my mama is back and she's so cute.

yeah mama's in the cute mode now. and she's on replay too, repeating the same story about her stay over and over, saying it every time with such enthusiasm as if it were the first time.

her chest is flatter now, but bruised from all the procedures. the armpit area has a lump on it, but it's happened before so. the main thing is, as i've said before, that she's comfortable.

as for the cause of the swelling, still unsure. (pfft.) doc says it's probably due to trauma to the area. but the facts seem inconsistent cos it started so suddenly in the morning when nobody had lifted her. just suddenly, poom, swollen. the entire night before and the earlier part of the morning was completely fine. plus, i didn't lift her on that side the night before. so it's kinda strange.

anyway we have to lift her differently now, like in a more difficult way so we don't touch her upper thorax. need more salonpas patches...

according to EE, mama's 85? mom says 78?

she looks so lively now lor. funny...

ag: mama apa kabarrrrrr?~ (how is mamaaaaaaaa?~)

mama: kabar baiiiiiiiik!!! ^^ (gooooooood!!! ^^)

she's so happy to be home. :)

mama's coming home tomorrow.

bittersweet, to be honest. :\

today was extremely boring. study comp study comp tv. and the weather was kinda strange.

i want a couple umbrella. but it's not like i need it so, it's on my wishlist for now. hah.

spent the morning/afternoon studying my phonebook, timing myself as it would be during the real thing, and inquiring about scholarships. then i went to hospital just now with E E. all seems well, and she's coming home soon. wednesday i think?

i crave me some ginger ale.

my bolster is still in the wash. how am i gonna sleep without it?! lol.

i'm planning to take a new banner pic. don't laugh at it when it's up, okay?

mom says "mama is pink!". meaning she's doing good in hospital. it's funny she stops all her crying and nonsense when she's there. :) not sure when she's coming back, but i'm thinking soon, since she's looking so well.

my throat's been infected for a long time now. kinda up and down, sometimes it's bad and sometimes it's okay. it's pretty bad today, like now. might go to the docs for antibiotics.

i really need to study this week, now that i have alot of time to myself. i'm seriously predicting that i'll do extremely bad for math, but i'm quite confident i'll score okay if not good for english. fine line between being realistic and being pessimistic.

did some random introspection while i was in the shower.

a weakness of mine is my mediocracy. i'm a classic underachiever. i'm not very competitive (find competition can be quite egoistic?) so that obviously is not a driving factor. and i'm lazy. i have a very bad "pass can already let's go play" attitude. sorry. i acknowledge. i'll change. :|

i'm so bloated now with tummy gas. it's making me nauseous. feels like someone pumped a balloon all the way up my rib cage. took carbon pills but it's not working. someone burp me can? so uncomfortable! obviously ate too much today.

IT'S MEWKSHAKE TIME-

geil and i started talking about my fat nose.

geil and i haven't had a gelare milkshake in a long time. hung out at causeway for a while after lunch today. ree lex. then all the alamons took turns trying out all the massage chairs at the osim shop, it was so funny.

at church jay started looking at pics from the past. comparing me now to me then, you can tell how much weight i've put on. no really! geil, don't worry so much. maybe when you're my age you'll be as fat as me, which isn't very fat anyway.

for the record, i like my weight and my size. hardly have to try any clothes on. (hao lian)

the day was TC, lunch, laze around at greedy's place, causeway, NP for dinner with the momma and the papa, shop till drop but never buy anything, then home.

mama seems to be doing well in hospital? she had a blood transfusion, so she's all fired up and energized, talking alot and eating alot. docs still aren't sure of the cause of fluid collection. they suspected liver failure, but test results came out very normal. mama's mysterious i tell you. will go and see her tomorrow.

apparently i look older than the timmy. that's strangely pleasing.

we left for SGH at around 10pm. mama's warded and more investigations are being done. just reached back home 15 minutes ago. i need to take a dump.

mama seems much more comfy after she got painkillers. practically no pain. they did the standard investigative tests, and they extracted whatever was swelling up inside her right chest and it turned out to be haemoserous fluid. think that's water and plasma or something. the cause of the collection is unknown as of now and before we left her we could see that it had spread to her left side as well. but mama's cheery and perky (maybe a little high, lol) and that's really what's more important.

this is how the night went down: when we reached, the paramedics registered her and we waited for a doc. got a doc, explained her symptoms, and waited for tests to be done. got test results, waited for warding paperwork. followed mama to transit ward, filled in paperwork and answered nurse's questions. accompanied mama for a while longer, then went to seating area to snooze until MRT started functioning. took MRT home at 6am. had breakfast near home and voila.

no fracture is visible on the films, and the symptoms are so random that the docs are kind of scratching their heads. upper arm pains in the morning, and an hour later massive swelling under her right clavicle. it got really huge really quick. pretty mysterious. i just hope the fluid doesn't start squashing her poor little heart on the left. that would be bad.

oh, i got to ride in an ambulance last night. cool stuff. thank God for a good ambulance company.. the price, vehicle, and paramedics were good.

okay i seriously need a bath and nap. thanks so much for the smses of care. we really, really appreciate it all.

this morning mama's been crying because her right arm hurts alot. so i applied some stuff and gave her pain meds. couldn't find any swelling or bruising, and she could move it as per normal so i ruled out a stroke. thought it's either an injury from all the lifting or just her renal failure end stage pains. smsed mom to let her know. when i came into my room about half an hour ago to check on her, her right chest was swollen, like abnormally puffy. sat her up and undressed her to examine it. it's extremely tender to the touch and it got to that size really quickly. called mom and told her. mom said to send her in to A&E, but i told her mama refuses to go, so she said to comfort her first and wait. so i'm comforting her and waiting. it's probably a fracture from being lifted at the armpits so often. her bones are very breakable. :(

i think mom is trying to get half day leave to come home, take a look, and make mama go to hospital.

thinking about her unwillingness to go, i suddenly remember how she bit a nurse in the past. lol. no damage done though, i think it was a gummy bite.

clap clap clap.

happy birthday to shermainey and singapore. aunty susan called me up while i was out with mom in the afternoon to ask me if i could make it for a gathering at the ongs'. :)

i went out with mom because we simply needed to go out. went to Nsquare. mom wanted to get some blouses and see see stuff. had pumpkin soup and bread for tea with her, although we drank coffee (you gotta love tea time) and headed home in the late afternoon to change up and go to the ongs'.

mama was fine with daddy for those few hours, mainly because she was so happy about her morning walk, she'd already pooped as much as she could, and she was waiting for the parade to see "boy" shooting. plus, she slept most of the time we were away cos the morning was so tiring for her. when mom and i came back from Nsquare she was happily propped up in her wheelchair watching the NDP, very cutely with daddy.

daddy kept telling us to have fun while we were out. think there is too much crazy tension in the house. there are MOFs and arguments.. it's tense. but there are pockets of time when we're eating together or talking and we're really happy. those pockets are nice.

the mama is wiggly wiggly behind me now. starting to wake.

i am isolated and bored. extremely sick of my own house. really feeling bad.

slept at 5, woke up at 11. mom and dad brought mama downstairs for thosai and marketing while i was KOed. apparently she was really chatty and happy, chose bitter gourd at the market and stuff. :) wish i could've gone down too.

happy birthday shermainey! have fun.

i'm home today. with mama.

anyway i've fed her and bran their breakfasts. mama refused to take her meds. i forgot to pass a note to my mom to deliver to geil. :|

some problem with gmarket so i can't buy stuff now. pretty frustrating cos i need a backpack to carry my books around.

