration of not being able to fall asleep is one of the most odious feelings on earth. i am sleepy, my eyelids heavy, but when i lie down and close them my mind darts awake in a monotone awareness. and i cannot seem to switch it off.

i hope to catch some zees later, before heading down to KTPH. i have to be there by 12:45, so there is still some time. little time, but some nonetheless.

hope your wednesday mornings are going better than mine.

"even LaTrobe rejected you?"

wow, nicely said.

i sent out my application while walking bran just now. he halted at the postbox, and looked at me to wish me all the best through his bulbous eyes.

hope you get in, jie jie!

i have a pressing urge to watch a french film called La Papillon. there was a time when i was obsessed with it after seeing only half of it on the telly. i never managed to find it and watch the first part. it was during my french phase, when paris was the place to go and french the elective of choice. the phase faded as i actually began learning the language. the french language is not to be trifled with. i barely finished the course, dragging it out longer than i was supposed to.

but in the shower just now the film came to mind. and the song that i once memorized. i watched the trailer again, and now i have to find the dvd.

pourquoi tu me prends par la main?
parce qu'avec toi je suis bien.

why do you hold my hand?
because with you i am happy.

my dog is refusing to eat. i can't seem to determine if he is not feeling well or if he is just being plain stubborn. when i ask him what's wrong, he gives me a look as if to say, "why do i have to eat the same thing day after day while you guys get to choose from your wonderful variety of human food?"

yes, one look from him can say a whole lot. he has huge eyes.

silly dog does not know that his food comes in different flavors too. or perhaps it all tastes the same and he does have reason to protest.

i, on the other hand, am starving. and i can hardly wait for lunch.

"In the fear of the LORD is strong confidence: and His children shall have a place of refuge."
Proverbs 14:26

speech therapy observation session on the 19th of january. -marks calendar-

gerlynn came by this morning, to spend some time with me and bran, and help me recover from my LaTrobe sadness.

i was sad, quite. not because i can't study overseas or at LaTrobe. solely because i can't study speech. but if you know me well enough, you'd know that i will take a day to be sad, maybe two. and afterward i'll kind of be fine.

being sad is only human. it's wallowing that's weakness.

anyhow, we walked bran around the neighborhood for about an hour, half of which was spent sitting around at a void deck because the poor dog looked as if he was about to keel over in cardiac arrest. throughout the entire walk he refused to poop or pee or drink water. no intake or output.

strange animal.

later, we dropped bran off at home, took a free (survivor mode) bus to SSC, ate cheap food, walked to our hearts' content and proceeded to NP. i bought some card-making stuff and walked home.

now the day is slowly darkening into night, as if it is fading away. how quickly it passes. we are completely at the mercy of time.

i have a million cards to make.

Ms Agnes LEE
Block ---, Yishun Street --, #-------
------
SINGAPORE


Dear Ms Agnes LEE,

I refer to your recent application for a place in the Undergraduate program at La Trobe University for 2011.

I regret to advise that your application was unsuccessful as you did not meet the entry requirements for the above-mentioned program.

Your application for admission into the Bachelor of Health Sciences and Master of Speech Pathology was unsuccessful due to your academic performance in previous studies not meeting the requirements for entry into this program.



Yours sincerely,


Liz Stinson
Director
La Trobe International

------------------------------------------------------------------------

i'm not meant to fly off to study! or so it seems.

so now i'll work on applying at NYP, occupational therapy. it now seems more logical why God put all this OT stuff in my way these recent months, perhaps to show me that this is the route i have to take, and spare me a period of aimlessness and lack of direction.

i can't really be sure though. until i get accepted or rejected, again.

i prayed for a year that i would get into LaTrobe, as i thought that was where i should go. there wasn't really any other favorable option at the time. but thank God that He presented me another option before he closed the australian door. He must know how fragile i am. as i write now, i recognize within myself how He cares for me as He leads me, through rejection and all.

"dear God, since i didn't get into LaTrobe, i take it that i'm supposed to stay here. please get me into NYP if that's what you want me to do. and if not then show me something else."

i wonder if i'll get into NYP.

my dear 9 year old puppy, bran, is going to go for regular walks from now on. just because dogs should have the right to walk. although bran here has never really considered himself to be a dog, which is partially our fault. we call him all sorts of things.

