mama's back to crying all night.

i'm really really struggling to face the practical reality of my current situation with mama with a good attitude. day in and day out being stuck at home, i can't go anywhere all week long. no job, no money. half dead in the day and tired out at night. i feel so trapped. i can't go out for lunch or coffee or go buy stuff that i need. i don't get to sleep or eat at the right times. to be honest i hate the way i have to live now. it's eating me up inside, i am eighteen years old.

there really is no one to blame. and nothing can be done about it all. it is what it is and i have to suck it up somehow and carry on. everything is so much easier said than done. i know all the model answers. i hesitate to express my difficulties to people because they often feel compelled to advise me almost reflexively. mental note to myself, never to do that.

like i told my dad just now, i'm not asking for anything. i'm not asking for out or for change or for help (if help was available, i would have asked for it already.) i am saying that i am having a very hard time.

for the first time today my dad said that he didn't want to take for granted that i would be fine. it was kind of nice to hear. i have often felt taken for granted to ever be fine, just because i handle things in an 'agnes' sort of way.

everyone, i hope you're having a better day than me. if not then, high five.