got very very little sleep last night and still had to wake up to serve the queen this morning. NOW she's sleeping comfortably like a baby. how i wish she would sleep this deeply at night. at niiiiight!

sorry geil, haven't been in touch with you these two days. very maxed out by mama and dreaded cramps. hope to see you sometime next week lah. (heart)

last night was the same. daddy had to sleep on the floor beside mama. :(

but today she was sort of normal, sort of tired from making so much noise. i woke up at noon (had strange dreams) and brought her to the tv area for lunch. been trying to keep her from sleeping since then, but i sort of ran out of things to do already so now she's napping. made pancakes for tea, let her watch tv again. exercised on the bike while watching with her, then brought her back in and went to take a bath. bath time is great. i love baths. technically it's shower since there's no tub (right?) but all singaporeans call it bath/baff so, :).

feeding mama pancakes...

mama: *motions to give some to bran*

ag: no.

mama: *throws a piece at him and looks at me like, oops too late!*

ag: sigh~

changing mama's diapers...

mama: it's alot.

ag: *opens up diaper, makes shocked face!*

mama: *laughs very happily*

sitting mama up...

mama: this baju very hot.

ag: take out the baju.

mama: *checks for people.. FLASHES. then lollol.*

talking about her hair...

ag: it's long. can i cut it?

mama: nooooh. cannot. must use the shaver thing then will buzzz buzzz buzzz like that you dunno how.

ag: buzzz buzzz buzzz ah?

mama: ya!

I'M DYING.

mama's back to being nasty. like really nasty. like when she first came. last night daddy had to sleep on the tatami mat beside her from 3am all the way to this morning cos she kept making noise and being naughty. before that mom and i had to make her eat her medicine because she refused to. she thought we fed it to her already and we're trying to overdose her. so of course, she stuck to her story and kept saying she felt worse after taking the medicine. but in reality she felt alot better, i'm sure. it's medicine for itch and pain relievers.

she just sleeps so much in the day so logically she can't fall asleep at night. and when i switch the lights off and she awakes from her little light naps she gets bored and wants attention, so she starts crying louder and louder until she gets it. basically she cries and howls every 10 minutes for NOTHING. when i go there and ask her what in the world she wants she says nothing. or, turn the fan. then turn it back a few minutes later. or off it, then scold me for offing it. or she finds something to get angry about. after like, 100 times of getting up from my sofa when she got too loud to attend to her cranky "nothings" i got really frustrated with her. tried telling her in her good ear that she's disturbing everybody and that she shouldn't cry for nothing, but in her eyes i'm completely unreasonable and i should have to respond to her every squeal and be awake 24 hours a day. for her.

i closed the parents' room door but it was loud and daddy could still hear her. so he came out and slept in my room. cos mama doesn't dare fuss around with him. and she shut up and fell asleep, or maybe just shut up even if she was awake, all the way until morning.

i woke up to her crying. again. crying for nothing. ever seen a kid do a drama cry and then peep or glance to see if anyone's looking, if anyone came to the door? that's what she does. if i am soft with her, she tires me out all freaking night long. if i give her tough love, she flares up and thinks i'm bad. either way i cannot sleep. and what, now she's even crying in the day. she really disregards how good her life is now compared to back at the old folks' home and how much our lives are revolving around her and her antics now.

this is draining and bewildering. and i can't be bothered to try and act angelic. i'm completely un-angelic today. no angels here. i am tired and angry, but there is nobody for me to rain my anger upon since there's actually nobody to blame.

i'm gonna shower to cool my hot head down before it explodes. then i'm gonna blow my hair dry and try to take a nap.

tuesday was hospital day. mama had an appointment with the vascular doctor to check her dialysis thing. there was some mess-up and we had to wait for a very long time. even quiet mama got mad for having to sit in the cold without lunch for so long.

anyway we got some meds for her itch, but we're trying them out for the first time and they don't seem to be working (look at the time.) she started waking up at 2 to cry and is still up now, counting her money. she doesn't appear the promised 'drowsy' at all. okay that sounded mean. maybe tomorrow night they'll kick in better.

mom took leave for mama so i got to rest more. :)

my room fan is spoilt. :(

the sofa is my bed of choice now. it's actually much comfier than the tatami mat.

i want to buy a whole bunch of things from gmarket and they're all in my shopping cart. that's about as close as i will get to most of them. family already bought me this comp so i really can't keep asking for money. plus i need a phone so whatever money they want to give me should go to that. TSKKKKKKK fedup.

mama's very constipated and that worries me. big bomb coming.

just saw this clip on AFV of a guy throwing a bucket of soap into a jacuzzi full of people, and a few minutes later the entire porch floor was six inches deep in foam. then he took a leaf blower and MEGA HOME FOAM PARTY! too bad nobody i know has a porch with a jacuzzi...

ag: ma, this pontalon is also subscription medicine issit?

mom: prescription.

ag: *thinks* *couldn't stop laughing for 5 minutes.*

FRIED DAY.

today i went to church, and mom stayed back. we're gonna try to bring mama to church next week although it will be very difficult.

the weather's been so pleasant today.

i finally got my dejavu extra long mascara on friday while waiting for geil to run an errand. keep forgetting to do little things like that on the weekends. it's really good. there are virtually no clumps nomatter how much you layer it over and over, it looks natural and it comes off very conveniently with water, but doesn't move a bit during the day before you wash it off. so i love it. you know why else i love it? cos i cost $25, but watsons card mems have it at $17, and i redeemed my card points and only had to pay $2.50. RARA! (that doesn't stand for anything it's just sort of a.. baby lion onomatopoeia.)

on a sadder beauty note, my face is pocky pocky. it's been in bad shape for a long time now nomatter how well i take care of it. starting to owe it to my bad sleeping and eating schedule. can't figure out what else might be the cause. but oh well. i'm always at home so it doesn't really matter.

kenny came over after church but i was dead on my parents' bed so i was very not present.

jamie bought us an awesome box of royce chocolates (!!!) and she was both sweet and smart to do so. thanks, jamie!

mama has dialysis on monday cos she has to go for a followup appointment at SGH on tuesday.

the mama is awake!

little chunks out of my everyday book, written in the dead of the night when i was watching mama try to sleep.

"dear mama,

you are my irony. you are my paradox. you are the hardest thing that has ever happened to me, and yet in suffering for your happiness i am happy.

when all this is over, i can say in the truest way possible that i love you."

"dear mama,

you dig your way into my heart looking for what love i have to give.

you are like a child i didn't ask for. you are like a child i can't give up. i am crying because some part of me doesn't want you, while another knows that you belong to me. and it tears my heart in painful two. i realize clearly today that i am doing all this not because of how i feel, but because i know it's right."

thumbs down to all the songs and advice which say follow your heart.

strange things are happening.

1. mama's got sores and scratch marks here and there.

2. she's in pain at night.