"chinese rabbit"
"sheep pig"
"alien dog"
"funny bunny"
"yoda"
"cutie boy"
"baby boy"
"BOI BOIIIII"

and the list goes on. note: chinese rabbit is not racist, just factual. when you pull up his ears he looks like-- a chinese rabbit.

he did just fine on his walk today, trotting along, behind instead of before me no doubt. his insistence to walk a step or two behind me makes things so difficult, because i wouldn't know if he pooped or peed unless i look back to check.

oh, fantastic. someone's doing drilling work in the room right behind this wall i'm facing. how helpful to my existing focus problems.

anyhow, other than the karang guni man and his horn, nothing really seemed to frazzle bran out. throughout the whole walk, however, bran was shivering and shaking like a big, white, fluffy pager. i attribute that to his excitement.

for the record, i love my dog.

this is one of the prettiest dresses on earth, my favorite in fact. i daresay my wedding dress will be something like this. provided i get married. provided i find the man. oh my...

When we were little young things,
We used to rule the world.
You the king, and i the queen;
A little boy and little girl.

Broomsticks were our horses,
Our castle was a tent.
You said that you would guard me
Nomatter where i went.

Three cheers for our kingdom.
Hurray, hurray, hurray!

my body was in turmoil sunday morning. thanks to my womanly woes. oh, womanly woes...

geil and celine were empathetic. jake just tread very carefully over the cause of my pain.

"the cramps." i explained.

"do you want charcoal pills?" he offered.

"no, i have them. why would i need charcoal pills anyway?"

"i don't know... how would i know? you said your stomach hurt."

"my womb hurts." i said, and then laughed at my choice of words.

he then offered me a seat. a more general kind of aid. :)

O give us homes built firm upon the Saviour,
Where Christ is Head, and Counsellor and Guide;
Where ev'ry child is taught His love and favor
And gives his heart to Christ, the crucified:
How sweet to know that tho' his footsteps waver
His faithful Lord is walking by his side!

O give us homes with godly fathers, mothers,
Who always place their hope and trust in Him;
Whose tender patience turmoil never bothers,
Whose calm and courage trouble cannot dim;
A home where each finds joy in serving others,
And love still shines, tho' days be dark and grim.

O give us homes where Christ is Lord and Master,
The Bible read, the precious hymns still sung;
Where prayer comes first in peace or in disaster,
And praise is natural speech to ev'ry tongue;
Where mountains move before a faith that's vaster,
And Christ sufficient is for old and young.

O Lord, our God, our homes are Thine forever!
We trust to Thee their problems, toil, and care;
Their bonds of love no enemy can sever
If Thou art always Lord and Master there:
Be Thou the center of our least endeavor:
Be Thou our Guest, our hearts and homes to share.

i want to have a family of my own in future, and we will make God the center of our home.

on a tuesday in one of the weeks passed, gerlynn and i finally went ice skating! we ambitiously met up for breakfast first thing in the morning. J8 mac. it was quite suffering because the air conditioning had not yet been switched on at the crowded eatery, and the both of us were wearing clothes fit for the cold. not very pleasant at all.

kallang leisure park is clearly visible from stadium mrt, but being the dummies we were, we had to walk a round of some sort before reaching the place. thankfully it was a small round.

the man renting out the skates came out from behind his counter, knelt down, tied up my skates for me and left gerlynn struggling on her own. it was pretty funny, and quite mean to be honest. but it seems to support the fact that long hair works wonders. :D

we stumbled around for a while but slowly got the hang of it. it was fun but oh, so tiring! my ankles were aching so badly by the end of it. apparently i am not a born figure skater. or roller blader. or cyclist. and the list goes on.

later i had a pau for lunch because i was on survivor mode. meaning i didn't have much money left and i was in a severe scrimp and scrounge kind of mood. i bought the pau, went up to KFC to meet the others, and ate my pau.

instead of going home to crash, having used up most of our energy for the day, the pair of us decided to follow the ong family on their little outing, spending the day for isaiah since it was his birthday. all the strength was sapped from us by the end of the day. which probably means it was a day well used.

yesterday i met an old man and an old woman. they had sadness in their lives everyday, but they were a happy couple.

the old man looked like a typical old man in singapore, with his thin-striped light blue shirt that was slightly crumpled, shorts that never made it to the knee, and simple slippers. he was tall and skinny and lanky, his face long and wrinkly, but hardly ever caught without a smile on it. he spoke mandarin and fluent malay. he was always eager to talk, but didn't speak excessively.

the lanky old man pushed a wheelchair along, with a backpack hanging on one of the handles, into the room i was in. serene and doe-eyed as could be was his wife. she was in the wheelchair. the old woman seemed quiet and timid, she didn't speak at all. but she did not strike me as unpleasant, for her face was very friendly. she wore a baby pink t-shirt and trousers of which color i cannot seem to recall.

the couple came in and greeted the therapist heartily. apparently they had been coming in for sessions regularly for quite some time now. i injected my greeting with enthusiasm and introduced myself as a student.

after sitting the old woman down at a table, the therapist whipped out a piece of cross-stitch cloth with a heart already sewn on it and asked the old woman to continue working on the "handphone pouch". stitch by stitch she poked and pulled the needle as instructed. she was a proper woman, you could tell by the way she sewed. the lax string had to be adjusted to a certain length before she made another stitch, and every stitch had to be tugged to a good tautness.

her husband sat down at the table and spoke to me, in mandarin no doubt. i struggled through the conversation but i survived, managing to bring across at least the essence of what i meant in every sentence.