3. she's itchy like mad the whole day.

so she cries alot at night. waiting for her appointment at SGH so we can get medicine for her itch and pain. think that will help alot. she's crying behind me now. what to do... :(

tomorrow's my turn to go to church.

today i had to skip TC because i was too tired. woke up late after mama had left for dialysis and went for lunch with the parents at northpoint. had the bomb briyani, the queue was ridiculously long. the day started off quite bad for us but as it went by things got a little more cheery. we roamed around NP and had tea until dad went to pick mama up from dialysis, then we bought some stuff and met him back at our neighborhood for dinner with the mama and the timmy.

oh, and the grand saturday plan went through. ;D

my face is red and peely and it makes me sad.

the entire family chipped in to get me a new comp! thank God for a good deal (i think?). at least now i have something to do when i need to stay up. i'm making a big thank you card for them now. it's drying.

tomorrow i have no choice but to leave mama at 3pm for my braces appointment. tried to reschedule but there are no available slots on sats. so the plan is to give mama piping hot filling food to try and get her to do her daily business before i leave so i can change her and she (hopefully) won't poo while i'm gone. if that's successful then i'll go, stay out, have some tea, have dinner, and go for 'fribering' (FYI that's friday night bible training in short). if all that fails and she does it while i'm out, then dad will give me a call and i'll come home after my appointment to clean her up. her skin can't take the acidity and stuff, it gets red and irritated very easily. irritated means sore and sore means infection and infection means a whole lot of pain. plus infection means pus and pus is gross and i seriously don't need any more gross.

anyway hopefully the grand plan goes through.

i'm playing courier tomorrow. delivering geil's package from korea to her place. i mean, the package is from korea, and i'm delivering it from my house to hers. say hooyah if you love gmarket can?

the mama is starting to rumble behind me.

OKAY IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME THAT THIS POST WILL BE LABELLED FRIDAY SINCE IT'S 1AM SO TAKE NOTE I'M WRITING THIS THURSDAY NIGHT. i didn't really need to caps that. oh well i lazy retype.

mama's back to crying all night.

i'm really really struggling to face the practical reality of my current situation with mama with a good attitude. day in and day out being stuck at home, i can't go anywhere all week long. no job, no money. half dead in the day and tired out at night. i feel so trapped. i can't go out for lunch or coffee or go buy stuff that i need. i don't get to sleep or eat at the right times. to be honest i hate the way i have to live now. it's eating me up inside, i am eighteen years old.

there really is no one to blame. and nothing can be done about it all. it is what it is and i have to suck it up somehow and carry on. everything is so much easier said than done. i know all the model answers. i hesitate to express my difficulties to people because they often feel compelled to advise me almost reflexively. mental note to myself, never to do that.

like i told my dad just now, i'm not asking for anything. i'm not asking for out or for change or for help (if help was available, i would have asked for it already.) i am saying that i am having a very hard time.

for the first time today my dad said that he didn't want to take for granted that i would be fine. it was kind of nice to hear. i have often felt taken for granted to ever be fine, just because i handle things in an 'agnes' sort of way.

everyone, i hope you're having a better day than me. if not then, high five.

YAYAYA.

that was (a very humid) saturday.

last night i was waiting for mama to fall asleep so i watched pride an prejudice (fav fav fav) with her on tim's mac. but he came and took it away for dunno what reason at part 2. (youtube!)

i think i've watched that movie like, 20 times by now. hah, no really. the soundtrack is fantastic. but the more i think about it, the more i wish the lead actor was someone else. he just seems.. old. :\

anyway mama fell asleep at around 2am, and she tried her bestest to be quiet throughout the night. when she woke me up this morning she told me how she tried not to disturb me, and i gave her a big smile and thumbs up and stroke on the head. really like a child.

then she started to ask me to buy chwee kuay... lol.

geil your MT oral is today? HWAITING!

it's saturday night. told mom to go to church tomorrow since she's been watching mama for the past couple of sundays while i went. her turn.

this evening mama is obsessed with-- thosai. (spelling? the indian food.)

last night i was really frustrated with her again cos i really wanted to go for TC in the morning, but she kept making noise so i didn't get to sleep and it was just so tiring. after being very stand-offish with her for a long while i decided to apply some soothing stuff on her itching skin in hopes of appeasing her somewhat. so i applied the stuff on her arm, further up, and then i began to see red spots around her underarm area. opened up her shirt and saw a bunch of them on the side of her upper thorax. they're small sores.. i think supposedly expected with her condition. felt pretty bad about my exhausted tolerance. shall not say low tolerance because.. it's not low. just, used up.

hah i just heard her crying all of a sudden and rushed to my room. she just wanted to turn.

anyways, i still forced myself to go this morning. bathed and ate and left. went to geil's for lunch, took a nap on her couch, came back to get some food for the gathering just now and to pick up a letter which i totally forgot to deliver (epic brainless) and rushed back to church. the gathering was a dinner for the chhims to say thanks and byebye cos they're leaving soon. :'(

jay is helping out in the teens ministry now. like WOW~ thank God for that. we're close to you so we can make special requests right right? no? okay.

i'm gonna (try to) sleep now cos i'm half dead.

mama hasn't had any tantrums at night for the past week, but she still maintains her strict thousand turns ritual habit. i get really bad and sudden "sleepy spells" throughout the day. like, extreme drowsiness all of a sudden that's satisfied by a half an hour or one hour nap. like some disorder...

the queen is fussy and picky and completely obsessed with buying food from downstairs, but overall her behavior is cute and she knows that i'm physically quite stretched. the new line of proper communication helps so much, in fact i think it's the cause of her newfound (slight) sense of consideration. thank God.

been having little sessions of frustration with her here and there though, i'll be honest. sometimes at night when she keeps waking me up for nothing until dawn. sometimes when she refuses to do stuff like put on her clothes. she's not feisty, just really picky.

everyday she asks for rojak. i think it's because she's bored and wants to eat something nice, but forgets that she just ate it recently? so today i suggested mee rebus to her, and ever since then she's been asking me to buy mee rebus everytime i walk into the room.

" tomorrow buy..... ah.... mee rebus! we share share."

10 mins later

"anna anna, tomorrow buy.... ah.... mee rebus! we share share."

repeat and repeat.

tomorrow i plan to go to geil's for dinner. sun plaza got watsons right? i wanna buy mascara with my watsons points. old mascara ran out. :D

when tim is sick...
mom: tim no need to do dishes lah, since he's sick.
tim: *beams*
ag: eh i cannot do also i'm sick.
mom: sick with what?
ag: i got... i got... ... ...mental illness!

and i got exempted too. meaning...? lol.

okay i'm gonna make a hot dog bun now, bye.

itchy hands.

spent two whole hours beside mama doing this. i didn't really get the colors or dimensions exactly right so it's not as stunning as the original picture. but it was fun.

the pastels were from sis. suwei. she gave them to me when she gave me art classes in 2002.

if you squint it kinda looks real. hahah.

plan failed. it was a no go to chongpang, haha.

mommy and daddy have left for hospital, and mama's falling in and out of dreams behind me while i search for korean variety shows online, and blog.

i suddenly have a real painting itch going through my hands. my folded easel and locked up paints look so pitiful.

daddy promised me an iphone to replace my spoilt phone if i wait until the newest one comes out so that the price of the older ones drop. i'm waiting.

mom's got an endoscope scheduled this wednesday. i just realized endoscope is like a general term and it can refer to both gastro and colonoscopes? (if i'm wrong i push the blame to nurse-mom cos she told me that.) anyway she has to go for both of those.

so tomorrow she'll be home in the morning, go for her appointment in the afternoon, and come back i dunno what time. the plan is to go out to the bank with mama to settle some stuff and then have breakfast at chongpang. maybe do a little chongpang shopping for the queen to have some fun. all provided the weather is good. then we'll come back home and i'm guessing mama will be tired out so she can nap the afternoon away, and mom will go for her yucky scopes.

i always feel sort of quietly ecstatic when mom gets to stay home now that mama's here. can't pinpoint why.

i've been eating way too much these past few days and i'm already feeling heavier. constantly nom nom nom. prepare to see a chubby agnes if i keep this up.

1AM in the lee home...

in kitchen: *kling kling klong klong pots and pans* beep beep microwave sound*

dad: the mouse is out...

it's weird but i like reading my own blog over and over. just read a bunch of 2009 posts.

mama was fussy and whiny last night. after i blogged i was chatting to john ho from ages past, and i heard her screaming. totally woke the parents up. went in and decided to sleep, but of course, she couldn't sleep therefore i couldn't either. made cards beside her until 3am, then tried to lie her down again and switch off the lights. didn't work...

i'm gonna go change some poopie diapers now. nice timing.

OK LONG POST HEADSUP.
today was quite pleasant.

was ABC's first anniversary! *clap clap* God's leading is so wonderful to look back on. kudos to timmy and the bannerbulletinnicestuff he put effort into. i sandwich my words when i get lazy.

church, lunch there, and off to geil's for some r&r. thanks for putting up with my intrusions. should pay rent soon. :D went to SSC, bought some stuff, went back to her place for dinner, and came home.

mama thought i ran away from home. ever since the BBQ sleepover she's afraid i won't come back. lol. when i did come home she was in a particularly good mood. which reminds me..

I DISCOVERED THAT MAMA CAN HEAR IF I SHOUT IN HER RIGHT EAR! like, talk loudly right at it. that was how we communicated with her many years back, but while she was in the old folks' home her hearing totally went, but now it works again for some strange reason. it happened yesterday. i forgot why but i decided to say something in her ear.

ag: (all in malay) can you hear me?!!
mama: cannot.

ag: !!!! (if she can answer of course she can hear, which was shocking. and funny cos she was lying.)

ag: LOL.

mama: LOL cos i LOL.

so i spent the next hour talking to her about all sorts of stuff. and having someone talk to her like that after such a long time sort of changed her brain a little. a little more reasonable, more witty, more bright. maybe this will be a great help. communication.

she was really really cute this evening, i can't really describe it but it's like the faces she makes and the tones of her voice. and now she's actually giving me time away from her while she's lying on the bed. i'm in the study room using daddy's comp, cos my comp's a mess and needs to be fixed.

we'll see if she keeps this behavior up through the night, or even the week. (oh ples, God.) if not, then it was nice while it lasted.

met sis. suwei and the gang just now! she says i lost weight, and i would love to accept that wonderful remark, but truthfully the scale shows the same weight as a few weeks ago. -_-" i do wonder why i look more stick-like than before. shall settle with the idea that i'm more toned up after all the regular mama-lifting and wheelchair-lifting. gahaha.

weekend:
friday: mom OTed so i had to stay home instead of going to church.

saturday: mama wouldn't sleep the night before so i just couldn't get up to go for youth group. woke up to send mama for dialysis and go for lunch downstairs. then i spent the day with mom. we went to the melaleuca shop and then went to 313 for fun. found this nice place with nice floral teas and desserts, chinese style. mom was enjoying the tea cos it was in a pretty glass teapot on a burner, and the cups were cool. right, mommy? (she FINALLY started reading my blog.)
anyway, the curse of the no stock kicked in again! i only picked two things i liked while shopping, and there was no size and no bar code so i couldn't buy them. BOOYA! perhaps a divine sign that i shouldn't buy them. went home to carry the wheelchair at 6pm. had a merry little dinner and left the night duty to mom. still, i could hear everything going on in my room so i didn't exactly sleep like a baby.

yay for lalamon, your uncle is like, so yesno~

i sort of abandoned my camera. no mood for pics this month. =(

have a fantastic week, people. :)

things are back to routine at home. mama's back to her nocturnal lifestyle, cute and cuddly in the day and demanding at night. thigh pains aren't a big issue, but the itch is! apparently itchy skin comes with end stage renal failure. toxins in the blood or something. it's been there for a long while, but now it's really starting to kick in strong. she just scratches and scratches and keeps repeating "gatal! (itchy)" every 5 minutes at night. it's mean, but i keep joking that it makes her look more ape-ish. (really! in the cutest way possible.) so anyway, gatal requires more baby lotion. powder. chlorpheniramine. and of course, her all time favorite back scrubs.

you know how people pat your back when you swallow something down the wrong pipe and start coughing? well mom pats mama's forehead. it's funny but i tried it on her today and it works! strrange.

i'm working my way through the SAT 'phonebook'.

MAMAvocab

plower = flower.
stowkeng = stockings = socks.
meeloh = milo.
teteteh = computer.
bee char kway = yew char kway. (bought min chang kway for her before i figured this out lah.)
boy = timmy.
anna = agnes.
pohsuan = mom.
tayleong = daddy.
si gemo/ si ampat kaki = the fatty/the four legged = bran.
si bunga = the flower = carol. (cos you bought flowers for her.)
si kereta = the car = isa. she has another name for you but won't say it here.
si perot besar = the big tummy (pregnant) = sis. suwei! cos everytime she saw you in the past you were pregnant, haha.

i like talking with the malay accent. :D

mommy keeps saying that she really hopes mama's mellowed down after her hospital stay, but honestly i think it's smarter to brace up for her tantrums rather than hope they go away. so if they do go away, then great. and if they don't, then you'd be mentally prepared instead of a puddle of tears. makes sense right? it's kind of like what i've heard over the pulpit before about facing trials. instead of praying for the trials to dissolve, we should pray for strength to go through them and learn something.

i know, spiritual right? *low toned laugh*

anyway mama is about the same as before she went to hospital. childlike, forgetful mind, itching body and painful thigh. i think her meds have been upped a little. other than that the docs say it's all about deterioration. end-stage renal failure, there's nothing much they can do. and it seems thigh pains is expected with renal failure. she seems fine though. she's still cheery in the day before her fangs come out at night. she eats well and laughs everyday. poops well too, i would know. :D her mind is occupied mainly with:
-what day is it and do i have dialysis?
-who is at work and when are they coming back?
-what should i get anna to go down and buy to eat?
-how much money do i have?
-is the blister on my hand healing?
-is the fan on oscillation mode?
-hey, there are birds outside!

yes she's strangely amused by/afraid of the birds that live in the tree outside my room window. and she absolutely cannot live with the fan not being on oscillation mode.

she cried last night but just until about 2am. then she slept all the way till 9am. and i changed her diapers3 times this morning! think she was trying to clear her system so she wouldn't do it at dialysis when she's all "wired up".

okay i gotta go meet daddy at the lift landing and carry the wheelchair down soon. thank God for a tiny, light wheelchair!

the mama is coming back tomorrow. dad will go get her from hospital at around noon. after a good weekend of pre-mama life, i'm kinda feeling the dread, to be honest. back to the sleepless nights and the wailing and the hemorrhoids and not being able to leave the house. but i'm gonna do what i have to do. she's my grandma.

geil you played great today. no mistakes? *over-enthu applause*

WEEKEND

wednesday to friday was relax and recuperate. i was sick on thursday but i got well by friday, thank God.

saturday was fun. went for youth group, and then lunched at geil's. went jalan jalan with her impromptu-ly after that. shopped at far east until we ran out of time. then i went to hospital to see mama, and then i went to chinatown with the parents. met tim's primary school best friend's parents there. we used to sleep over at their house. ah, eugene loo~ hahahaha. was a long day, reached home pretty late.

today was today... church then lunch at astons with the family + geil and roy and jay. walked around daiso a bit, then came home and napped. woke up, went down for dinner, and went to NP to buy eyeliner and stuff. been going out without makeup these past few days. i've become sloppy and ugly, oh no.