"why is it you can speak malay, uncle?"
"i'm from malaysia. we both were, long ago. she used to understand malay too."

later, the old woman beamed and grinned as she presented the little pouch to her one and only. we all kicked up a big fuss about how nice the pouch was, and how well she did. the old man promptly fitted his phone into it and we all clapped. "we'll go home and show our son." the old man said. his wife smiled and put her head down shyly.

"this is our old photo." he said suddenly, while the therapist was away. he slid his phone towards me across the table with a smile. displayed as the wallpaper was a black and white photo of a young couple, in the classic studio arrangement, woman in front of man, both gazing into the air. they were really beautiful.

"wow. is this your wedding photo?" i looked up at him.

he thought for a while. "before our wedding. during our engagement."

i stared at the picture for a minute more, pressing the cancel button so that the backlight of the phone wouldn't go off. i don't know why, but old photos amaze me. add on to it's age the fact that i was looking at the very same people fifty or sixty years later. i did not know which to smile more at-- the picture, or the couple in front of me.

"so who chased who first?" the therapist asked, when she had returned, with a cheekiness in her tone.

"who chased who first?" the old man asked his wife in dialect, prompting her response.

"he chased me first!" she replied in laughter. she lowered her head again shyly as we all giggled together.

"she can remember these things from long ago. but recent happenings, she forgets." the old man said to me.

i nodded with a sympathetic face.

i have my grandma at home. i know when there's something wrong with an old person's body. you can see it in their gaze.

"mrs. L has dementia. " the therapist told me. "her husband is very loyal. he takes care of her. for the family taking care of a dementia patient it can be very hard sometimes, especially continuously, it gets very..."

depressing, i wanted to say.

"...tiring. we advised him to take her to daycare a few times a week but, he finds it hard to let go. so she comes here for therapy, and also so that he can talk to us for a bit."

"it's so sweet." i said softly.

"it is." she replied.

Mama can still recognize the numbers one to ten. i know this because i played with her just now. i took out her poker cards and used them as flashcards. she had no problem at all. after that i took out her wooden puzzles, she attacked them happily.

her hands have been rendered somewhat useless by arthritis, her right only slightly less affected than her left. she has only enough skill left in the better hand to hold a spoon. and for some reason, it was very jittery today. still, she gave the puzzles more attention and focus than usual. i praised her and she was quite pleased with herself.

"mama is smart! mama is clever!"

if only she was this participative everyday. i like it when her eyes are bright.

i'm sorry, my last post did not count as a post at all. gerlynn has chided me accordingly. :D

2011 is very different, because i have finally reached a point in my little life when the year that lies ahead is entirely subject to my planning.

yesterday i met a boy who still believes in the beauty of a handwritten recipe. and his dog, romper, bit my finger. apparently i exhausted his (romper's) patience by requiring him to do tricks for grapes. i shouted at him in response. it was quite a scene.

today i found myself cooking lunch for daddy and me. a tomato omelet, toasted garlic bread and boiled butter veggies. i burnt the omelet; but no matter though, for it just gave my father something to educate me about while we were eating-- how to cook the perfect omelet. my mistake however, was neither the heat of the pan nor the duration of the cooking. just my bad multitasking in the kitchen. i was fussing over the bread.

this becomes a problem when you put off blogging day after day, you end up having too many things in your mind to blog about when you finally get to it and you have so many thoughts scrambling to be processed from brain to fingers. it's hard to do every little topic justice and write it in the pretty way you envision.

oh my goodness i shall stop here for now.

before that i shall add that yesterday i walked from marymount MRT station to thompson plaza in the blazing noon sun because sometimes i'm a plain idiot.

"it looked so short on the map!" i said, winking and holding my thumb and index finger, with a little space in between, to my open eye.

this is late, but HAPPY 2011 everybozay! :)

OT observation session on thursday. pretty exciting.

and hopefully i can have a session with a ST sometime this month too.

i shall blog more later, pics and all.