UNREASONABLE AUNTY!
(queuing to pay at watsons. very nicely dressed aunty in front of me and mom goes away to take her plastic bags of whatever stuff. i move forward and put my basket on the counter. she comes back and glares her eyeballs out at me.)
aunty: excuse me!! (glare glare)
ag: (takes a step back and removes basket.)
aunty: i haven't even sign my card yet! TSK! (glare glare)
ag: (?! i move back already what she want, apology? nevermind, tahan.) um, i'm sorry i didn't know.
cashier: (STRESS the queue so long fussy aunty take so long.)
aunty:(pays and walks away) pschewpschew dunno what she scolding so angrily still glaring insanely at me.
ag: (looks at her) wah liddat also want to scold?!
cashier: heh, be cool.
ag: oh no worries i'm very cool one. (smiles)
queue behind: (snicker snicker)

mama has been complaining of thigh pains for about four nights. on tuesday night it got worse, and i spent the whole night trying to figure out how to position her or what to rub for her. parents decided to admit her to A&E in the morning, just nice since mom had a CT scan and stuff on the same day.

i forced myself to bathe and change up and go with them because they would definitely need the help, plus i knew mama's day to day condition best so i wanted to speak to the doc myself. i stupidly brought a book along to read during the waiting time, but i think i only managed to read like one paragraph before my eyes shut tight.

mom left for her appointment after registering mama and daddy and i went through the whole long waiting game at the A&E. brief consult, proper consult, x-ray, second consult, wait in observation ward, send to transit ward to wait for more permanent ward. mom joined us after her scan in the early afternoon. we were at SGH from 9+am to 9pm. fantastic.

mama's comfy and quite satisfied with the nice bed that can sit her up and do all those cool things, and change of enviroment. plus she has nurses tending to her every call and she can just be wheeled to dialysis on her bed instead of being carried up and down the stairs and taking a long bumpy cab ride to hougang.

when i got home i immediately fell asleep on my mat since i hadn't slept at all for a FEW DAYS STRAIGHT. the wonders of a young body, thank God for helping me through. woke up only at 1:30pm today. lol. but i can tell that my body is sort of letting go now that i'm temporarily relieved of my responsibility. i have a sorethroat today and my muscles are aching like wow, especially my lower back. head is aching. should be the flu. trying to fight it off. eating mee hoon kway now.

it's pretty cool talking to the doc with all those medical terms (docs don't like it. they think you're acting smart.) like perm cath and osteoporosis and trocanter. heeheehee.

see lah, i've been so zombied from all that mama drama that i forgot to wish mom happy birthday on the 3rd. (horrible!)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY,
love you so much!
thanks for being so determined to raise us right.
you're not perfect, but i can honestly say i wouldn't want any other mom in the world.

---------------------------------------------------------------

mama didn't want to eat much for dinner. she slept for a while and then started her scheduled crying when i wanted to feed her some food before her medicine at around 11pm.

mama: i dowan i dowan i dowan!
ag: look at me. eat food then can eat medicine.
mama: i dowan food! i dowan medicine! i dowan!
ag: hungry? see, porridge. wah~
mama: I DOWAN LAH!!!
ag: (eats the porridge.)
mama: @^&@#$%^&*. i tell pohsuan you don't let me eat!
ag: you want to eat?
mama: dowan!
ag: ?????
mama: (yells for mom for 1 hour+)

somehow when the clock strikes 11 or thereabouts, mama gets into this total hatred towards me for no reason at all. it just happens night after night. i have to try and keep a two feet distance from her while i do everything for her cos she whacks me suddenly. like an old ninja. she would just want mom, like a baby i guess. toddlers sometimes can't sleep at night without their moms around right? i think.. mom calls it the second childhood.

last night was about the same. slept at 3am, woke up at 5am, dunno when and where i fell asleep again after calming her, but woke up on my mat at 9am. prepped her for dialysis and left the feeding to dad, slept at 11 something, then woke up at 2pm. my body can't really tell night from day, or my 3 meals apart. and i dunno why i constantly sound nasal now.

ag: my life has changed so much. i feel like i had myself a baby.
mom: hahahahaha. big baby.
ag: ya. big baby with big diapers. if there ever is a fire, we can each grab one diaper and parachute down from the 4th floor.

MAMAmemory (translated)

scrubs mama's back. reaches for pajamas.
mama: hey. you didn't scrub my back!
ag: i did.
mama: never. scrub!
ag: scrubs again. okay?
mama: nod.
ag: reaches for pajamas.
mama: hey! you didn't scrub my back!
ag: scrubs again. reaches for pajamas.
mama: hey! you didn't scrub my back!!!!
ag: i scrubbed 3 times. you forgot lah.
mama: you never! it's not wet wet!
ag: squeezes water all over her back.
mama: it's not wet wet!!!!

ag: forces her to put on pajamas.

------------------------------------------

mama wakes up and cries.
mama: i'm not going! i dowan to go today!
ag: wakes up. it's monday. no dialysis.
mama: no! i'm not going today!
ag: look at me it's monday. monday. monday. no need to go. don't cry.
mama: I DOWAN TO GO I DOWAN! I DOWAAAAAAAAAN!!

ag: spaces out.

------------------------------------------

mama: close the window!
ag: hot. dowan.
mama: close!
ag: why?
mama: cos if not there will be ghost! *puts hands up with claws very cutely* wooooo~
both: hahahahahahahaha.

mama was shouting and screaming last night. she wanted mom, but mom needed to sleep, so i shut mom's room door to keep the noise out and tried to figure out how to keep mama calm. plus, if i kept making mom stay up for her, mama would expect her to do so more and more even when she has to work.

so i'd try to pat her to sleep or turn her or fiddle with the fan whenever she wanted, try to tell her that everyone was sleeping and that she was disturbing the neighbours. she would just shout at me and tell me to sleep. "i'm shouting for poh suan lah, not you! not even your business! you wake up for what! (*&^%^$%$%#) i dowan you! POHSUAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!" poh suan is mom's name. so the whole night was like that. dowan to sit up or lie down. when she finally gives in to her drowsiness after i pat her for very long, i lie on my mat and relax my backbone. then i count 3,2,1, and her crying will start again. it's routine but it's still torture.

now she has hemorrhoids because of her constipation, which hurts. but mom did a good job of managing them so they're healing up well. i'm trying to stop mommy from doing anything related to mama at all, other than maybe feeding her, because mom herself is stressed to the max. so i have to deal with the piles. shall not elaborate on that but it's no joke. you have no idea. sometimes when i'm dizzy from smelling her medication-enhanced poo for so long while changing her tediously, i go out of my room for a while and take a deep breath. i wonder to myself how in the world i ended up doing all this stuff. nurses and doctors to this kind of .. thing. an "in your face" moment to my earlier proclamations that i would never ever be a nurse because i wouldn't be able to stand the 'dirty' work.

i wanted to throw myself onto mom and dad's comfy bed and get my rightful hours of rest but the situation at home this morning was so unsettled that i decided sleep should wait. mom was having a moment-of-frustration cry. shall call it MOF from now on. she felt bad for us. i told her that if she really felt bad for us, she should pull herself together so our morale won't drop from seeing her go all mooshy.

some people seem to give off the vibe when they talk to me that we're making a big deal out of taking care of an old lady. like it's actually a simple matter that's easily overcome-able but we're just being weak and spoiled and intolerant and extremely dramatic about it. i have nothing to say to them because i just can't be bothered.

but to everyone who has shown care and love-- thank you. it goes into me and i can give it to mama.

on saturday i signed up for the SATs in october. have a few months to study. not confident at all but i'm diving into it anyway.

other parent: homeschooled? then in the end no o levels or a levels?

ag: nope.

parent: not even SATs or those kind of recognized certs?

ag: nope.

parent: then if the uni require then how!????

ag: then take the test? you can always study and sit for those privately...

parent: oh ya hor.

may not make it into the march semester, maybe not even LaTrobe at all, but we'll see.

prepared the art and craft for the kids with my mom until 3+ last night. then struggled to fall asleep going against my new bio-clock setting. slept for two or three hours and woke up late. had 15 minutes to bathe and get ready. forced every ounce of energy out of myself for the kids at chapel today. BJ came in to 'pre-scare' them for me telling them to listen to me or else they'd be brought downstairs to sit in front of him while he preached (LOL). it worked, they were good until service ended, then they went mad.

after the meeting, had lunch with kiara. chit chatted about stuff, then decided to go to SSC's popular to get whatever they had on the SATs. came back with a study guide that looks like a freaking phonebook. i am going to bring it everywhere i go, if i even go anywhere, and i am going to study because i know i'm not the brightest girl on earth. i talk alot but i'm not smart. all the good brain matter went to the firstborn son with the big head. shall not name anybody but i'll tell you that he farts alot, although that's not really related to him being smart.

lol dart gun, fart gun. 'despicable me' seems to be hilarious.

mama is so naughty. she wants to eat kway teow and rojak, so daddy just went down to buy them, and now she's crying how she's gonna die and never get to eat it because he's been gone for 2 minutes and apparently that's a lifetime.

she pulled off another all nighter last night. kept whacking me because she was angry, shouting, crying, moaning. didn't wanna sit up and didn't wanna lie down and kept crying about it. when i sit her up she'd hit me. lie her down she'd scream. now she's into cursing too. scary old-people curses. (if luck were real i'd have the worst luck in the world by now. would probably die from undiscovered parasite from a single raindrop tomorrow. that sway.) it was another horrible night.

now her theory is that daddy ran off with her money.


tim: i lost my keys.

can't find my keys.

where are my keys.

i can't find them.

still can't find.

why doesn't anybody bother that i lost my keys?!

ag: i bother, tim. just.. very, very little.

LaTrobe got back to me asking for more recognized test scores.

so much uncertainty. have to look at my other options. plus there's mama now at home. and other stuff.

splitting headache.

night time is non-stop. day time is deadness.

mama was being crazy naughty last night, you have no idea.

mom was in a rush preparing mama's meds this morning, so i heated up some pizza and made coffee for us. i was starved too.

mom: she's not herself anymore.
ag: she's herself. i mean, she's still her, just.. at another stage. it's not like she's a different person.. she's still mama. a crazier mama.
mom: yeah, she's still mama.

sips coffee

mom: we may all really just die before her.

both: hahahaha.

i need to bake a cake for the parents' birthdays (28th june and 3rd july). need the baking stuff from geil, which i'm gonna get later. and i need lilies (mom's fave) and ... i'll draw out a banner? and we'll have ourselves a jolly old wheelchair-friendly party.

mama's mind is going downhill. she's like a little child, it's more apparent now. today the dialysis center called asking when someone was gonna bring her home, and i was wondering why they'd call to ask that. later daddy told me that when he got there, she was curled up in the fetal position crying to go home! (second time this has happened.) so she basically cries dramatically for every little thing, misunderstands every little thing, whacks me when she's angry, and laughs at me when i come running to her very worriedly. (!) yesterday mama stuck her leg out while she was lying down on the bed and i tripped on it. she burst out in laughter and mommy was like, shocked at how mischievous she has become. but we all ended up laughing about it. now her new trick is to give me a flying kiss when she senses i'm angry at her. ACT CUTE.

night time is when she's really mean cos she just wants my mom and me to stay awake and do stuff for her. last night she fought off her drowsiness the whole night and tried to stay awake to make me do stuff, shouting, scolding, crying, wailing. and the medicine i gave her for pain that causes drowsiness, she says makes her unable to sleep, and that was the topic of her scolding the entire night.

went to bed at 12:30pm after sending her off for dialysis. when i got up i was bewildered and hormonal and cried while i was bathing because i suddenly felt this wave of angry and ugly and no-life feelings (i didn't have time to go out like i planned cos i woke up a bit too late. so i was like "ah i so no life.. sobsob..") let out the self-pity for a while and then i felt a bit relieved. like taking a giant dump after bad constipation. nobody was at home, so, i could cry like crazy person. like i would sob while reheating pizza and making coffee, not like the conventional sit down and cry prettily kind of cry. haha. imagine me pressing the microwave in dramatic tears. beep beep.. beep.

THIS WEEK IS GOING TO BE SO TOUGH.

seriously, sleep is a precious thing.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DADDY!
love you so much.
to me you are the top chef. (we're both into that show these days.)

tonight is another sleepless night with mama.

just got these from timmy.

i ended up sleeping saturday afternoon away in preparation for the shift tonight. mama's good though. she's really being cute and funny now. (now meaning of late) thank God for a cute mama. she chided me for sleeping over somewhere other than home. she thought i was with a boyfriend. apparently she asked where i was a thousand times last night. aw~

i know matt doesn't read my blog but, HAPPY BIRTHDAY POIFULL! we were so clueless about your birthday when you were here earlier today, i feel bad.

1. indian rojak.
2. dokboki.

that's tomorrow's menu.

oh i had a good chat with my korean teacher today, and he's coming back in august. which is awesome news, you know why? because he can make dokboki! YES! and since he's korean, i'm sure it'll be authentic. hmmhmmhmm~

last night was BBQ, 'fribering', night games, bathe, chill, lights out.

didn't get to sleep because, #1-- didn't bring sleeping bag (epic brainless!) #2-- my peripherals were frozen.

now stoning here. gonna sleep unglamly like pig once matt leaves. he came for breakfast with timmy and he came by to visit us.

can't think of anything else to blog. i'm really zonking out.

uhhhhhhhhh. i planned to do stuff today.

i haven't packed anything for tonight yet, really lazy.

i need to change some diapers now.

slept at 4am, got up at 9am. prepped mama for dialysis and left for geil's after sending her off.

bought mos burger (HAPPY!) up for lunch, chilled, tried to place a gmarket order for G, ate the awesome ice cream roy prepared with strawberries stuck all over and a syrup topping. roy you look great when you cook! *wink wink*

left for town late, reached the orthodontist's clinic late. like half an hour late, we're horrible. i made it a point, as i told geil, not to say anything stupid to the orthodontist today. it's a syndrome i suffer from. somehow-always-manage-to-say-stupid-things-in-front-of-orthodontist syndrome, shortened to SAMTSSTIFOO syndrome. i dunno why lah it just happens over and over again. good thing he's the only orthodontist i know. but if he ever dares call me weird it's pot calling the kettle black. he kind of borders on the eccentric side.. too. maybe the energy in the clinic and my energy conflict. messes up my chi.

anyway G and i walked around ion cos i wanted to get some stuff. 'accessorize' is an awesome shop, seriously. the necklaces and hair accessories (aiyah, all the accessories lah) are ridiculously nice! and actually priced in the mid-range also.. but too bad i mid-ranged also cannot afford. maybe buy one item per month? teehee. :D

why my birthday over already, tsk.

after ion, northpoint to get new notebook. i literally get irritated when i don't have a nice notebook to scribble in so i had to buy one today. and geil lent me a few bucks to get something else we came across. (thank you i will pay you back before i'm 80 i promise verbal contract.)

the thousand turns ritual has begun. i'm dying, i didn't get to nap while there was yet light because i had to go out. on my very haygeh days i sometimes joke with mommy..

CHOYtalk

ag: mom i'm ageing fast, i'm dying. i may just die before mama.

mom: CHOY AIYOH YOU AH !

i know that sounds horrible. hahahahahahaha.

my teeth are aching like wow. how to eat BBQ liddat, you tell me.

i can now sit mama up with one hand, especially while i'm doing something else with the other.

mama: lu kuat sekarang. satu tangan pun boleh. (you're strong now. one hand also can.)

ag: gua kuat. *puts her hand on flexed bicep* (i'm strong.)

mama: ada tikus. lu angkat bersi eh? (got mouse (muscle). you lift weights ah?)

ag: gua angkat mama. *does action at a hysterical speed* (i lift mama.)

both: hahahahahaha.

went to bed at 5am and woke up at 11am. daddy helped settle mama's morning meds and breakfast. he has to... i can't handle a 24 hour shift. (crazy)

mama's laughing at bran cos it's storming outside and bran's scared out of his wits. went to close tim's window just now and i saw a pack of m&m's.

tim: hello?
ag: hello. hi. i'm calling to inquire if... i can eat the m&m's.

pause

tim: -_-" can. eat lor.
ag: can ah? okay thankew~ bye bye~

so that's what i'm eating now.

my bio-clock is out of control. i'm either very sleepy or very awake and there's no predicting when i'll be what.

mama did a biggie today. spent like, 45 mins (no joke) cleaning her up.

"plower" mural. paint and canvas from daiso -- fantastic. 2 more panels to go.

peranakan pedicure service on a boring monday afternoon while watching korean drama.
hmmhmm ^-^

NIGHTTIMING

went to bed at 8am this morning. woke up at 2pm. mama was distressed the whole night. heart's weak and blood's pretty toxic so she feels pain and itchy (at night mostly). did two thousand turns and everything else she wanted, poor old woman. mom stayed home to take over the day duty. i couldn't even if i wanted to.. anywhere i sat down i fell dead asleep.

thank God i'm rested and awake and well and BATHED and ready for the next shift.

i just made a few killer pizza bread with some luncheon meat and cheese and onions and ketchup and mayo i found in the kitchen because i'm in a binging sort of mood. and because mama and i are hungry from the thousand turns ritual. the ingredients are a fool-proof combination. but now i have onion breath...
mama fantastic. 1:55am ask for tea! talk about nocturnal. anyway i got a good nap earlier in the day so i feel fine now. the question is whether or not i'll be able to get a good nap tomorrow.
watched infinity challenge to keep myself awake and happy while waiting for mama to get sleepy. but now my eyes feel funny from staring at the screen so long so i'm gonna continue the mural thing i'm painting for mama. painting "plowers" (flowers) the way mama liked to draw them when she could draw. with layers and layers of funny petals. nothing fancy but it's a time killer and she thinks it's pretty, so. :)

um i just rubbed my eyes and now i remember that i cut onions just now. ow!

YUMMAY.

really really really really really craving dokboki now. DOKBOKIIIIIII!

horrible day. i am so angry with my mother, you have no idea how angry. sometimes the things she says.. feels like she threw my heart in a woodchipper. so hurtful.

seems like i jinxed it. mama's tantrums are on the rise. it's funny she doesn't do it that much with mommy but she does with me, and mommy might just think that i'm being intolerant. sigh~ a time to say what-evarrrrrrr.

yesterday jamie and the geilamon came over to spend some time with me and mama. geil first, with her NAIL POLISH and toy! she did my nails for me lah, so sweet. but they got ruined before they dried cos i had to turn mama. =( later jamie came with munchies! and we had a good chit chat about stuff. bathed the dog, had dinner, and went for 'fribering' together in des' car. kudos to friends who own cars. :D

thanks ladies. ;)
aiyah i forgot to take photo!

didn't go to church today cos i was maxed out from the night before. didn't sleep until.. 4am? plan to go for the movie screening later tonight. the very old movie.

i'm fighting off the sorethroat.

the home seems to be much more adjusted now. mama's practically tantrum-free (okay maybe once a day. today she suddenly scolded me for losing her IC. of course i didn't. like ???) and i'm getting good at this elderly care stuff. like pretty good. ;)

mom: "now you have a new lifeskill, one that kids seldom have nowadays."

ag: "it's not a skill i hope to use too often, mom. like ever. it's not like being able to bake up a cake or sew a dress. this involves... poo. it's one of those 'skills' you use when the responsibility is thrust at you. when you don't have much of a choice, either literally due to financial constraint, or metaphorically because your conscience won't allow otherwise. that's why i'm using this 'skill' now.

*pauses and gasps for air*

but i know i won't regret it."

mom: *smiles because agnes is so lor sor.*

the thousand turns ritual has begun and i know i'm dead cos tomorrow i have to wake up early to prep the mama for her dialysis.

i have just been commanded by mama to apply analgesic on her arm. bye bye.

mama's pooping is giving me a hard time. but it's not her fault at all i guess... the woman's gotta poop. alot.

geil, when's our next ortho appointment? i might have to change the time to a later slot in the day.

a new chapter has begun. the chapter of the painful arm has passed and now it's the chapter of the painful butt. mama's having bowel issues and her butt's real sore, makes it hard to clean and it's hard for her to poop. been changing her diapers very frequently these few days. clean, so pain. don't clean, infection. have to choose "the better of the evils", as my nurse-mom would say.

tagged along with dad to take her home after dialysis just now. hope she can be transferred to AMK soon. she looked like she was going to faint in the cab. the long journey is just not good for her.

today is one good day with mama.

good morning.

no, actually not very good. watched the hours pass until the sky turned bright. i had to do the thousand turns ritual the entire night up til about half an hour ago, by which time i gave up on sleeping because i'd have to wake up again shortly and i know i'd feel horrible and i know i'd op to stay home like a pig on my precious "off day" .. cannot cannot. i plan to crash later in the afternoon. that's my grand plan.

mommy pitied me and gave me a back rub just now. i think soon, i will have hulk back muscles. and i was joking with mommy that i hope i get double eyelids from skipping entire nights of sleep. she got hers after having tim and me, when she was sleep deprived and all. me too please! =D *plays with eyelids*

i want to eat kuay baulu and fruitloops and png kuay for breakfast. in reverse order. mommy says i'm stress binging but, i think i'm just really hungry from flipping mama here and there.

just had a good chat with JIA EN from donkey years ago ! his braces are off lah, so good. can't wait for my teeth to be liberated. all the braces people say hoowah.

i've been having weird-bad dreams lately.
first one, all my teeth started to come out while they were still braced. and i was freaking out and pushing them back in while rushing to the orthodontist in tears.
next one, someone entrusted a pregnant cat to us and it jumped on a slanted ledge at a corridor and slid off, but it didn't die. and i couldn't reach any vet in singapore.
third, i found my friend smoking and i took the stick from him while casually trying to persuade him to quit, and suddenly some church people are standing in front of me and they thought i was smoking and i was frustratedly trying to explain to them that i was just holding it for a split second.

where have all the nice dreams gone to.

THANK GOD LIST :
- our fridge was breaking down on us and my aunt was giving away hers. so we got a new fridge for $150 (transportation).

-got free bag from renewing passion card.. or something. hahahaha.

-kids believed on Jesus at VBS! and the weather was okay for the water games today.

WEEKPICS.

VBS! i was there in time for the water games. this is the kindies going crazy in the baby pool.

bran enjoying my mat.

mum mum time before dialysis.

mama was very sweet and subdued last night, a first since she's been home. tired smile and bogay smile. ^-^

MAMA
DIDN'T
SLEEP.

by 7 plus i was still turning her and my eyes were gluing shut, so i told mommy she had to take over and i fell asleep in the living room.

just now she puked again, but I CAUGHT IT IN TIME WITH MY DUSTBIN! feel like olympic gold medalist. although there's no such sport as ... puke.. catching.

"IT'S SO FLUFFY, I'M GONNA DIE!"
- agnes in "despicable me"

hahahahahaha! ben just sent me a link of that on youtube and it's so cute i can't get that phrase outta my head.

ben: were you like that when you were younger?
ag: i think i'm like that now.

mama's crying and i've turned her, almost a thousand times already. she's getting tired now, so it's just a matter of time before she sleeps. then i can sleep. SLEEPPPPPPPPPP~

my new official job is to scratch mama's back. she loves my nails. haha.

she's in pain now so she's crying, but not tantrum-like like previous nights. i'm probably gonna have to stay up to do the thousand turns ritual, so.. i'm trying to stay awake.

mama's dialysis is not working well, and the water in her body is building up day by day. she's bloated and swollen all over. her right arm hurts the most. but, she eats and talks really well which shows that she's not critically weak yet. we're bracing ourselves for a slow deterioration. i have the scenarios sorted out in my mind. =(

mom, dad, me and mama just watched P. ramlee on my comp. apparently they filmed their shows in singapore back in that day. kinda cool...

there has been some slight improvement with mama during the days that've passed. mommy took leave on tuesday, mc on wednesday, and leave again today because the situation at home was just topsy turvy. on monday night, mama wailed and cried so i had to stay up the whole night and turn her about a thousand times. she cry i also cry, cos i was so frustrated and everyone else was sleeping soundly while mama was screaming in my face all the way until 5am. was so exhausted and my back was so pain that i was quite dead on tuesday. woke up looking like a goldfish. mommy stayed home to take over me. mama went for dialysis at 12:30pm.

later in the day mommy told me that mama hadn't been given her medicine over the past 2 days or so, WHICH INCLUDE HER PAINKILLERS AND MUSCLE RELAXANTS and stuff THUS HER AGONIZING DISCOMFORT AND IRRITABLE MOOD. was so thankful that there was an actual cause to all the mayhem, but then...

tuesday night, mama started her wailing at 10:30pm again. she told me to stop watching TV and sleep in the room with her, so i complied. but her crying got louder and louder and i turned her back and forth three times before i realized that it was going to be like the night before. so mom and dad told me to sleep in the living room, and i did, while mommy took my place in my room on the floor beside mama. at that point they probably had no idea what they were in for. she cried like mad the whole night and mommy did the 1000 turns for her. mommy was equally frustrated with her by 5am and i finally felt like someone knew what i was talking about when i told them i cried the night before. (when i told them they gave me a face like, huh liddat also you cry ah..) on wednesday mom and dad and i were zombies.

wednesday mom stayed home too. while mama was tired out from the noisy night before and slept, mommy told me to catch some sleep too so that i could tend to her when she woke up again later and mommy could sleep while i was "on duty". poor mommy... her back must be breaking from the thousand turns. i shall call it the thousand turns ritual. mama didn't poop the whole day, and i felt like i was waiting for a bomb to explode, waiting for her to poop. (the longer she holds, the more collects, the bigger the bomb.) the day passed smoother than the previous two, no major crying or shouting. although she puked up all the stuff we fed her at dinner and all the medicine all over the wheelchair, but that couldn't really be helped cos her gag reflex is no longer a reflex anymore. she was like, hunched merlion. then night time came and i just waited to see how she would decide to be.

she was GOOD! she decided to be pretty and quiet, only waking me up about 4 times for various reasons, sometimes for no reason but still, she was much more considerate and controlled. THANK GODDDDDDDDD. ^-^ i now really appreciate a few hours of good sleep.

i'm feeding her as i blog now. she's leaving for dialysis in about half an hour's time, and i know she secretly wants to watch P. ramlee on my comp. hope the days ahead will be more settled.

i haven't had such a tough day in a long time.

mama threw plenty of tantrums today. my conclusion is that she's disoriented and insecure without mommy around. it is so tough, seriously. she was shouting and wailing and crying at me... not the happy little old lady i had imagined. i didn't get 5 minutes to myself, not until mommy came home and appeased her. it's too hot, then too cold, then she wants to sit up, then lie down, then she's fed up cos there's nothing to do, carry her here, carry her there, whole body pain, wipe her face, make her milo, change her diapers, turn her around, bed to wheelchair, wheelchair to bed, rub her hands, rub her legs, rub her chest, watch her as she shouts and shouts about why we brought her home when mommy wouldn't be around. was telling mommy about her unexpected horrid mood over the phone and she told me " just be nice to her... can't help it." and i was like crying. like a little kid. it feels bad cos nomatter what i do, she's so unhappy when she's supposed to be happy. she's so angry at me and it's like she hates being here.

well, hopefully it's an adjustment thing, and with time she'll realize that i'm committed to taking care of her and mommy has to work.

i'm realizing in a very real way how old people sleep very little. mama sleeps for a few hours at night and wakes up to cry. very sleep-deprived, i tried to nap today but i was lying on the floor within her line of sight (not very strategic) so i ended up doing more sit-ups than sleeping cos she called me every minute to do something.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

and i shall end off this post by saying that i love mama. just to remind myself why i am doing all this. yes.

mama moved back in yesterday, and she's settling in just fine. mommy says her heart is very weak, that's why she's all bloated with water everywhere. she groans and coughs alot at night. anyway, tomorrow will be my first day of caring for her by myself. hope all goes well, haha.

daddy's down with the flu bug and mom's getting it too, so they didn't go to church today. i was left alone to contain the kids during chapel. almost died.

i have not been in a blogging mood lately. kind of forcing myself to update now.

HAPPY

i'll just dive into this post because i can't really think up an introduction, other than this sentence. my grandma got talking with my uncle while she was at hospital the other day, and she clearly expressed her anger at him for putting her in an old folks' home instead of letting her come back to my house, and also her hatred towards the fact that he planned a buddhist funeral for her. she scolded him and told him she believes in Jesus. apparently it was quite dramatic cos i heard my uncle was very hurt and emotional at that point.

and he decided to let her come home, to my place.

he said that he now sees that her christianity isn't forced upon her as he had thought all along. and he wants to respect her beliefs. AND he was very sad that she thought he dumped her in a home. he didn't know she thought that way.

so this is a good thing. we've been praying for her to come back for a long time now. so that she can be happy and peaceful. but this good thing entails alot too. i'll have to take care of her, and our floor has no lift so daddy will have to carry her up and down the stairs for dialysis. neither of us can work for the time being. we're arranging for her transfer to the yishun dialysis center cos she can't travel so far so often anymore. once that is done she'll move in with us! :)

i'm just bracing myself for the yucky bit-- the diapers. and maybe her tantrums. but it'll be fine. it's the right thing to do, so i'm gonna throw myself into it and figure it out. you can only plan so much.

mama's still at SGH now. she was supposed to be discharged yesterday but she complained of breathlessness so she stayed another night. or two? we're thinking she might be 'being breathless' cos she doesn't wanna go back to the old folks' home to wait for her transfer (she's supposed to stay there for a while until the transfer works out cos the home is near the hougang center.). she wants to come straight here. haha~

so that's that. there's alot to tell but i just nutshelled everything. thank God.

the three other members of my family are playing 'angry birds' on tim's ipod. that game is making idiots out of all of them. they are ridiculously into it and it sounds hilarious.

stupiak!

my phone is spoiled so if i don't reply/answer you, probably not my fault. :(

teehee ...
yummy in my tummy makes me smile.